Again as the day draws nearer, I start to wonder. Was it the right decision?
I realised him proposing in public did not really give me any choice at all. I had no choice but to say yes. Well, not that I could say anything in the first place - we were underwater.
What are his good points? He cooks. He is funny, adorable, and looks good. He says sorry sometimes.
What are his weak points? He is apathetic. He is self-centered, pampered, and obnoxious. He has double standards, for himself as well as for others.
I can't imagine that for the rest of my life.
Will there come a time where I'll be crying in the corner, with no one to comfort me?
Will there come a time where I'll be sick at home, with no one to look after me?
Will there be a time where I'm lost at work, with no one to support me?
Will there be a time where I'm demoralised, with no one to encourage me?
Will there be a time where I'm in doubt, with no one to assure me?
So far, he has yet to fulfill any of the above despite many chances. Multiple chances in fact.
If he is not capable of it now, what makes me think he would be capable of the above in the future? Am I to take his word seriously?
What then, if his words all come to naught.
It's me that suffers right? I'm a girl. Ultimately, it's always a girl that suffers in a broken marriage - especially so in an asian marriage.
When his parents goes overseas, I try to make sure he has dinner every night - but he does not know the importance of that gesture. He does not appreciate the meaning behind the question, have you had your dinner yet?
I buy for him breakfast when I find out that he hasn't had dinner - although I'm mad at him. Yet, he saves it for lunch. Again, my efforts are futile. My kindhearted gesture slapping me in my face.
When I say I would sms him before I sleep - I really do. When I say I would text him - I really do. I text him in the morning, I text him at night before I sleep. Why isn't there a guy that would reciprocate my thoughtfullness? Is it so hard to just type a message? Does the phone weigh a ton that it takes some almighty effort to lift it and key a few words?
Does it kill him to put just a little more soul into our relationship? His impatience wears me out. I am not God. I do not have an infinite amount of patience to spare. He expects me to answer his messages, but not the other way round.
Maybe I have invested more into this relationship and thus, expects more in return. I want to feel loved too. Loved in a sweet way. Loved in a way where I say I have a temp of 40 degrees, he would be concern and at least ask how am I feeling. Loved in a way where if I do not have dinner, he would be concern and remind me to take my dinner. Loved in a way where I get greeted in the morning everyday whether I'm physically there or not. Loved in a way where I do not have to say anything, and he would just go out of his way to make me happy - just as I would for him.
Just as how I would drive down to his house if he is upset. Just as how I would buy breakfast for him if he says he is hungry the night before. Just as how I would intentionally arrive at work earlier to buy coffee for him. Just as how I would borrow my dad's car to chaffeur him from work or from RT. Just as how I would get anxious and worried when he is sick. Just as how I would be upset too if he is upset..
But my feelings are not reciprocated. When I'm upset, he ignores. When I'm flustered, he ignores. When I'm angry, he gets angry and ignores. When I'm lost, he points out the obvious and isn't assuring.
When I trip and fall - he says I'm so clumsy instead of asking if I'm okay.
When I have a fever of 40 degrees - he calmly eats his lunch 2 storeys above me instead of visiting me
What have I got myself into?