Superficially Realistic

2012-02-03T20:56:00.002+08:00

Was my last post that long ago? I thought I posted more.. Oh wells. When you start working, everything sorts of get lost in time. In 6 weeks time, I'll be getting my license. I would be a full fledge pharmacist. Why doesn't that bring me joy? The road has been so long and arduous yet being a pharmacist is that glorious and neither is it well paid either. Sometimes, I wonder what did I do in the last 5 years. If I were to give up being a pharmacist, would it all be for nought?sometimes, I feel that all boys/guys are the same. They are all self centered to a certain degree. Or maybe I just pamper them too much. Or maybe I'm juste a bitch. Whatever. Life is all about being caught in the rat race. This is not life. This is running the race. There is no passion to speak of, for it gets you nowhere. I will never have children for they would end up getting caught in the rat race as well. I wanna die young. I wanna die when I'm the happiest.

2011-09-28T20:51:00.001+08:00

Before I shifted to hall, I used to spent 1 hour each morning during the weekend blogging about my thoughts and feelings before heading down to Tampines library. I think that was what kept me sane as I mugged through JC for my A levels.

In university, Raffles Hall kept me busy enough such that I had no time for thinking. Either I was staying up through the night with friends; with my notes; with a nagging deadline; or for a freaking meeting. Even when I was not surrounded by people, I would be in front of the computer sending out e-mails; rushing through assignments; struggling through lab reports; or just have a quiet 'me' time watching my favourite TV series. I did not have much time to study, and even if I did have the time to study, I would always, and mark my words, ALWAYS be rushing to cram as much stuff as I possibly could into that pea-brain of my mine, just hours before the test/exam, hence negating the allowance for my brain to wonder on its own path.

Now, I have all the time to study after work - time I never had in university, but I realized why I never had the time in university. I deliberately not gave myself time then, for I knew that sitting myself down to study would just drive my mind down the path of fantasy and a nice walk through that forbidden forest I dread. With more than ample time to study now, the truth of how little I know grows larger and larger before me with its silhouette threatening to engulf me. The fear of the future largely amplified by the deafening silence that accompanies me through the night as I plow through my notes.

Sometimes, I wish I could go back to the days where I was always busy; where I never had the time to let my mind wander down that dark valley.

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I can finally lie on my back in bed!! After 2 days of terrible sunburns - to the point where I can't even lie on my back when I sleep at night - I can finally have a peaceful night, and not get woken up by the pain or by the awkwardness of my sleeping position that leaves me with muscle aches here and there!

The sunburn is worth it though!! Had a wonderful time at the beach with baby although both of us got badly burnt. Well, that'll teach us not to attempt that again! We shall not underestimate the lethal rays of the sun! On a lighter note, I'm sure the both of us have enough vitamin D to last through the week! =P

Awesome! WE HAVE A LIFE Peeps! =)

2011-09-22T20:26:00.000+08:00

I've been reading the past posts on the other blog, and I realised, I am truly, seriously blessed to have met you.

I love the way you smile at me across the room.
I love the way you buy breakfast for me once in a while.
I love the way you stroke my cheeks.
I love the way you whine to me.
I love the way you make me happy.
I love the way you look at me.

I just LOVE YOU!
You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. =)

2011-08-21T11:13:00.000+08:00

For women who are 'difficult' to love.

you are a horse running alone
and he tries to tame you
compares you to an impossible highway
to a burning house
says you are blinding him
that he could never leave you
forget you
want anything but you
you dizzy him, you are unbearable
every woman before or after you
is doused in your name
you fill his mouth
his teeth ache with memory of taste
his body just a long shadow seeking yours
but you are always too intense
frightening in the way you want him
unashamed and sacrificial
he tells you that no man can live up to the one who
lives in your head
and you tried to change didn't you?
closed your mouth more
tried to be softer
prettier
less volatile, less awake
but even when sleeping you could feel
him traveling away from you in his dreams
so what did you want to do love
split his head open?
you can't make homes out of human beings
someone should have already told you that
and if he wants to leave
then let him leave
you are terrifying
and strange and beautiful
something not everyone knows how to love.

2011-08-14T20:59:00.003+08:00

Just because she is always up there. Always in a position of authority doesn't mean that she is always right?

What has she to base on for me to call her mum?
Has she guided me through anything?

Where was she during my university years?
I was so happy to be away from her!

Does she think that spending those hundreds of dollars on me is suffice to win me over?
SHE WAS NEVER HERE.

What gives her the right to call me RUDE
She is always so superficial that it IRKS me.

What's the point of always being so high and mighty!!!
I HATE THIS SOCIETY
It is just made up of FAKE people with FAKE smiles and FAKE attitude.
IT STINKS.

You tell me all the hopes that you have; everything you wish I would be.
You compare me with every other children on earth; rank me with every other person on earth.
Has there been a point where you are ever proud of me?

I'm so tired trying to be someone I'm not meant to be.

I'm so tired now;
IN THIS STUPID SOCIETY
WHERE NOTHING IS REAL.

Where everything is merely done to please someone else...

2011-08-04T18:56:00.002+08:00

My blog name is superficially realistic.. I wonder how does that work out? I guess it's as confusing as life. Maybe I'm just a really complicated person with complex thoughts.

Anyhow, you know how after certain depressing moments, you'll tell yourself, I'll not go through that again; or, things can't possibly get worse; or, I'll make sure it does not happen again?

Well, more often than not, things just have to go against the way you want it to be. I thought I grew stronger after everything. I thought I would never let something so minor get to me ever. I thought I was... well, yeah, stronger. But today, I realised how weak I still am, how useless I still am, and how I really still am the girl I was 2 years ago. All those ludicrous ideas of me growing stronger are simply full of shit because that simply did not happen. Getting terribly distracted at work, and then getting so worked up in public simply proves how fallible I am.

Haiz..

Just simply tired.

2011-07-20T18:39:00.002+08:00

"It's just hard," Harry said finally, in a low voice, "to realize he won't write me again."

-Harry Potter-

---------------

Within a relationship, it always the female that feels more.
Why?!
Or have I just been unlucky?

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"I enjoyed the meetings, too. It was like having friends."

2011-06-27T22:51:00.002+08:00

"A bad grade is only one letter in the Essay of life."

-Lee Drake-

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What about a lousy degree? Is it of any equivalence?
Listening to emo songs on a monday night brings out the best of the monday blues. Slightly more than a week from convocation, and I hardly care - I didn't do well anyway.

I've just came to realise that my degree isn't that bad if not for the fact that it doesn't pay well. It gurantees a stable job, a stable income and a satisfying career too if not for the monetary value attached to it. In addition, part of the disatisfaction that arises from the job is due to expectations. Expectations from others mainly. As much as I love my job - contributing back to soceity is like my childhood dream - it doesn't gurantee much of an income. Plus, the long hours that one has to inject into this profession is not justified by the pathetic pay that we are currently getting.

Everyone is looking for a job that can generate a sizeable amount of income and being a pharmacist just does not cut it, as my boyfriend constantly reminds me. This makes me uber duper stressed. What am I supposed to work as then? I definitely cannot be a sales person since my skin doesn't seem thick enough for me to sweet talk people to buying products. Marketing sounds fun, but what's the difference between sales and marketing? They are but two sides of the same coin. In the global state that we are in now, one can't run away from the other.

I'm confused. What can I work as in future after this 9 month stint?
Much thinking and decisions to make.
My future seems so bleak. =(
And this constantly weighs on my mind.
Plus, my university results doesn't seem to be helping, huh. =(
-sobs-

--------------

Despite all the depressing worries, life has been pretty good I would say.
Baby is just ultra sweet and being his usual annoying POS self. =P
Hehe.
I LOVE YOU!

I'll never regret the decision I made for you always manage to brighten up my day. =)
I hope I lighten yours up too!

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"Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it."

-Jacques Prévert-

2011-06-12T23:13:00.002+08:00

And work starts tomorrow.
It sucks, but I had my fair share of fun.

I never wanted my life to be this way, but then again who ever has life the way they want it?
I just hate my life right now.

2011-05-20T07:02:00.002+08:00

I'm now in Washington!! The weather is fabulous with the sun, but without the sun, it can get really chilly especially if there is wind as well. I guess Washington is really the place to visit if you are interested in museums, whitehouse, the American history etc. But it just isn't the thing for me. I feel museums are rather dead. They are merely glorified objects hidden behind glass cases. You can't even interact with them! A book with all their pictures will surface for me. I'm not too particular about seeing them live.

Yawns. The Washington mall is a nice place to relax though. With the sun warming the chilly air, you get to observe as school kids walk by, as tourists walk by, or just look at random people playing baseball just like what I'm doing now!! Or perhaps just absorb yourself in a good book. Mmmmmmm... Not bad!!

2011-05-09T07:29:00.002+08:00

In a few hours time, I'll be on the plane, enroute to NEw York!! This so exciting but yet nerve breaking!!

This will be my last long long LONG trip, not that I had many. In fact, the other was the trip to Europe just little of a year ago. =)

As strange as it sounds, although the last trip may be considered to have been gone with 'strangers' somehow, I just did not feel so... scared. This time round, the people is different, the personality is different, and the most SCARY thing is, they are all friends.

Weird, huh?! FRIENDS. So shouldn't the trip be more welcoming? Shouldn't the trip be less tentalizing? =S

Oh well, we shall see. =) Let's pray hard that nothing happens during the 3 weeks that we are there. =)

Fare-thee-well!!!!

And I'm off on a jet plane! (I wish!)

2011-05-04T11:44:00.002+08:00

It's the last day of exams, but there isn't any excitement. As usual. It's back to my room and continue life as I left off. I never knew why others get so excites over the last day of exams. It just means that it's time to do every other thing you have put off for the sake of exams. Like planning my America trip for now.

You know how during the exams there seem to be a thousand and one things you'ld rather do than to study, but now that you're done with exams, you just don't seem to want to do any of those anymore. Weird how things work out. So after 4 years in uni, it still puzzles me as to why are people ecstatic over the last paper. Life goes on, albeit a little duller than before. What's the big fuss? What's the big deal?? Beats me.

Life just seem empty right now. I don't even look forward to the trip anymore.

2011-05-01T21:23:00.002+08:00

"Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And everything you do
Yeah, they were all yellow"

-Yellow by Coldplay-

-------------

On the last week of school, on week 13 of the academic calender, I just performed for the last time at UCC theatre. In my 4 years at NUS, there was never a year where I did not stood on that stage. Every year, be it for concert, or for dance, I will always end up back there - standing on stage as the glaring lights from above shone down on me. Atlas, the day has come where I see the last.

April 14th - The last time that I was ever going to stand on those stage; glancing out at the audience; always hoping to see a familar face, yet scared at the same time that the sense of euphoria will cause me to fumble and miss my cue.

It was a bittersweet moment. Bitter for I knew I had to STUDY! (It was barely a week from my first paper?!?!) Sweet for I wanted to soak in the atmosphere as much as I could; the sense of exhilaration as I stood on stage, and the togetherness you feel as a team as the whole dance crew prepared for the performance together in the dressing room backstage, now that is irreplacable.

It's sad, but it's time to say goodbye.

In less than a week times, I'll be moving out from hall. This time, for good. Raffles hall - the place I spent the last 4 years, even more so than my house. It is the place where I shed those tears, where I shared those laughter, and the place where I forged unknown friendships.

I still recall the first day I arrived, tentatively expecting the worst since I have no idea who my room mate might be. To my surprise, my room mate turned out to be the sweetest girl that can ever exist on earth!

Time flies. We are nearing the end of our education phase, and proceeding onto the working phase. I hate this feeling of not knowing what is to come. All along, we'll always roughly know the path ahead - even if it hasn't been set in stone. Primary then secondary, then either poly or junior college. Even after that it's university. Now, I have no idea what is to come. Everything seems so bleak that it's worrying to say the least.

But right now, I still have one more paper!!! RAWR!! And then convocation to worry about.

I am so not looking forward to commencement right now.

I fervently wish time would stop.
NOW.
Pronto.

And let me have my wish of a happily ever after life.

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"Loves baby so so much. The bestest baby ever!"

2011-04-02T01:55:00.003+08:00

In just a few weeks time, it'll mark the end of my university days.
Thinking about it now just makes me EMO at 2 am in the morning. =(

On hindset, as I look back at all the things I've done, I guess university days was fraught with its ups and downs.

I did lots of stupid shit, but I don't regret at all. They are things I will never ever do again, and I dare say that had I not attempted them there and then, I probably never will.

1) Walking back to school from VivoCity with friends at 12midnight is something I will never ever do again. Amidst the humid and hot night, more often than not, we wondered WHY, oh WHY did we decide to take the stupid walk back?! But then, looking back now, although we ended up sticky and smelly after a 2-hour walk, it was such a crazy walk - Walking round Haw Par Villa was scary and creepy, and it was amusing as we kept looking out for the nearest petrol station so we could all purchase drinks to quench our thirst. I miss those crazy times where we actually attempted crazy things?! =(

2) First trip alone with friends to TAiwain in year 1 and then a month-long trip to Europe in year 3. =) Happy memories! I miss those days so much!! Nothing beats the feeling of just enjoying and not worrying about CAP!!

3) Second trip to YEP India made me realise that people aren't as nice as I thought they were. People do things for a reason and not solely to help others. It was when I realise ultimately, people do things for themselves most of the time =(.

4) Drank alcohol till 5 am in the morning and then STILL WAKING UP AT 7am for lessons! Am I cool or what?! Who else dare say that they've managed this amazing feat?! Then again, I will never attempt it again. ^.^ I'm so gonna miss my hall life!!!

5) For float, having gone without sleep for days on end and ended up sleeping everywhere to the extent that passengers on the MRT actually gave up seats for me to sleep! O.O Falling off the ladder, staying up all night just to clad, screaming at friends, going for lorry suppers, visiting Pharmacy float in the middle of the night, guarding the float then for pharmacy, spying on other halls (childish, but fun!!).. Gosh! The list goes on and on for float.

6) Becoming concert director is possibly the turning point of my life. It is definitely the period of my life I grew the most. Although my CAP took a huge DIVE, I do not regret. The experience is, and will, never be forgotten.

7) Going through a failed relationship that caused rather much distress and sorrow. I guess it simply taught me that nice people usually do not go far.

8) Being brought to the engine rooftop, just to gaze at the stars. I never remembered how to get there, but I do remember the sight of the sea as it glittered with ships, and the blanket of stars that hung overhead was a sight to behold!!

9) Walking around school at 3am in the morning, running down the stupid slope that winds round those abandoned bungalows and what not!! Gosh it was a tremendously creepy experience!! It was just FREAKY!! NEver attempt it at 3am in the morning!! Zzz.. Stupid person who brought me there.

The list just goes on and on and on...

I'm gonna miss school so much. =(

---------------

To BABY!

Thanks so much for always attempting
to cheer me up,
to encourage me as I study,
to buy for me happy food when I feel down,
to support me through dance and all my performances,
to keep my company when i feel lonely,
to entertain me when i feel super sian-ed and bored,
to keep me updated with knowledge that i lack of,
to playing badminton with me!
to bringing me to all the wonderful places to eat,
to satisfyiing all my cravings and hunger pangs,
to always being there for me, rain or shine,
to being tolerant to my moodines especially when a test is coming up
to being patient with me as much as possible
to being every so sweet and nice to me!

Although, you do tend to be
obnoxious
masochistic
controlling
SEXIST
PERVERTIC
Loud
AA

But you are just so ADORABLE and hilarious at times!!!

Gosh!

I love you!!

STOP BULLYING ME!
HEH.

xD

2011-02-26T01:37:00.002+08:00

"And it just keeps getting worse.."

---------------

Is it not enough?
Have I not done enough?
Am I flawed in some serious ways??
Why.. must everything happen now..
Why, God, TELL ME! TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have 6 modules.
5 of them with projects and CAs.
There's dance uncensored.
I have to think of how to handle my parents when I graduate.
I have to think of how am I to manage my future.

There's so much to handle, but You just have to add more onto my already burdened shoulders.
Tell me. How do you want me to survive?
Is everything repeating? Am I going to do so badly this semester as in that particular semester??
Why?! Why does this ALWAYS happen to me?
Am I too nice?
I've given my all.. there's nothing left to give. I've really given my all.
Why isn't it enough?? WHY?!
IS it me? Am I terrible? Mean? Evil? Petty? What's wrong with me?!?!

Answer me.. What's wrong with me?
You have not gave me enough heart. I need to give more, but I have none left. I have no heart left. You have given me too much emotions and too little a heart to contain it.

I feel so weary.
I'm breaking down.
I don't know what to do anymore..

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"What did I do wrong?"

2011-02-25T19:10:00.002+08:00

"It just keeps raining, raining, raining.."

---------------

BURN OUT.

I just realise, I wish, there was a time where I can just enjoy what I'm doing and not have to worry about what others think, what others want, and what others feel.

I realised that all I can remember in uni life is: WORRY.

Year 1 semester 1: Concert + CAP
Year 1 semester 2: CAP CAP CAP!!!
Post Year 1: FLOAT FLOAT FLOAT
Year 2 semester 1: CONCERT CONCERT + CAP CAP CAP + RELATIONSHIP! GAWR! Hate relationship
Year 2 semester 2: CAP CAP CAP CAP CAP CAP CAP CAP + RELATIONSHIP!!! RAWR!!!
Post Year 2: Preceptorship + FLOAT FLOAT + RELATIONSHIP!!!
Year 3 semester 1: Concert + RELATIONSHIP!!! RAWR RWAR RWAR!! CAP!
Year 3 semester 2: Dance uncensored + RELATIONSHIP!! + CAP CAP CAP CAP CAP CAP CAP!!
Post Year 3: Preceptorship + Relationship!!!
Year 4 semester 1: CAP CAP CAP CAP CAP CAP CAP CAP CAP CAP + RELATIONSHIP!!
Year 4 semester 2: Dance uncensored + CAP CAP CAP CAP CAP CAP CAP CAP CAP CAP CAP CAP CAP + Relationship...

As can be seen, CAP appears in all semester, and relationship appears in everything from year 2 semester 1 onwards.

I'm tired.
Can I screw everything and just play games, watch movies, and read my books??
Geez. As if that is possible at all.
RAWR.
On for dance...

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"It just goes round and round and round and round..."

2011-02-19T13:22:00.003+08:00

"I use to love,
butterflies and rainbows.
Now I love,
to be within your hold.

As much as we tease,
we end up in laughter.
May this last,
forever and ever."

-Faith-

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Since I'm home alone on this fine Saturday, I shall spend some quiet moments to update this neglected and abandoned confidante who has been with me since my JC days. =(

I'm sorry about Spain,
which I have yet to post,
but I'll do just that once I get them photos.

Lunar New Year
Lunar new year this year was far from the usual boredom! In fact, it was a hectic whirlwind of fun, laughter, and glorious food!

Reunion dinner as usual, was at my uncle's place. We had steam boat and my uncle kept saying that next year, we are going to have 2 tables, and do you know why? He INSISTS that next year, every single one of the grandchildren (i.e. my generation) will have to bring their girlfriends or boyfriends along, and he cheekily added, "Don't have one, also must bring one!" Like HUH? Is that even logical? Nonetheless, he kept harping on it throughout dinner to the point of ludicracy which kind of tickled everyone present.

If you've met my uncle, you will be be sure to be frightened of him, but yet his stubborness and sarcasm is enough to put anyone into fits of laughter.

Day 1
We woke up and left for my grandma's house. Surprise surprise, we were the first one there! I wonder why as each year passes, everyone seems to arrive later and later. Perhaps it'll come to a point where we just meet up for dinner and that's it. Nonetheless, we then went ahead with our annual ritual of going to the temple which, I can safely assure you, is super duper incredulously CROWDED! Then again, the sight at the temple each year is vividly different. During our younger days, there were more of the older generation, the dressing was different, and the pushing and shoving was top notch. Now, there are less pusing and shoving, and I guess the baby boomers have risen up the hierachy and thus are now in-charge of the temple visiting. The fashion statement is definitely different each year. This year, weirdly enough, the traditional costumes are everywhere! I mean in the past, sure, there'll be some kids running around in them and occasionally the females will don themselves in a slim-fit cheongsam in a bid to amplify their curvature, but this year, it seems like everyone is doing it!! Even korean costumes have surfaced.

Thereafter, we made our way to my grand-uncle's place all the way at Jurong East. It was a gathering to behold as it was literally a gathering of the old folks. My grandma + her sister + 3 of her brothers!! Wouldn't you agree that it's a wonderful sight? Imagine, just 60 or so years before, they were all living under one roof!!

After a long long day, I was then dropped off at Baby's house!! =) Baby's family is so nice!! And after dinner, we then walked to my cousin's place together where Baby talked to my mum the whole entire night as I played Mahjong!!! =D I had superb luck that day. xD The day ended late, but it was fun!!

Day 2
The next day, my family played mahjong intermittently while waiting for guests to arrive at my house! As such, it was play, then entertain guests, then play, then entertain. It was fun!! As it neared the evening, I drove to Baby's house to pick him up before making our way to my other cousin's house!! =D YES, I DROVE! ALL ALONE! =D Aren't you guys proud of me? xD

My cousin's house was neawly renovated and so it looked gorgeous!! The kitchen is fabulous with its clean cut look. It looks so neat and zen-like. It has this marble feel throughout and it looked rather spacious too after they removed the divider, which was indeed a smart move!! I never liked that divider. xD

The day ended late again, and we drove baby back home first before going home ourselves.

Day 3
Phew! After 2 days, you would think we would want a rest, but no!! My mum's friends were coming that night + a few of my friends and so, we spent the entire morning trying to prepare for it. Come to of it, on retrospect, I cannot really remember what I did that day. All I could recall was that I was really tired, and before I knew it, it was dinner time!! This time, my dad accompanied me as we made our way to Pasir Ris MRT station to pick my friends up. It was a gathering of all our PRC friends!!!!!!!

O.O
Sorry, but I'm really astounded at the collection of PRC friends we have. They're all either from ShangHai or studied at ShangHai. So you see? As much as PRCs try to irritate me, I still attempt to intergrate ok!!! Everyone, please say you are super proud of me. xD Just joking..

After a night's worth of converstaion in MANDARIN, yes MANDARIN, the entire house was left in utter madness and chaos.

Day 4
THE BIG DAY. 'tis the day all my friends are coming over!! Gosh! We don't ever have a break, do we? So early in the morning, my dad and I made our way to the fresh market to buy all the food for the much anticipated lunch! Thereafter, we rushed to pick Baby up, and then to Katong where we had a brief lunch and bought MORE food. Much more thereafter later, (Haha!) we went to pick my grandma up and then picked up a few of my friends who were already at the station waiting for me.

And then, LUNCH!!!! It was a huge round table with all 12 of us!! We even had wine and all! IT was a good lunch, I hope. Well, it better be good!! I woke up early just to prepare for it!!!! I hope everyone had fun!!!

After lunch, those who had to leave earlier had the priviledge of being driven by yours truly!!! Lalala! I can drive! =P

It was an awesome lunch. Baby and I then became toufu for the rest of the day as we waited for my dad's friend to arrive at night. YUPs. We never do rest. =) And to end off the day, we slowly made our back to hall with our pockets full of... ANG BAOs!

So there you go, a super long description of my lunar new year. =)

May every year be like this!! Fun, exciting, and exhausting!!!!! I hate lunar new years where we end up in front of the computer playing computer games. What's the point of new year then? It's to GO OUT, VISIT, CATCH UP, and most importantly, HAVE FUN, LAUGH, and you'll reap a GOOD beginning. =)

I hope everyone else had fun!! Oh, and collected loads of... $$$$$$! Important okies!! =P

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To my dearest baby:

Thanks so much for keeping me entertained!
The year has so far been the sweetest and happiest one. =)
<3 you!

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"Chocolates and ponies,
and lollipops and teddies,
nothing is as sweet as thee!"

-Faith-

2011-01-23T00:35:00.002+08:00

"Do we ever live for ourselves?"

----------------

Clara is..
a girl who smiles all the time, and so she smiles.
a girl who is nice all the time, and so she is.
a girl who is to be docile, and so she tries.
a girl who is happy all the time, and so she acts.

Clara is..
a girl who shouldn't get irritated, and so she swallows.
a girl who does not get angry, and so she can't.

Clara is..
just a girl everyone wants her to be.

The harddest act is to feign happiness when you're just slowly dying inside..

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"Exhausted"

2011-01-21T17:19:00.005+08:00

"All love shifts and changes. I don't know if you can be wholeheartedly in love all the time."

-Julie Andrews-

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I think any consious girl will know not to date a guy who is already attached.
Aparrently, she is either super inconsiderate, or just a scheming !#$!%@#$.

I sincerely hope her boyfriend in furture goes on a one-on-one date with another girl PLUS that girl's parent as well! I'll see then how she feels. What goes around MUST come around.

I'm sorry, but I have a right to hate her, and I don't see how she has any right to hate me, unless she likes him as well. And, all I can say is, HE is either extremely densed not to sense it, or just feigning ignorance, which then equates to the question of whether I should continue investing so much into such a high risk venture with no long term returns?

And, if assuming he is bright enough to be consious of it, has he actually gone up to her and told her that it is impossible between them STRAIGHT IN THE FACE? Or, is he secretly harbouring this hope that if all things fail, she will be his plan B?

I'm tired.
I don't really wanna speculate anymore.
Que sera sera.

Guess all I can do is give the best to my ability and capability,
and if all else fails, it just boils down to the fact that
I'm probably just,
not good enough.

I hate my life sometimes.

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"I hate liars. The one thing I hate most on earth. LIARS."

2011-01-03T23:35:00.003+08:00

"All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson-

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Life is all about taking risks, and I dare say I've taken more than I can handle.
Then again, I'm happy with the risks I have taken.
Some garnered rather positive outsomes, while some, a little depressing.
In all though, I'm satisfied and happy with my life thus far.

If only.. there are fewer expectations of me, and then, and maybe then, will I be able to fully enjoy and live life the way I want it to be.

Still, it might just be possible that these expectations are the ones that shape my goals and ambitions. As such, it's not such a bad thing after all, isn't it?

Writing cover letters and resume, and filling in application forms is such a pain, but I think the interviews will be as nerve racking as ever!! >.<

---------------

I had the best holiday ever!!
Flew a 24 hours flight to and fro Spain, and experienced the single digit temperature over there along with Jamon!!!
Spent every moment possible with Baby!! - Something which is not possible in time to come!! =( And enjoyed every moment of it!!! <3
Had my fair share of swimming trainings in a half-hearted attempt to keep fit, which is apparently failing miserably.
Meet-ups with friends - Secondary school friends, hall friends and Pharmacy friends!
Had the best New Year BBQ ever - co-organised with BABY!! Thanks so much!

Yes! The BEST holiday thus far. =)

------------

Year 2011 is here and so... should I make New Year Resolutions again??
Hmmm.. the same few personality trait of mine that I would really want to change:

1. Less selfish; More selfless
2. More patience! Tolerance!!
3. More personal.
4. Less blur; More wits!!

Other than that, tangible aspects of life to work on:

1. Diploma in Piano maybe?
2. SURVIVE PRE-REGISTRATION!
3. SAVE my first $5000??
4. Maintain friendships
5. Have fun
6. Attain fullfillment and happiness
7. Building on the relationship with baby!! (Many many plans in mind... Hehe!)
8. GRADUATION TRIP!!

-------------

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

-Robert Frost-

2010-12-24T01:20:00.001+08:00

I don't know what to say.
Maybe nothing will ever make a difference.
It's all FUCKED UP.

2010-12-03T06:13:00.001+08:00

RAWR! Still awake at such a weird hour... Chlorphen, here I come....

2010-12-02T22:55:00.010+08:00

"If you've never done anything stupid, you've never done anything at all."

-------------

YES!!!! Exams are over! Praise the lord.
The last paper did not go as well as I hoped it would, but WT-heck right? It's over. Nothing I can do about it anyway. After such a long absence, I'm back!!!! ^.^

------------

Janet's Birthday

For Janet's 22nd Birthday, which we celebrated on the 1st of November, we went to Ma Maison! (Gosh! That sounds so long ago, but it felt like yesterday when we were at Bugis, Ma Maison!!)

Coincidentally, Ma Maison was also the place where I celebrated my 21st birthday with my secondary school peeps at Clark Quay!! =) Loves them, and missing them right now!!! =(

Ma Maison serves... I can't really put my finger to it. It doesn't just serve one kind of food. The picture in my head is that of Japanese food though. The food is good, as can be testified by Alwin. I'm sure he'll give it 10 thumbs up if he could, seeing that he enjoyed himself thoroughly that night. His face was constantly lit up, and he could not stop praising the food. That beam on his face was so cute! It makes everyone delighted to see him enjoying himself so. =)

I'm sure Janet had a great time too, seeing that she did not have to pay for the food. Haha!! The food was good though, no doubt about it. I'm glad we went on this mini-dinner outing just before the exams came gnawing and clawing its way into our lives.

OH, on a side note, it's rather pricey though, like how all good food end up. Sad. WE SHOULD SHARE GOOD FOOD AT AFFORDABLE PRICES! RAWR!

The amazing key of Ma Maison - one which they use to churn out our bill!! Amazing, huh?!

A lovely night with friends!! It'll be sorely missed!! =(

-------------

Mid-Exam Break

While studying 'fervently' for our exams, we got so 'sian-ed' and 'bored' by our notes that we spontaneously decided to head down to Clark Quay for Santouka which served the most scrumptious and delectable Ra-MEN!!! Seriously! Just typing this post now makes my mouth water. Yum yum!!! OMGosh.. I am so craving it now! If only it wasn't so expensive, it would be less of a heart pain whenever we dine there.

Do you recall a post 'not-too-long-ago' regarding my Santouka exploit? Sadly, there were no pictures then, but this time I remembered!! And so you guys can take a look for yourself what it is like. Sadly though, I feel my pictures doesn't do the food much justice!! I am SERIOUS here! The ra-men is absolutely heavenly, especially the pork cheeks ra-men! The pork cheeks are sufficiently salty - just the way I like it! It's neither too hard nor too soft, and the 'char-siew' they serve is juicy and oh-so-tasty!! I cannot sufficiently describe the awesome-ness of the meal. More so, we ate it at 5pm where the dinner crowd have not swamped the restaurant and so we had the whole restaurant to ourselves! I LOVE it! I loved the peace and quiet; the serenity of it all.

It's such a luxury to eat PORK CHEEKs Ra-men while glazing at the Singapore river with the BEST COMPANY EVER!

Thanks so so much for bringing me out that day, breaking the monotomy of studying. =)

--------------

"It's like living in a fairy-tale now.."

2010-11-21T03:33:00.002+08:00

Thanks Baby for being there for me all this time!! =) <3

2010-11-12T10:30:00.002+08:00

I just screwed my dispensing test up REALLY badly. Like, REALLY REALLY badly.
Studying for PT at this juncture definitely makes everything worse! The things I've missed and the mistakes I made keeps jumping at me and then stands there and MOCK me!! And of course, the same scene keeps repeating over and over again in my mind. Gosh! Can’t I just forget? Geez.

They really should BAN all tests on the last week of school. IT’s as if studying for finals is not depressing enough, but they just have to put a test on the last week of school with which the probability of me screwing it up is > 90%!!
So what do you call a depression on top of a depression? =(

Back to PT, with that nightmare constantly re-playing and me screaming at it to GET OUT! >=[

2010-11-02T08:07:00.000+08:00

2010-10-25T02:41:00.005+08:00

"When you travel, remember that a foreign country is not designed to make you comfortable. It is designed to make its own people comfortable."

-Clifton Fadiman-

--------------

The next day, our first stop was the Asamkirche. The Asamkirche is one of the most splendid achievements of Bavarian late Baroque architecture. Let me assure you that your jaw would definitely drop the moment you enter. The intricacy of the design is enough to set your eyes dazzling. The whole church simply rushes onto you at the moment of entrance due to the small capacity of the church, which is probably one main reason how everything seem so overwhelming that your neck would simply ache from all that craning as you try to capture every single detail of the church. Much as the design was done meticulously, I felt that the overall atmosphere of the church was dull and depressing. There was this heaviness that hung in the air, as though borne down by the considerable amount of carvings overhead. Furthermore, the colour code was mainly that of bronze and brown which sort of added to the dampened atmosphere in the air.

Next up, is the St. Peter’s church. Compared the earlier Asamkirche, St. Peter’s church exuded this air of tranquility which was greatly aided by the light coloured interior. The ceiling was beautifully and carefully adorned by colourful paintings that left me in awe. I love the individual statues that lined the pathway leading to the altar. They felt like guardian angels of sort. Oh, yes! The alter! The alter is definitely a must see. The high alter is amazing. It gives off this sense of majestic and might, which I just cannot place.

Thereafter, we climbed God-knows-How-many flights of steps up the Heiliggeistkirche, also known as the church of the holy spirit. The path up was not in the least treacherous but its narrow passages and steep flights of steps are enough to keep anyone from attempting the climb. Nonetheless, with much laughter and ‘some’ complaining, they were at the top of the church and boy, were they greeted by a magnificent sight. Not only could they see the Viktualienmarkt, they could see the bustling crowd at the Marienplatz as well! Trust me, it is VERY hilarious to see all of them stop dead all of a sudden just to see the Rathaus-Glockenspeil make its rounds. To add to the splendid view, was the Frauenkirche, also known as the cathedral of our dear lady. It was strategically placed, and no matter where one is within Munich, one should never fail to identify the two towers of the Frauenkirche. Due to local height limits, no building would ever be taller than the Frauenkirche which made it such a distinguishable landmark.

Finally, to end the day off, they decide to make their way back to the hostel via a different route, through the Hofgarten once again for the benefits of the two new visitors who just landed all the way from Singapore!

------------

"Certainly, travel is more than the seeing of sights; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living."

-Miriam Beard-

2010-10-24T23:11:00.000+08:00

"And I'm super worried.."

2010-10-24T06:24:00.001+08:00

”What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?”

-Vincent Van Gogh-

---------------

The night sky was still that of pitch darkness as she tossed and turned endlessly in bed.

“Go back to sleep,” she told herself, urging her empty brain not to wake up, fervently trying to suppress whatever it attempted to conjure. Too late. Everything came rushing, and hit like a hard wave amidst the serenity of the beach, attempting to drown her like the river rapids of the Niagara Gorge.

Annoyed, she pulled back the covers, but then changed her mind and decided to give herself one more chance.

‘Tick Tock’ went the clock. It was the only sound that reverberated throughout the room. You could not even hear the winds, and definitely not the traffic. The neighbourhood was still dead – not even the cicadas were awake. It was just, ‘Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock..’

She concentrated hard on the only item that diverted her attention away from the chaos of her brain.
‘Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock’
The rhythmic and incessant chant went on and on, but her brain refused to shut down, and soon grew louder than then chant that droned on and on. She turned – slightly irritated, but still convinced herself that she shall succumb to sleep soon.

She could feel the cool winds blowing against her feet. It was a cool night, but atlas, not a night of calm, neither was it a night of happiness.

“Stop!” she chided herself. Sleep, was what she wanted. She turned again.

Her mind was running on 100% power now, and the peacefulness of sleep started to seep away.

‘TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK’ the clock went on.

‘Sleep sleep sleep,’ she started to say to herself. She started to blank her mind, but it was a futile attempt as her thoughts merely grew louder and louder. And louder, and louder. And louder still. Soon, her chant went from ‘sleep sleep sleep’ to ‘forget forget foget’.

Frustrated, she threw back her covers and reached out to switch on the lights. One hour – that was how long she tossed about playing a game of catch with the evasive landlord of dreamland.

‘Forget it,’ she thought. Wanting to fall asleep now is akin to fighting a losing battle. She sighed and swung her feet to the sides of the bed.

It is at times like this that she really really really craved for a pensive.

---------------

It was abrupt. It came without warning. It was sudden. It was intense. It was shocking.

The winds suddenly howled, the lightning above seared, while the thunder clapped overhead. It was an acute onset of... she-knows-not-what. Frowning, she looked up and saw the ferocity with which the dark clouds gathered overhead. She was stunned and stupefied at such a sudden change of events. She slapped her book shut and decided that it was probably time to make her way back.

The leaves rustled and danced in the winds, with some rushing at her, stinging her face and arms in the process. Her hair ran amok amidst the winds as she desperately tried to walk against it. The wind was strong. Oh, trust me, it was strong. Soon, the might and power of the dark clouds were evident as the path darkened tremendously such that visibility was down to 10 metres at the very most.

She cursed the weather for its erratic mood swings. It was going to be a long walk back to the tranquillity she had earlier.

----------------

I just wish,
and fervently pray,
that history is
not
NOT
not
repeating.

---------------

”My mind would definitely be put to better use, if it were focused on studies instead of nonsensical and rambling thoughts like this.. “

2010-10-22T23:42:00.002+08:00

"The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread."

-Mother Teresa-

---------------

Thanks for the awesome week!!
Thanks for all the encouragements, and bearing with my nonsensical sian-ness. =)

The week was candy-coated, spiced up with amazing surprises!!
It was just simply, fan-ta-bu-lous!!
LOVES!

----------------

"Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."

-Nathaniel Hawthorne-

2010-10-16T20:07:00.003+08:00

"Because i can't sleep til you're next to me"

--------------

WHY IS LEARNING A FEW SLIDES TAKING SO LONG!!
GOSH.

KILL
ME.

And I'm hungry, and vexed, and hungry, and vexed, and HUNGRY, and VEXED.

ANNOYED.

>=[

And, I just realise that I've forgotten to bring back a VERY IMPORTANT item.
SUX!

--------------

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."

-Martin Luther Jr. King-

2010-10-15T22:52:00.002+08:00

I have amblyopia. It's the first time I heard of this word, by the way.

"If not detected and treated early enough, amblyopia can lead to a permanent loss of vision with associated loss of stereopsis (three-dimensional perception)."

Oh WOW. T.T

I have been living in a 2-D world.

2010-10-15T21:42:00.001+08:00

Five Regrets of the Dying By Bronnie Ware Platinum Quality Author

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventuallyacceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friendsuntil their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice.
It is YOUR life.
Choose consciously,
choose wisely,
choose honestly.
Choose happiness.

2010-10-13T08:55:00.003+08:00

"The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere"

-Vanilla Twilight-

-------------

On our first official together, we ended up at Fish 'n Co. Bugis!!! It being a Friday and all, we had to settle for seats outside, but it does not really matter when you're with awesome company!!!

Our meal was FILLLED with lemon butter sauce. Everything was literally dipped in lemon butter sauce; the prawns; the fries; the calamari; the fish; the mussels; and even the rice!!! But it was oh, so yummmy-licious!!!!!!

We ate to our heart's content before making our way back home.
A sweet and simple meal, and with pictures too!!!

It was the first time I attempted the seafood platter for two, and I definitely regret not trying it earlier!!! IT IS SCRUMPTIOUS!

^.^

---------------

"I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly"

-Vanilla Twilight-

2010-10-11T16:13:00.006+08:00

"All people want is someone to listen."

-Hugh Elliot-

--------------

Have you been invited to something just because you are friends of his/her friend, and not because you are you?

--------------

Nothing gold can stay
Nature's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

-Robert Frost-

--------------

"Hermitdification mode switched on."

2010-10-07T11:36:00.001+08:00

I ish very sleeeeepy.
I want sleeeeeeep
I ish craving for good 'ole peanut butter waffles!!
I ish grouchy.... 'coz
I WANT SLEEEEEEEEEEEEP..

2010-10-06T19:50:00.000+08:00

"Totured by a silly thing known as CAP,
that constantly lingers by my mind.
It's frustrating and drives me nearly insane,
to know that i'm competing against time."

---------------

In a world where a simple piece of paper rule,
where no longer does anyone stay true,
how do we tell who rightfully has the capability and talent?
how do we tell who rightfully deserves our trust, and our love?

Beauty and looks may be secondary,
but it has an inherent trait of making the world go round.
Slim, slender, tall and elegant,
to these values we females are bound.

In this endless struggle to excel,
what am I to do, pray tell.

---------------

JIAYOU GIRL!!
Stop moping around!

Study hard,
Work hard,
Mug hard!!!

I believe in you.
Always have,
and always will.

---------------

"Talking to yourself is surely the first sign of insanity.."

2010-10-05T21:13:00.003+08:00

As the sun sets,
Hall lost its shine.
What used to be,
never will be.

Everything's changed.
Nothing remains the same.

-A floater that never belonged-

2010-10-04T09:19:00.002+08:00

"I woke up in the morning feeling kinda blue,
then i started planning what I had to do.
After all that is done, after all that is planned,
the emptiness persists and you wonder where everything went."

2010-10-03T23:47:00.002+08:00

Jimmy please say you'll wait for me
I'll grow up someday you'll see
Saving all my kisses just for you
Signed with love forever true.

Joni was the girl who lived next door
I've known her I guess ten years or more.
Joni wrote me a note one day.
And this is what she had to say.

Jimmy please say you'll wait for me
I'll grow up someday you'll see
Saving all my kisses just for you
Signed with love forever true.

Slowly I read her note once more
Then I went over to the house next door
Her tear-drops fell like rain that day
When I told Joni what I had to say.

Joni, Joni please don't cry
You'll forget me by and by
You're just fifteen and I'm twenty two,
and Joni I just can’t wait for you.

Soon I left our little home town,
Got me a job and tried to settle down
But these words kept haunting my memory,
the words that Joni said to me.

Jimmy please say you'll wait for me
I'll grow up some day you'll see
Saving all my kisses just for you
Signed with love forever true.

I packed my clothes and I caught a plane
and I had to see Joni. I had to explain,
how my heart was filled with her memory
and ask my Joni if she'd marry me

I ran all the way to the house next door
but things weren't like they were before
My tear-drops fell like rain that day
When I heard what Joni had to say.

Jimmy, Jimmy please don't cry
You'll forget me by and by.
It's been five years since you've been gone
Jimmy, I - married - your best friend John."

2010-10-02T22:19:00.001+08:00

Talent, oh talent
where forth art thou, talent?

2010-09-30T16:31:00.002+08:00

"Firefly come back to me
make the night as bright as day."

-Firefly-

-----------

It's times like this,
I wish my brain would stop functioning.

Sms-es came streaming in,
and she could only heave a huge sigh.

I guess it's just you and me, Darlie.
Just you and me.

------------

"Over in 25,
ending with a sigh.
What's the point?
There is no point."

2010-09-29T12:49:00.004+08:00

"即使爱让人伤得再彻底，
在我的眼里，还是会相信，
最真的人最后一定可以
找到幸福的途径。"

---------------

2 CAs.
1 day.
Gosh.

How?! How?!
=(
I can't concentrate.
My mind feels like seaweed.
It keeps drifting towards fantasy!!!

--------------

"爱会让我坚强，让我哭泣，
让我不懂我自己。"

2010-09-27T14:43:00.002+08:00

"Even if love is full of thorns,
I will still embrace it
for I know that
in between those thorns
there is a rose
that's worth all the pain."

---------------

Last week was awesome. =)
Ice-cream-liciously Awesome.

-------------

"We were given:
Two hands to hold.
Two legs to walk.
Two eyes to see.
Two ears to listen.
But why only one heart?
Because the other was given to someone else.
For us to find."

2010-09-26T00:58:00.002+08:00

From Ben Jones to MIT class

"50 Things"

Dear Class of 2010,

This will be my last entry written specifically for you; beginning with the launch of our new site in early September, I'll begin focusing on the future class of 2011. I hope that you guys won't be strangers; stay in touch either in person (come visit us!) or online (please drop by the blogs from time to time and say hi).

As you begin your college experience, and I prepare for my 10-year college reunion, I thought I'd leave you with the things that, in retrospect, I think are important as you navigate the next four years. I hope that some of them are helpful.

Here goes...

1. Your friends will change a lot over the next four years. Let them.

2. Call someone you love back home a few times a week, even if just for a few minutes.

3. In college more than ever before, songs will attach themselves to memories. Every month or two, make a mix cd, mp3 folder, whatever - just make sure you keep copies of these songs. Ten years out, they'll be as effective as a journal in taking you back to your favorite moments.

4. Take naps in the middle of the afternoon with reckless abandon.

5. Adjust your schedule around when you are most productive and creative. If you're nocturnal and do your best work late at night, embrace that. It may be the only time in your life when you can.

6. If you write your best papers the night before they are due, don't let people tell you that you "should be more organized" or that you "should plan better." Different things work for different people. Personally, I worked best under pressure - so I always procrastinated... and always kicked ass (which annoyed my friends to no end). ;-) Use the freedom that comes with not having grades first semester to experiment and see what works best for you.

7. At least a few times in your college career, do something fun and irresponsible when you should be studying. The night before my freshman year psych final, my roommate somehow scored front row seats to the Indigo Girls at a venue 2 hours away. I didn't do so well on the final, but I haven't thought about psych since 1993. I've thought about the experience of going to that show (with the guy who is now my son's godfather) at least once a month ever since.

8. Become friends with your favorite professors. Recognize that they can learn from you too - in fact, that's part of the reason they chose to be professors.

9. Carve out an hour every single day to be alone. (Sleeping doesn't count.)

10. Go on dates. Don't feel like every date has to turn into a relationship.

11. Don't date someone your roommate has been in a relationship with.

12. When your friends' parents visit, include them. You'll get free food, etc., and you'll help them to feel like they're cool, hangin' with the hip college kids.

13. In the first month of college, send a hand-written letter to someone who made college possible for you and describe your adventures thus far. It will mean a lot to him/her now, and it will mean a lot to you in ten years when he/she shows it to you.

14. Embrace the differences between you and your classmates. Always be asking yourself, "what can I learn from this person?" More of your education will come from this than from any classroom.

15. All-nighters are entirely overrated.

16. For those of you who have come to college in a long-distance relationship with someone from high school: despite what many will tell you, it can work. The key is to not let your relationship interfere with your college experience. If you don't want to date anyone else, that's totally fine! What's not fine, however, is missing out on a lot of defining experiences because you're on the phone with your boyfriend/girlfriend for three hours every day.

17. Working things out between friends is best done in person, not over email. (IM does not count as "in person.") Often someone's facial expressions will tell you more than his/her words.

18. Take risks.

19. Don't be afraid of (or excited by) the co-ed bathrooms. The thrill is over in about 2 seconds.

20. Wednesday is the middle of the week; therefore on wednesday night the week is more than half over. You should celebrate accordingly. (It makes thursday and friday a lot more fun.)

21. Welcome failure into your lives. It's how we grow. What matters is not that you failed, but that you recovered.

22. Take some classes that have nothing to do with your major(s), purely for the fun of it.

23. It's important to think about the future, but it's more important to be present in the now. You won't get the most out of college if you think of it as a stepping stone.

24. When you're living on a college campus with 400 things going on every second of every day, watching TV is pretty much a waste of your time and a waste of your parents' money. If you're going to watch, watch with friends so at least you can call it a "valuable social experience."

25. Don't be afraid to fall in love. When it happens, don't take it for granted. Celebrate it, but don't let it define your college experience.

26. Much of the time you once had for pleasure reading is going to disappear. Keep a list of the books you would have read had you had the time, so that you can start reading them when you graduate.

27. Things that seem like the end of the world really do become funny with a little time and distance. Knowing this, forget the embarassment and skip to the good part.

28. Every once in awhile, there will come an especially powerful moment when you can actually feel that an experience has changed who you are. Embrace these, even if they are painful.

29. No matter what your political or religious beliefs, be open-minded. You're going to be challenged over the next four years in ways you can't imagine, across all fronts. You can't learn if you're closed off.

30. If you need to get a job, find something that you actually enjoy. Just because it's work doesn't mean it has to suck.

31. Don't always lead. It's good to follow sometimes.

32. Take a lot of pictures. One of my major regrets in life is that I didn't take more pictures in college. My excuse was the cost of film and processing. Digital cameras are cheap and you have plenty of hard drive space, so you have no excuse.

33. Your health and safety are more important than anything.

34. Ask for help. Often.

35. Half of you will be in the bottom half of your class at any given moment. Way more than half of you will be in the bottom half of your class at some point in the next four years. Get used to it.

36. In ten years very few of you will look as good as you do right now, so secretly revel in how hot you are before it's too late.

37. In the long run, where you go to college doesn't matter as much as what you do with the opportunities you're given there. The MIT name on your resume won't mean much if that's the only thing on your resume. As a student here, you will have access to a variety of unique opportunities that no one else will ever have - don't waste them.

38. On the flip side, don't try to do everything. Balance = well-being.

39. Make perspective a priority. If you're too close to something to have good perspective, rely on your friends to help you.

40. Eat badly sometimes. It's the last time in your life when you can do this without feeling guilty about it.

41. Make a complete ass of yourself at least once, preferably more. It builds character.

42. Wash your sheets more than once a year. Trust me on this one.

43. If you are in a relationship and none of your friends want to hang out with you and your significant other, pay attention. They usually know better than you do.

44. Don't be afraid of the weird pizza topping combinations that your new friend from across the country loves. Some of the truly awful ones actually taste pretty good. Expand your horizons.

45. Explore the campus thoroughly. Don't get caught.

46. Life is too short to stick with a course of study that you're no longer excited about. Switch, even if it complicates things.

47. Tattoos are permanent. Be very certain.

48. Don't make fun of prefrosh. That was you like 2 hours ago.

49. Enjoy every second of the next four years. It is impossible to describe how quickly they pass.

50. This is the only time in your lives when your only real responsibility is to learn. Try to remember how lucky you are every day.

Be yourself. Create. Inspire, and be inspired. Grow. Laugh. Learn. Love.

Welcome to some of the best years of your lives.

2010-09-21T20:31:00.004+08:00

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens up your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.

You build up all these defences, you build up a whole suite of armour, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dump one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul hurt, a real get-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

-Neil Gaiman-

-------------

One. Just one.
I will only let one boy into my life.
Just one.
What I wrote
3 years ago.
It didn't work out.
What now?

What now?

------------

"At the end of the day,
a room of loneliness welcomes with open arms."

2010-09-21T20:08:00.006+08:00

"Give thanks, for the wonderful things in life."

--------------

Groggy and suffering from the after-effects of alcohol, she wearily trudged out of the room and into the common toilet. The world was spinning and she could feel the nauseating feeling at the pit of her stomach. Gosh! She thought to herself, as she hung her clothes and turned on the shower. The cool water sprinkled onto her and never was she so grateful for cold, refreshing water. She quickly took her shower, brushed her teeth, and rushed back to her room. Having pressed the snooze button more than once, she was sure she would be late.

The journey was short and unfruitful. All she could think of was food to settle the queasiness of her stomach. Halfway through, an sms came to announce the dreaded delay. Thank goodness she had her pharmacoeconomics readings to accompany her as she waited at the station. It was not long before he arrived, and they had a wonderful breakfast!! They had HOTDOGS!! YES! Hotdogs! Ultimate loves!!

Thereafter, they proceeded to the Istana and joined the super incredibulously long queue. Luckily for them, the weather was neither scorching, nor was the humidity at the all time high (which is NOW! IT IS AT THE ALL TIME HIGH NOW!!! >=[). Time flew by as they chatted about random sightings and observations, and soon, they were within the compounds of the Istana!! Although the weather was not a killer, they still felt dehydrated, and thus, next stop: WATER!

The Istana resembled a piece of paradise in the middle of a busy district. It seemed like a place one would seek sanctuary from the bustling and chaotic world outside. The entire place was filled with nature! Swans, trees, flowers, nicely trimmed grass, pavilions, water fountains.. it had the air of peace. The mini golf course was a jaw dropper. Who would have known that there was a golf course in the middle of Dohby Ghaut?! The life of luxury cannot be compared to.

Finally, they managed to get their hands onto water, which was heavily over-priced. Oh wells – they were, after all, in a tourist location. To get out of the heat, they decided to fork out $2 each to enter the building which had the country’s ‘treasury’ on exhibition. It displayed the various gifts given to Singapore by the different countries. It was interesting to view the different gifts which were mainly in gold and silver. Some had really intricate designs while there were some which looked fairly ordinary – a plain bowl for example, or a simple vase. Can you imagine the work of the secretary?! He would have to take note of all the gifts Singapore has given in return to the various counterparts to ensure there is no duplicate! O.O Although interesting, she highly doubts it would be worth it to pay the $2 again.

As they left the Istana, the guards that were standing at the main gates had such a look of displeasure that it made them laugh. Seriously. Poor things – having to work on a public holiday.

It was definitely an awesome day.
Simply marvelous.
Sweet!

--------------

"Happy is the life of the innocent."

2010-09-19T15:23:00.001+08:00

AND I AM SUPER ULTRA DUPER BORED.

2010-09-14T13:41:00.004+08:00

"Look at me to see how beautiful you are.."

------------------

Second-hand smoke fills the air as the crowd bustled past; everyone eager to get home. 2 bangladashi sat across; both seemingly much engrossed in their conversation. It's a strange feeling, to be seated by the steps of Eunos MRT station, watching as the people filtered by.

Gosh! Her stomach is killin her!! Nonetheless, tolerate it she will. A L-plate car was parked at the carpark, and she could not help but recall her driving lessons - how she had to shuttle from school during peak hours; how she had to juggle concert, sleepless nights on top of jap lessons and piano lessons.

Looking back, it seems like eons ago though it was only 3 years ago. Since then, she has stopped piano, stopped jap and no longer learning to drive.

Oh, a guy in pink just plod past and a bangladashi scratching his armpit just sauntered by.

Hall seems like a million miles away while the future seems like a stone throw away. Suddenly, the future seem so bleak and fogged. Everyone else seemed to have achieved so much more. What has she done in the past 3 years??

Another guy in pink bounces past!! Wow! New trend!!

The clock is ticking!! The last bus is going to leave soon!!! Sheesh!!

The second-hand smoke is starting to stink!!

Random thoughts. Aquaintances are easy to make yet friendships hard to maintain. It takes so much time and effort!! Maybe I'm gettin tired. Too many people who aren't what they seem. Do people really try to conform to society?! But why?! Maybe it's Singapore.

I always felt that I should be able to dress however I want, be however I want to be, but I guess at the end of the day, what everyone thought still mattered greatly to me. I guess I'm also one of those guilty of trying to conform; to fit in.

Rawr!!!!!

Booooo.... I'm currently dessert for all mosquitoes!

Random.
Random.

Oh baby baby baby oh!!!

Random.

Yes she finally replied!! After like 44 minutes!!

-----------------

Everyone in class is changing. Or perhaps I just never really knew them. It's sad that everything has to happen in our final year.
I do not deny that I am really really pissed!!! I mean, come on!! Any kid will also know that it's ridiculous!!! This is absurd!!! Gosh!! Some people just have no brains to think!! How can one person accuse someone based on some petty incidences that's possibly only hear-say?!?! It's atrocious!! Grrrrrrrrrr...

I know the feeling. I've felt accused before. I've been accused before. It sucks.

WHY IS EVERYONE SO FREAKING JUDGEMENTAL.

Haiz.

Praying that everything will be alright.
Pretty please..
Please..

---------------

FEEEEEEEELing UBER DUBER ULTRA SUPER RESTLESSSSSSSsssss.
Lack of sleep does that to me.
RAWR!
Got to study!!
My room feels like an OVEN!! OMGosh!!
I can literally feel the warmth within the room!
The air outside feels weirdly cooling compared to the room!!!
Grrrr.. SOBS.

---------------

"Amen."

2010-09-13T19:30:00.002+08:00

"Where have all the flowers gone?
Long time passing"

--------------

Hall is so lonely now.
No one to call for dinner.
No one to disturb.
No one to chit chat for fun.
Haiz.

Dinner is so lonely now.
And it's pathetic!
Okies, maybe I choose pathetic food.
2 Wanton plus 2 Ngoh Hiang! Gosh! I hate Ngoh Hiang.

Alrights. Back to lonely dinner, in lonely room. =(
Grrrr...
What am I doing!
STUDY LAH! =)

-------------

"Where have all the young girls gone?
Long time passing"

2010-09-12T01:30:00.012+08:00

The journey began with 3 acquaintances. We knew each other by name; we knew where each sat in lectures; we knew who we hung out with, but never have we hung out as a group before. I, at the very least, embarked on a memorable YEP trip with her, and sat by him on a couple of lectures (not to mention being forced fed sour skittles!). The three of us (Gabriel, Azza, and I), one could safely say, make up the strangest travelling group ever.

It was awkward like how strangers would feel at their first meeting. Few words were spoken throughout the plane ride; only with the occasional complain of the disastrous and most horribly designed seats of the plane. Seriously, it was the most awful seat ever. It inclines at an angle, but does not provide a foot rest, leaving one’s feet dangling off the chair. Can you imagine sitting on that for 7 hours straight?! Geez!

Upon arrival, we quickly made our way to the subway station. Surprise, surprise! There were no barriers of any sort! We were amazed. The Germans were apparently thought to be of the highest integrity, and would therefore, never ever NOT buy a ticket. I can already imagine what would happen if this were done in China. NO ONE WOULD BUY A TICKET.

It did not take us long to find our hostel, and before you know it, we were all settled in. We unpacked, did a quick wash up and changed into more comfy clothes suited for sight-seeing under the sun. The weather was fanta-bulous!! It was dry, and not humid like Singapore. Most importantly, despite the blazing sun above, the cool wind more than compensated for the heat!! In fact, the weather was so pleasant that people were riding bikes in office wear!! YES! Awesome, isn’t it?

Our first stop: the rathaus-glockenspiel, a clock tower situated at the Marienplatz. On the way there, we stopped by St. Michael’s Church and took a snap shot of pictures. Being the first church we went to, we were awed. My mouth was literally left hanging and I could not stop saying, wow. However, we did not realise that, the subsequent churches would be more than an eye-opener.

As we left the church, we realised that we had much time left before the chiming of the glockenspiel, and so we made our way into frauenkirche – cathedral of our Dear Lady. Interior wise, it was relatively simply, with no drawings on its ceiling. It’s alter is as amazing as ever, and the centre of attraction was a devil’s footprint at the entrance of the church. The story goes that the devil made a deal with the architect of the church not to place any windows in the church, and in return, he would aid in the building of the church. The architect, being the innovative person that he is, designed the cathedral in a way that, at the position of the devil’s footstep, not a single window could be seen. However, taking a step forward would then permit the view of the windows. The devil knew that he was tricked, stamped real hard, and left, leaving his footprint behind!

After a few quick snap shots, we quickly made our way to the rathaus-glockenspiel to catch the chiming of the clock. There we were, standing under the hot sun together with hundreds of tourists, trying to catch a glimpse of the clock as it made its rounds. We were sorely disappointed as the clock literally made its rounds. All it did was merry-go-round and it was amusing to hear everyone Ooh-ed and Aaah-ed collectively. It was even more amusing to hear it every subsequent day we walked pass the Marienplatz at 11am, 12pm, and 5pm.

We then made our way around the residenz, to the Hofgarten! The hofgarten is BEAUTIFUL! It’s where we truly got a taste of literally basking under the sun with a book in hand. The atmosphere was so serene and peaceful that it’s hard not smile, and the sun! The lovely sun. It beats down hard, but yet not intense. Accompanied by the breeze, it was perfect.

2010-09-11T23:53:00.002+08:00

"Now abide , faith, hope, love, these three, but the greatest of
these is Love."

-I Corinthians 13:13-

-------------

Love?
Hmmmm..
What is love??

"Love is patient, love is kind,
Love does not insist on its own way.
Love bears all things, believes all things,
Hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails."

- I Corinthians 13:4-8-

There is no person on earth who is that perfect.
I guess like all things in the bible,
it's the most idealistic and unrealistic definition.

Love is not a feeling.
It is defined by actions.

A man may claim he loves his wife, but yet walked the forbidden path of adultery.
He comes back, crying and sobbing, saying, Ï love you, incessantly.
That, is not love.

The wife, with the knowledge of what her husband did,
but yet opening her arms to welcome him back,
night after night,
continuosly being at his side,
but knowing there is another out there.
That, is love.

The parent who canes and beats his child mercilessly just because.
He sobs and begs as his child is being taken, claiming, Ï love you.
That, is not love.

The child, who pleads and begs to stay with his dad;
who hugs and clings onto his dad.
That, is perhaps, love.

Of course, one may comment that the wife probably has no where else to head to; or that the kid is afraid of a new environment. Whichever the case, be it silliness, stupidity, or forced by circumstances, it's up to one's own interpretation.

Someone once asked me, so if he were to have flings, would you be able to accept all that?

I guess if I really loved that person, I probably would. Grouchy though I may be, but at the end of the day, all would be forgiven, and being the silly girl that I probably am, all would be forgotten until the next one.

BUT
That is all assuming that his charming points more than cover up his ugly side, and he APOLOGISES! Gosh, if a guy does wrong and isn't willing to put down his pride and ego to so much as to utter a word of apology, then he is not worth loving.

Undoubtably, love needs work.
Lots of it.
If friendships need work, what more love - a relationship of a higher degree?

RAWR.
Random thoughts.

--------------

The door has closed,
slammed right into her face
and yet she keeps pounding on it.
Is it even worth it?

--------------

Study Study Study
Mug Mug Mug
Read Read Read
Hear Hear!!

-------------

"If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believeth."

-Mark 9:23-

2010-09-10T04:41:00.001+08:00

I have never felt tipsy before.
OMG.. I can;t think straight.
Oh well, at least I'm sane enough to write this post, right???

OMG. I feel so dizzy...
I am going to sleeep..

Lalalalalallalalalalalalalalalala..............

2010-09-09T02:43:00.002+08:00

"Everyone has a secret. Everyone is keeping hush about it, but how much can you contain in a few years - especially with your family and friends?"

-------------

The world spins round and round and round..
until it spirals out of control.

The insider feels weary.

Really,
Weary.

--------------

"Sometimes,
I feel we are mere pawns,
for God to dictate."

2010-09-07T09:17:00.002+08:00

Before I forget,
Yesterday's dinner was surreal.

Milk tea plus green tea ice cream rocks!
Especially under the light drizzle,
along the Singapore river. =)

Marutama Ra-men is YUM YUM!
The egg is like the coolest egg I've ever tasted!
Not only looking good on the outside, but also soft, creamy and salty on the inside?!
OMGosh.. I feel hungry just writing this.

It's really amazingly superb.
EVERYONE has got to try it!

A pity for the lack of pictures! =(

"I'm dancing in la-la land.."

2010-09-05T10:06:00.003+08:00

I'm pissed.
What right have you to judge me?
Do you even know how I am like outside?
Do you even know how I am like in SCHOOL?

CRAPS!
You aren't even around most of the time,
but yet, you just always like to compare right?

I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF BECOMING SOMETHING THAT YOU WANT ME TO BE!!!!!
Why don't you adopt other kids then? Since they are the perfect child you've always wanted?

So what if your friends' child went to RI. LIKE SO WHAT?! I couldn't even make it to VJC. That's it. Fullstop. What are you trying to imply? If you like them so much, be their parent instead.

I AM JUST SUPER SUPER SUPER PISSED NOW.

I agree, I'm not perfect, but if you can't accept my imperfections and keep giving me the, oh, i'm so disappointed tone to talk to me. I REALLY AM NOT COMING BACK EVEN DURING WEEKENDS. FULL STOP. I HATE COMING BACK TO BE GIVEN TALKS ABOUT HOW IMPERFECT I AM. Like who would?!

I feel like going back to hall right now, where I can do my own things without getting judged.

Haiz.

Craps.

What a mood spoiler on a SUNDAY.

2010-09-01T09:13:00.002+08:00

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."

-Kahlil Gibran-

--------------

The ballooon

Bright and cheerful it once was,
as a tiny hand grasped it tightly,
holding it hard with all his might.

The boy looked up,
gazed in amazement and adoration,
and giggled.

It swayed in the winds,
filtered in rainbows,
and bounced playfully on its string.

The wind embraced it,
stroking its surface gently,
and cooed softly.

With a thug,
it escaped,
and submerged itself into never ending warmth.

Swept by the whirlwind,
it was carried far,
and widened much of its horizon.

Higher and higher it went,
the pressure slowly building up,
and one day,
it popped.

---------------

"You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith."

-Mary Manin Morrissey-

2010-09-01T01:23:00.002+08:00

"Fog gathers.."

---------------

The temperature plummets.

----------------

"..and the lights dim."

2010-08-29T19:19:00.003+08:00

""Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you."

-Exodus 20:12-

---------------

National day rally usually spells lots of walking and lugging of plastic bags down the long back to hall, and today is of no exception. Nonetheless, I still find it really amusing. The guards holding guns are equipped with straw hats! Yes, straw hats! It's an extremely tickling sight! It still feels uncomfortable though to have guards patrolling hall.

Daddy was waiting at the bus stop as Mummy, yes dear forgetful mummy, has left her mp3 player over at ShangHai! Well, you guessed it. I had to pass mine over to her. As I was walking back, daddy smsed if I wanted prata for dinner, but I was just so full!! I cheekily smsed back that I wouldn't mind ice milo though. Who would have thought that my daddy would really travel all the way to a coffee shop just to buy me a packet of milo!! I was so shocked!!!

<3

I love my family!!!
I love my daddy!
I love my mummy!
I love my brother!
I love my grandma!
I love my cousins!
I love my uncles!
I love my aunties!!

I feel so blessed to part of this loving family!!
I am so fortunate!!

Father, I know I have said this before, but nonetheless, I still THANK YOU for blessing me with wonderful friends, an amazing family and a warm heart. ^.^ Amen.

---------------

Yesterday
was
an
amazing
day.

Sweet.
Saccharine.
Amazingly honey-fied.
Definitely cherished.

---------------

""Listen, my son, to your father's instruction
and do not forsake your mother's teaching.
They will be a garland to grace your head
and a chain to adorn your neck."

-Proverbs 1:8-9-

2010-08-27T02:24:00.002+08:00

"Hope is the only universal liar who never loses his reputation for veracity."

-Robert G. Ingersoll-

--------------

Lunch was excellent yesterday!

Happy food. Great company. Excellent entertainment.
It was pure enjoyment.
Soda-liciously sweet!
Like a cake, delicious and moist!

Yeah, it really was. =)

---------------

Life is made up of dreams.

Friends we encounter, acquaintances we make, journeys we embark on, they are but different dreams in our life. As the scenes flashed across my eye, I could not help but feel that nostalgia, that sadness, but yet surprisingly sweet feeling.

YEP.
It was like a dream.
We sweat.
We cried.
We complained.
We laughed.
Yet,
at the end of the day,
everyone returned to reality,
as it was after all,
a dream.

Hall.
We too, cried.
We too, sweat.
We too, complained.
We too, laughed.
We had hell.
We had stress.
We had enjoyment.
We had bliss.
Yet,
at the end of the day,
everyone returned to reality.
Moving out,
Moving on,
Moving into new horizons.

Float.
Days without sleep.
Working round the clock.
Monotonous.
But we laughed.
There were smiles.
Anger.
Grief.
Sorrow.
Achievement.
Satisfaction.
Friendships.
Yet,
at the end of the day,
everyone returned to reality.
Lessons.
Projects.
CAP.

It feels like slipping into one dream after another.
Surreal.
Definitely, surreal.

-------------

"It is never be about me, I, or myself.
It should never be about me, I, or myself.
It should be, you, him, her, they, them.
NEVER me, I, or myself.

Girl, since you've always been the one there,
encouraging others,
motivating others,
smiling for others,
talking to others
don't expect the same.

Girl, wake up!
There will not be a person who will do all those to you
NOT!! NOT NOT NOT
Get it? WAKE UP
STop living in your own little dreamland,
STOP HOPING
STOP DREAMING
STOP CHERISHING your litle childish hope,
that someone
will always
be there
to enourage you
to pacify you
to motivate you
to stimulate you

FAT HOPE
Girl, YOU are the one that does all those
YOU are the one that pacify others, not the other way round.
YOU are the one that motivate others, not the other way round.
YOU are the one that try to make others smile, not the other way round.

GET IT? NOT THE OTHER WAY ROUND!
STUPID GIRL
SILLY GIRL

NOw, stop crying, and face the truth.
STOP DREAMING!!
WAKE UP
WAKE UP!!

-slap slap-

I wrote these once before, and now I wonder.
Perhaps, it's okay to dream again.
=)

-------------

"When the world says, 'Give up,'
Hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.'"

2010-08-22T02:31:00.004+08:00

"Trust & the heart are very similar.
You can give it to someone, it can be given to you, & it can be broken.
The only difference is when your heart is broken, it's harder to fix."

-------------

I can't sleep.
Maybe it's the coffee and tea combination.
Or maybe, it's the huge swirl of mess swimming in my head.
Or maybe, I'm just too afraid to fall asleep.

Either way, this shall be my last sad post.
After this, I vow to write happy ones.
After this, I vow not to write about this incident ever again.

------------

They left hand in hand.

Together, they made their way to town. The journey started awkward. Both party not knowing what to do. There were so many things she wanted to say, but she knew not how to put them into words. How could she do it? Why did she do it? Was it a mistake? Questions went unanswered. Fears went unspoken. Tears gathered, but she knew she should not. Must not. It was to be their last outing. It should be happy.

"Is that the sports school?" he asked out of the blue, pointing at the impressive building across, breaking the ice between them. She smiled.

They talked. Each apologizing to the other, feeling sorry, feeling the guilt that yearned to consume them. They forced each other to promise; seeking reassurance for the other party's happiness. For him, the overwhelming grief became a blanket of comfort, masking all other emotions. For her, the guilt clawed its way to her heart, aiming to eat her alive. She never meant any of this.

The night flew by. They exchanged their gifts. She fervently hope that her gift would benefit him in some way. Although he feels that it's too late, to her, it's never too late. Better late then never, they used to say, and she knew - she simply knew - that he was capable. Yet, his cold reply seemed to pierce deep into her heart. Did she really cause this?

They had their last meal. The food didn't taste so good, and he said, "You taste what you feel." Perhaps so. Perhaps so. They joked, as if it was a normal dinner. They laughed, as if it's just another ordinary day. They talked, like they have never talked before. They shared, like they have never shared before. 'Why did it take 2 years?' she could not help thinking. Sadness once again attempted to creep in, but she brushed it aside. Today will be a happy night. It must. For a moment, she thought to reverse her decision, but she knew she wouldn't be able to love him the way she loved him again. To stay would deal him such injustice and unfairness. She held herself back and went back to wondering what would it be like, if he had woken up earlier.

Selfishly, she wished the dinner would last forever. She wished they could remain as friends. She wished she could have more heart. As with most wishes she made, wishes shall remain as wishes. The dinner ended before she knew it.

As they made their way to the station, she leaned on him like she used to, subconsciously.

"You're not making this easier, you know," he pointed out with a smile. She looked at him, and whispered sorry. Again, she asked. Why?

"You know, it's not a separation," he said again, with that same smile. She looked away and laugh. It was ironic to the point of amusing. Tonight was to be the night she consoled him, but fate being fate simply loves fooling people around.

Lastly, they were back at where they started. At the end of the day, they have come full circle. They stood at the bus stop, and looked at each other. They hugged. She cried. He laughed and commented at how wrong this situation looked. She laughed, but she could not bear to let go.

As with all good-byes, it's hard.
They made their promises.
They gave their last hug; their last kiss, and with a wave, they left one another.

She promised she would not cry the moment she got back home.
And so, she cried, there and then at the bus stop.
She cried for the act she has done.
She cried for the heart she has broken.
She cried for the feelings lost.
She cried for the memories left.

And when her eyes grew tired, she got up, wiped away her tears, and made her way back home with a smile.

She promised.

-------------

Thank you, for all that you have done.
Thank you, for the wonderful nights.
Thank you, for the amazing outings.
Thank you, for the meals.
Thank you, for the gifts.
Thank you, for the nights during concert.
Thank you, for the company.
Thank you, for the happiness.
Thank you, for the laughter.
Thank you, for the smiles.
Thank you, for the efforts.
Thank you, for the memories.
And Thank you, for the growth I have undergone.

You have made a positive difference in my life, there is no doubt about that.
I just hope, I did the same to you too.

I promised I won't cry. And I won't.
This will be the last sad post.

---------------

Without sadness, there won't be happiness.
Without darkness, there won't be light.
Without flaws, there won't be virtues.
Without evil, there won't be good.
Without tears, there won't be joy.

I won't say everything has a reason, but I would say one must experience both ends to fully appreciate either one. I do not regret doing anything, and I cherish every experience I go through.

I may be sad.
I may curse.
I may swear.
I may even blame.
But if I were to do everything again, I probably would have made the same choices. =)

------------

So now,
friends have left hall.
My confidante have left hall.
People in hall seem foreign having missed orientation.
Pharmacy seem stressful having missed one week of lectures.
Assignments overflowing.
Deadlines looming.
What's next?

-------------

"The heartache and tears you put me through,
It hurt so much.
But you were worth every tear and heartache."

2010-08-22T01:03:00.002+08:00

After so long,
I have finally done what everyone has been asking me to do.

After so long,
I have done what I told myself each time it happened.

Why does it hurt so much?
Did I make the right decision?
Why does it stab whenever I think about it?
Why do I suddenly feel so.. alone?

I promised.
I won't cry.

Perhaps, hopefully, I won't cry over any other guy again.

I wonder.
If I would find happiness again.

2010-08-21T01:11:00.002+08:00

Did I do the right thing?
Did I?
I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to hurt you so much.
I'm really sorry.

I don't know.. if I did the right thing though.

Why can't someone just kill me, and stop me from hurting anyone else!!!!!

2010-08-20T03:55:00.001+08:00

March 21st was the day I gave up

"You never read. You claim you do, but I know you never. Ever. Read.
It's just reading a stupid post. As compared to your comics, how much time will it take?

I know now.
I hurt so much because I really really REALLY wanted this relationship to work out.
But, to see a lack of effort from you? It hurts, because I always thought a relationship is build by 2. Not one. Apparently not so for this case.
The fact that you never read this? Simply shows how unimportant our relationship is in your eyes as compared to everything else.

Sure. You keep me company just by being in the room.
Sure. You tutor me in a module I know nuts about.
Sure. You give me kisses and hugs ONLY WHEN I ASK YOU TO.

But the most important thing. The very most important thing. You can't give it me.
You can't give me support. Neither physically nor emotionally.
In fact, I dare say I've fallen more times after I entered into a relationship with you. Because before, I did not have to worry about a BOY.

You know, I feel stupid. Like darn stupid.
I should have known since december, 2008 - when you let me wonder around school at 3 am in the morning, without so much as to even attempt to look for me. I should have known, you know? But I simply thought, it can be changed. I believed. I hoped.

Seeing couples around me, I feel super jealous. Why can't I have those as well? I'm a girl too. Why must I be treated differently? Why am I not pampered, coaxed, or pacified? Why is it that when I'm whiny, I have no one to whine to? Why is it that when I need assurance, it doesn't come from the person I want it most?

You say, I can't always get what I want. True. But neither do I have to settle for less, right? And I won't. True, you claim you're trying to teach me things in life. But all I can say is, I'm sorry, I do not accept. Sure, I learn, I do agree one do not get everything in life, but that doesn't mean one has to be all negative about everything. What you're teaching me on the other hand, is that one shouldn't expect. One shouldn't hope. Which is as good as abandoning all drive in me.

I do not see how not pampering me, not coaxing me or not pacifying me, have to do with me not getting everything I want in life. It simply tells me that I've made a very very bad choice.

Everytime I'm upset, it's always about the same óle thing. And when I tell you about it, you simply laugh it off. It's not important.

I'm way too tired. Everytime I'm upset, it hurts more than the last.
I loved you, you know?
I really did.
But now, whenever people ask about you, I can't help but say, he is like that what, or no la. as if he will do it.
You can't blame me for that. You made me think this way.
What's there to expect from you? NOTHING.

And you can't blame me for being grouchy all the time.
You caused all this. Even before anything happens, I know. I simply know that you won't do it. It's a sad thought, but I can't help it. It's a routine disappointment.

I loved you.
I really did.

I'm sorry, but I can't love you the way I did before anymore."

Did you even do anything then?
Yes, you did.
For awhile.
Will whatever you do now,
last
for
a while?

2010-08-20T03:50:00.001+08:00

"Why?!
Why does it happen again, and again, and AGAIN!

Is it so difficult? To just take your phone, and send me some random sms?!
Is it so difficult to just say, Darling, Jiayou.
Is it so difficult to just text, Darling, don't fall asleep hor..
Is it so difficult?!!

Why is it that you have time, you have the conscience of thinking about YOUR STUPID MOUSEHUNT, but not have the time, not have the mind to actually think of me?

Is love really one sided?
Why?!

Why is it such a huge demand?! IT's just a FREAKING sms!!! Then again, why do I treasure your sms-es like gold.. WHY?!?!

I'm a stupid girl. Like a STUPID STUPID STUPID girl..
Acting stupid.
Being stupid.
Feeling darn stupid right now.

Feeling foolish, for doing so much.
Feeling foolish, for always giving so much.
Feeling foolish, for ever thinking that you will learn how to love someone.

Do you know there is a different between loving someone from your heart, and loving someone through your actions?

A parent claims he loves his child, but yet doesn't feed his child, doesn't bring his child to a doctor.. Is that love?! Why subject your child to such misery if you love your child? But yet... he still says.. I love him. I do. I really did.

Love is not merely a feeling. I know that from the beginning, but do you? I thought you were mature enough to know that. It takes 2 hands to clap. I try. Like so so much. Despite feeling angry, disappointed, sad, I still reached out and text you like a stupid idiot. Seriously, am I just being stupid?

The moment you said that girlfriends are the first thing guys dump in times of stress, I knew you did not love me as much as I love you. The very fact that you could say it out loud shows me very clearly that you subscribe to it. It just made me even more insecure. Isn't it clear? Isn't it obvious? You just announced that I was dispensable. That, no matter what, I'm your LAST priority. Like, Last. Right at the bottom. Anything that goes wrong - Boom. I'm the first to go.

Do you know how hurting that is? Do you know how it stabs? It hurts you know. Why do you always do this to me? Why do you always leave me hurting so badly? Hurting so badly that I fervently wishes for an angel to just kiss me on the forehead, and bring me away from here.

I scream to God, but no one replies.. You mock my sadness. It doesn't bother you. Whatever I post in my blog, it's a huge joke to you. When I'm lost, you laugh, claiming that I'm lost all the time. Can't you help me find my way?! Can't you, damn it!!!!

Have you any idea how it feels to be lost. Helpless. Not knowing what's to happen. Feeling insecure. Disappointed. Saddened. Mixed with anguish, hurting so much that you just want real pain.

I cannot understand how you think. Why is it that when I cry, you just have to ignore me if I do not tell you why? Are you so selfish that I have to satisfy your desire to know so much that you don't care that I'm already hurting so. Do you always prioritize yourself so much that it doesn't bother you that I'm already crying; that I already am super sad? Doesn't it hurt, to see me crying?

Why do I hurt so much to see you angry; to see you sad; to see you tired; to see you disappointed? Why?! Why are my feelings so linked with yours, but yours simply not linked to mine?

I want this hurt to stop. It renders me so weak.. It saps all motivation away.
Why can't it stop?
Why can't I learn?
DAmnit.
Why can't I learn?
Why..

I want someone to take it all away."

Do I really want that again? Do I?

2010-08-17T17:59:00.002+08:00

"Heaven just played a joke on me."

--------------

Wheeeee!!! I'm back!! After such a long break, I'm finally back!! :)

The journey back was long and arduous with many wrong turns and hiccups
but nonetheless, after one full hour, the maze like estate was left
behind.

The journey started out bright and sunny, with the scorching sun
baking everyone who dared venture out without an umbrella. For a
moment, it seemed like a never-ending one, ending in a u-turn, but as
with every other journey, one simply had to keep moving forward, and
eventually the end would appear.

One hour of frustration, confusion and mockery was all it took.

The long bus journey back starts right now as the drums beat overhead
accompanied by the tears of heaven as though God knew what was going on.

The past one month though, was the happiest happiest and I do mean
happiest of the happiest one month of my life. :)

Now, time to unpack, and then rush to pack up for hall. Wow.

Sadness.

-----------------

"It's easy to walk in and out of my life.."

2010-08-11T07:52:00.001+08:00

There's a person drunk lying above me!! Zzzzzzzz... During this entre IPSF, I dare say I have drunk much much more than I would have done in hall.

2010-08-06T13:44:00.004+08:00

Yayness!! I'm gonna attempt river rafting!!

It's so sian to be dePressed overseas.. Hais.

Drink. Party!! Forget.

2010-08-02T21:29:00.003+08:00

Slovenia is a boring country.
Boring.

And I've decided, like REALLY DECIDED, to give up. Why wait for someone who is occupied most of the time? Nah. No. I won't wait anymore. I won't expect anymore. I have decided. Once I get back, it is going to end.

How would you feel, going online, having every other guy talking to you, but just not that one guy whom you wished would talk to you? No. I don't want this anymore.

2010-07-09T22:44:00.003+08:00

Yeah Yeah, I know I'm spamming my own blog, but I feel so out of sorts I just have to ramble about some random stuffs.

After watching like 7 scary movies at one go, you'll realise that certain scare tactics are the same, and usually once that kicks in, only the shock tactics work. Maybe that's why most western movies go for the shock and horror strategy rather than the purely scare strategy.

Similarly, after watching Ring 1, 2, 3, 4, Sadako no longer seem scary too!! And she's so pretty - except for the way she walks. Her life story is really interesting though. At long last, I've watched finished the entire series.

Silent hill is a wonderful movie! I can't believe that it's an adaptation of a computer game!! Of course, I can't comment whether it's a good adaptation or not since I've not played the game before, but I kinda liked the movie, partly because it was a good break after Ring 1, 2, 3, 4. Haha. The plot was interesting, with much freedom for our brains to explore the various possibilities. Then again, the ending could be seen as a little lame in certain viewer's point of view, but I thought it was reasonable, though maybe a little overboard.

Korean ghost stories rocks! Like seriously. Their plots are always fresh and interesting, unlike those western ones. Is it because they produce relative less ghost stories as compared to that of the western ones? Somehow, I feel that they better portray their message, and the movie is not focused on the scary, but rather on the plot. Kudos to them, and though they did not focus on the scary, their movies are still scary nonetheless!

2010-07-09T22:17:00.004+08:00

Has anyone hurt you so bad, so deeply, disappointed you too many a times, that you've simply stopped wishing, stopped hoping, and stopped expecting?

That feeling sucks.

"You and I, we’ve been at it so long
I have got no more fire
You and I, we don't know how to talk
nor how to walk that wire

Sometimes I feel like The world is against me
The sound of your voice, baby
That's what kills me
When we're together I feel so vulnerable

Cause it's just me against the world
Only me against them all
If you listen to these words
Know that I'm not standing tall
I don't ever see the day that
you will catch me when I fall
Cause it's me against the world tonight"

I thank Float for making me laugh again, if only for a while.

2010-07-09T20:41:00.003+08:00

So restless, so listless, I feel so contained even though I'm not.

My mummmy says that she is very lucky. She met the right guy and all based on her instincts. Having not dated daddy at all, she just knew that he was the one. And, I believe that she is right. Daddy is the best daddy and best husband one can ever have!

And then Mummy says that both daddy and her are similar; both always craving for new and interesting things - which thus led to them constantly finding new and interesting places to go.

Me too!!

I want something new and exciting!
I wanna go Night Safari!
I wanna go Wild wild wet to have fun!
I wanna go Sentosa!! And have soo much fun under the hot hot hot sun!
I wanna swim!
I wanna cycle!
I wanna play badminton!

=(

And, I wanna go with someone who wants to go as badly as me, and not people who go for the sake of going and then ending up getting sian-ed. =.=

Maybe, I've just been too bored for too long..

I need someone who understands me more than myself. =X

2010-07-09T09:15:00.001+08:00

Pretty?
I took this at the French Pavilon I think.
I think it looks so pretty..

Looking at things from another angle, from another perspective, from a microscopic view.. I guess it brings new insights, new discovery, and new enlightenment. Haha.

Why are the dogs next door making such a huge racket?! It's giving me a headache!

Oh! My 200th post. ^.^

2010-07-08T20:07:00.002+08:00

Something is bothering me,
but I can't pin point to exactly what.

I guess I've been thinking about what happens next, after I graduate. >.<

Maybe you guys can help me. Haha!

So after I graduate, it's to get my license, and what next? Work for the next 50 years? As a pharmacist? Hmmm.. There's no future for a pharmacist in Singapore and you guys know it.

After reading Maradona's comments (Yes, Amazingly), I guess I finally know why the hospital is akined to an army camp.

Like the army world, the hospital is intolerant to mistakes. There are NO SUCH things as mistakes. It's not pardonable. At all. And as such, we always always have to accept that whoever is above us, is always, and forever right. There is no questioning, no doubting. Right means right. Get it?

Like the army, there is a clear cut rank.

Students. Pharmacists. Senior Pharmacists, Senior clinical Pharmacists.. etc.
Even when consulting doctors, there is a ranking. MO, HO, Reg, Consult.. etc. I'm not really sure of the ranking either. All I know is, if you were to consult a REg, for example regarding some insignificant stuffs, they'll just shoot your head off and re-direct you to a MO or HO.

And as always, ALWAYS believe that whoever is above you, knows best.

Yeah. Welcome to army life. Oops. I mean hospital life. =.=

Okies, that's a bit of distraction. I guess I'm worried about life after graduation. I feel like, it's a dead world after graduation and there is this dread and apprehension, and my future does not look really bright either with my atrocious results and all.. =( I fear life will change as it is. I fear change!

SOBS!

Someone, comfort me please!! Tell me what I can do now..

Haha! Just kidding.

I will survive. =P (But really, some advice would help. HAHA!)

Oh, and I feel that I'm not suitable to be a pharmacist. I'm not bright enough. As in, SMART, not in terms of cheerfulness or what not. =.= PLEASE. A cheerful person is not a criteria to be a pharmacist. In fact, I feel the best pharmacists might probably be the most sore person in the whole wide world. I think I cannot handle responsibility I guess. I'm so scared I will make a mistake, and the thing is, I have no idea HOW i will make a mistake, so how do I avoid one? OMG! This is getting more and more worrying.

Maybe I should change line, but what else is suitable for me? You think?

2010-07-07T09:31:00.001+08:00

"What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do"

2010-07-06T17:00:00.001+08:00

"Can someone help me?"

2010-06-30T20:34:00.002+08:00

"When you showed someone who you felt, it was fresh and honest.
When you told someone how you felt, there might be nothing behind the words but habit or expectation."

-Handle with Care, Jodi Picoult-

---------------

What happens if the pharmacists in Singapore suddenly goes on strike??

I'm just wondering..
Will there be any loss?

Or will doctors and nurses just take over the pharmacists?
How important are the pharmacists here?

---------------

A leopard doesn't ever change its spots.
A zebra doesn't change it's stripes.

But.. humans change?
Can humans change?
Or is it naiveness on my part again..

---------------

"I think you can love a person too much.

You put someone up on a pedestal, and all of a sudden, from that perspective, you notice what's wrong - a hair out of place, a run in a stocking, a broken bone. You spend all your time and energy making it right, and all the while, you are falling apart yourself. You don't even realize what you look like, how far you've deteriorated, because you only have eyes for someone else."

-Handle with Care, Jodi Picoult-

2010-06-28T15:16:00.002+08:00

I'm back!

I hope someone is pleased that I'm back!

Anyways, I'm back with a pair of immobile legs, mosquito bites that swell and itches like hell, and a deep hatred for PRCs.

Like seriously, I have not met any other less civilised people! If they were rushing for food, or some other basic necessity, granted the shoving and pushing, but simply for the world expo?! It's no wonder tourists avoid it like a plaque.

I deem the world expo at Shanghai A TOTAL FAILURE.

They spit everywhere, ungraciously push and shove everyone in their way, without a thought to say excuse me! I am utterly disgusted. And, I can't say that I'm not ashamed to be a Chinese as that! Every single day, I witness the most disgusting act being thrown out by Chinese! It pisses me off, and I'm not sorry to say that I even quarreled with them.

Geez! I have never been at a place with so many PRCs before, and I dare say I wouldn't return to China for another 6 years! I hate that place!

2010-06-17T23:26:00.003+08:00

So now I'm just a burden; Something to push aside when your plate is full.

How would you feel, if someone comes to you and say, "I'm sorry, but I've already got my plate full. Could you please not add to it?"

I have never felt worse.
To be a burden, rather than of help.
To be a hindrance, a sore eye, a white elephant.. Basically, something detestable.

What have I done? FREAK.

Why am I treated like trash by EVERYONE!!

I GIVE UP.
I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

But I know, no matter what.. I'll still do.

I really hate myself.

Father, Why did you make me the way I am?
I'm of no use to anyone.

Father, I've done my best to be nice. I've done my best to be friendly. I've done my best to accomplish what people tell me to do. Although, I admit, there are times I've fallen short of expectations, but why do nice people get bullied?

Why am I so soft? Why do I not have the courage to stand up for myself? People say I'm just so easily bullied. Will I be able to survive anywhere?

I feel, I'll just die in society.

Why, Father?
Why?

I beg of you, at least tell me what is there for me in future..
Thrown around by more people?
Tossed around, perhaps?

How do I learn to stand up for myself?! HOW?!

Will there be a time when a prince charming comes and rescue me? One where I can see his true face; one whose smile is genuine with a sincere intention to rescue me; one who does not hide behind his suit armour; one who tries to understand me for who I am..

I'm sorry, but I hate everything now.

2010-06-13T00:38:00.002+08:00

Disclaimer: I know I'm ranting a lot nowadays; complaining a lot, whining a lot, emo-ing alot. Maybe I haven't grown up yet. Sometimes, I feel like i'm going through what a teenager is going through, 'cause I was never bothered with such feelings in the past. I admit. I'm still immature. Maybe, when I become more mature, I'll revert back to my old format of posting.

---------------

Maybe I am indeed of last priority. I am placed right at the bottom, after friends, after games, after work, even after boredom. I am merely there for the sake of convenience, even to the extent of being a burden. I am of least importance and probably of no importance at all.

At least, that is what was portrayed to me.

Could have at least asked if I wanted to play, or if i ate, but I guess every other things are more important.

And after such super, ultra, duper boring and terribly and dreadfully lifeless day, I actually have to start on my presentation which I absolutely don't feel like doing after staying up the past few weeks just doing work! And now, more work! OMG! And whee! We're paid $5 a day.

And oh! It's all FOR OUR OWN GOOD! We get to learn more! We are being trained to be stronger! To be able to think on our feet! To be able to take direct shots! Yippee! What a nice place the hospital is, forever thinking of ways to improve us.

Wow. Need I explain more?

1 more week.

And, it's time to wise up and think: What do I want in future?

2010-06-08T23:19:00.002+08:00

Do you think I know not the right thing to do?
Of course, the most sensible thing to do would be to voice my opinions to my preceptor, but I really have no guts, no courage to do it.

I have given up.

I shall continue crying in the stairwell when I cannot take it, 'cause I have no guts.

I'm not like you.
I'm not like everyone else.
I'm just a scared spineless cat.

Craps! Why can't you just encourage me when I need it? Ultimately, I'm alone in dealing with everything.

I feel like exploding.

2010-06-07T22:29:00.003+08:00

I don't know what to say.

Do smarter brains equate to more arrogance?
Do higher confidence equate to more arrogance?

I suddenly feel that it is truly the case for the majority.
People who are more confident, be it talented, or just having the brains, or just having the charisma, seems to exude this air of arrogance; this "I know this better than you do, do it this way," or this, "If I can do it, why not you?"

I guess once you're up there, it's hard to comprehend how some people can be down there when you can be up there, which is a ridiculous attitude. Seriously!

Oops. Having a headache now. I better sleep. Tomorrow is a long day, and the frustration within me is like going to explode soon, and I fear we may all die of depression, in a depressing hospital, with depressing staffs.

I want a TCA!

Haha. I wish.

Good night, world, and may everything turn out fine for..
Pretty please..

2010-06-06T23:44:00.000+08:00

It is an irritating feeling, to have a teacher who TELLS YOU WHAT TO DO, and to DO IT HER WAY!!
Usually, this frustration is let off as students will complain to one another, but since this teacher only has ONE student, aka ME, I can't rant to anyone, and I am super super frustrated with her, of having to things HER WAY. I mean, the assignment is mine. The lecturers are mine. How will she know what my lecturers want?! Does she think that producing a good assignment will reflect that she is good? OMG. This is so political. I'm like an innocent pawn caught amidst this political war!

Do people know what is Paracetamol? Do you think ah mahs and ah gongs above the age of 60 know what is paracetamol? Ok, so fine. You want me to use the word paracetamol. I will. WHAT'S WRONG WITH ADDING, FOR EG, PANADOL!! It's a counseling assignment for goodness sake! We are not writing some scientific journal for school. Pisses me off, and I can't sleep now 'cause I'm too pissed off.

The assignments wants us to write OUR counseling points. Counseling points that WE ACTUALLY TOLD THE PATIENT! Why the hell does she want me to write out a TEXTBOOK answer?! If that's the case, I might as well not counsel AT ALL! I might as well not bother to dispense at all! AS IF the patient will understand what is an anti-histamine. I don't see her saying all those things while she is counseling!

And she asks, ARE YOU GOING TO WRITE THIS DURING AN EXAM? LIKE, THIS IS NOT AN EXAM. It's a practical log of our prescriptions! If I have to simply submit textbook answer, I MIGHT AS WELL NOT ATTEND THIS FREAKING FRUSTRATING PRECEPTOSHIP!

I can't wait for this to end. My preceptor is pissing me and off and irritating me to hell.

2 more weeks.

2010-05-29T09:41:00.003+08:00

I'm tired of being the talker, can't you just talk to me?
I'm tired of being the initiator, can't you initiate something?
I'm tired of being the responsive one, can't you be responsive to me too?

I'm tired of doing things for someone who has no reaction what-so-ever.

Maybe it's time that I invest my time and energy on something else.

2010-05-26T22:35:00.001+08:00

"It's no use saying, I love you. Anyone in the world can say that to me. Show me."

2010-05-17T21:36:00.003+08:00

"Que sara sara.."

--------------

There's so much I wanna spill, but where do I begin?

Life has been excellent; basking in the peace and bliss of family love; soaking up the warmth of my colleagues; enjoying the tranquility of a uneventful life.

And all of a sudden, the world turned upside town, and once again the turmoil and roller coaster ride begins. Then again, a prolonged uneventful life would result in a boring one albeit one with much less torment.

I guess, we grow as we cry.

Preceptorship has been excellent. I dare say that I have learned so much in the past one week that it is more than that I would learn in my 4 years in NUS! Even the pharmacists there commented that pre-reg will be the period where the learning curve steeps! And I couldn't agree more.

I'm embracing the learning experience now! I wish I can return there to work next year! Oh, I mean for my pre-reg! It'll be a tough journey though as it is super stressful! It being the largest hospital and all, and the pay.. well.. let's say it's not all that glamorous.

Okies.. Need to get back to work. My mummy hijacked my comp! And she even whined, asking for more time on my laptop! T.T Am I more childish or is she? Nonetheless, she's so cute! Haha!

-------------

"The bliss of family life.."

2010-05-05T03:47:00.002+08:00

Exams are over!! WHEEEE!!

And yes, I'm blogging at an insanely weird timing again! T.T HAha. =P
And that's despite having only 6 hours the past 2 days due to exams which went HORRIBLY~

Then again, it's okay. =) FREEDOM! No more having to study until the wee hours of the night, or going to bed with the notion of all those uncompleted chapters. I won't dream of hypertension drugs, or NMR or MS or ... whichever! I won't dream of drugs for now, at least till I begin my preceptorship at SGH. >.<

I seriously think they should give us a one week break before starting. HAha! 4 days ain't enough!! I have a lot of things I wanna do SO MuCH! Like visit the new Helix bridge! It looks awesome in the pictures! Especially when visited at night! Then again, I wanted to visit the Marina Barrage a long time ago, and never got there. So maybe, this might be the same for the Helix bridge.

I have no idea what I wanna do during the holidays. Hmmm.. Preceptoship, IPSF.. and.. what?

Hmmm. I'm bored.
Haiz.
Toodles.
Random Posting

-------------

"Until the day I stop judging myself, I'll be imprisoned."

2010-05-03T05:54:00.004+08:00

This is gonna be a STUPID POST at a STUPID TIME OF THE DAY.

It's like 6am!! And with less than 12 hours till my next paper, WHAT AM I DOING STILL UP AT THIS TIME!! And to think I'm gonna be up at 12pm the next day.

Someone, just KILL ME NOW.

I FREAKING HATE PHARMACY!!

-Panic Panic Panic-

Feeling super tired, but yet not sleepy.

Okies I'm just FREAKING PISSED right now because I can't sleep and I badly need to sleep else I'll just DIE during the paper tomorrow, and I have another paper the day after which I aM SO NOT prepared so means I cannot CHUI after the paper later!!!

ARGH!!

STUPID STUPID STUPID.

I'm FREAKING OUT!! OH God. Help.

-sobs-

2010-04-25T16:31:00.004+08:00

"Tomorrow marks the start..."

------------

And so tomorrow marks the beginning of the EXAMS!! O.O
After 5 semesters, this semester being my 6th, I'm still apprehensive and jittery when it comes to exams. Moreover, being in pharmacy, with at least 2 tests per week since week 4, you'ld thought I'll be used to it by now. BUT NO! Here I am, still panicking, but yet lacking the motivation to push on! Contradicting? Yes, I know. What to do? My heart likes to play with brain.

And, what's worse is, I eat so much more during the exams! T.T Can I cry? Munch Munch, Munch!! Hmmm..

Anyway, during those day dreaming periods of studying (yes, I'm sorry to say, I day dream ALOT), I've decided that growing up = knowing more things, and that's also = to knowing more harsh truths about the reality of life, but that's not the reason to be cynical about it, and neither should one pour cold water all over one who hasn't glimpsed the truth of it all.

I mean, it's not good to live in a idealistic fantastical world, but neither is it to live in a world that's full of hate and denial, and then trying to drag everyone else into it as well. Perhaps it's good sometimes, that one doesn't know the truth. Hope is a wonderful thing. Remind them to expect the worst, but yet continue to encourage, that's what I think is worthy of an applause.

Many a times I have seen people who merely remind others to expect the worst, and stop at there, which unfortunately, I feel is rather depressing. Haha. I'm sorry, I'm just idealistic, and I do acknowledge that it's a flaw. =X I just don't see why someone would keep reminding others about how practical everything is, and be so cynical about everything. On the other hand, I think there has to be a fine balance between both. To remind about the pitfalls, but Yet to ENCOURAGE at the same time.

Okays. I feel so idealistic. HAha!

Oh, and another idealistic way of thinking:

"If you can't change anything,
Accept who you are,
Accept your forced circumstances,
Stop asking Why,
And perhaps then,
Will one be free of their
Entangled emotions."

And I do NOT mean accept and just do nothing. I mean accept, and stop moaning or drowning in sorrows. Instead, go out there and change aspects that you can change. That's something my boyfriend taught me. =) With that, life's a little less angry, a little less sorrowful, and perhaps a little more satisfying.

And on an ending note, I shall work to be a better girlfriend. Hee!!

Cheers to all with exams, while I return to my food. Oops. I mean, my notes. =X

------------

"WhoooooooOOOOOOOOOooosh!!"

2010-04-23T23:38:00.002+08:00

"Our lives.. are affected by the choices we make."

--------------

Study, study, study.
I NEED MOTIVATION!!
But there's none available... T.T

Hungry.
Grrr..

-----------

"Every now and then I fall apart"

2010-04-19T01:25:00.004+08:00

Just Mug (Singaporean Pharmacist Gaga)
I've had a little bit too much
All of the people start to rush (Start to rush by)
A dizzy twister glance lectures which don't make sense
Hate thiazolidinediones

What's goin' on, on the floor?
I "love" this textbook baby but I can't see straight anymore
Keep it cool, what's the name of this drug?
I can't remember, but it's alright, a-alright

Just mug, gonna be okay
Ma ma moo moot-n
Just mug, flip that textbook babe
Ma ma moo moot-n
Just mug, gonna be okay
M-M-M-Mug, mug, mug, just
J-J-Just mug

Wish I could shut my PK mouth
How'd I turn my notes inside out? (Inside out right)
Control your poison babe, look out for HSA
And we're all getting fined tonight!

What's goin' on, on the floor?
I love this textbook baby but I can't see straight anymore
Keep it cool, what's the name of this drug?
I can't remember, but it's alright, a-alright

Just mug, gonna be okay
Ma ma moo moot-n
Just mug, flip that textbook babe
Ma ma moo moot-n
Just mug, gonna be okay
M-M-M-Mug, mug, mug, just
J-J-Just mug

When I come through on the library floor checkin' out that catalogue
Can't believe my eyes so many books without a flaw
And I ain't gonna give it up, steady trying to pick it up like a call
I'm a read it up, mug it up, sleep on to it until tomorrow yeah

Shorty I can see this drug got so much synergy
The way you dosin' up patients round and round
Yes there is so much to study for pharmacotherapy
In the mean time let me watch you break it down (and

Mug, gonna be okay
Ma ma moo moot-n
Just mug, flip that textbook babe
Ma ma moo moot-n
Just mug, gonna be okay
M-M-M-Mug, mug, mug, just
J-J-Just mug

Half diuretic analgesic my pharmacokinetic
Half asthmatic sick anemic my pharmacokinetic

Half diuretic analgesic my pharmacokinetic
Half asthmatic sick anemic my pharmacokinetic

Go, use your brain cells car-ve it out work it, hustle!
Don't slow! Dream it, sing it, taste it, feel it
Spend the last dose, till comatose!

Just mug, gonna be okay
Ma ma moo moot-n
Just mug, flip that textbook babe
Ma ma moo moot-n
Just mug, gonna be okay
M-M-M-Mug, mug, mug, just
J-J-Just mug

-Louis Lim, NUS Pharmacist Year 3-

-----------------

I really wonder.. WHY AM I IN PHARMACY WHEN I CANNOT MUG!!! Grrrr...

2010-04-15T21:53:00.001+08:00

How to train your dragon is a nice movie!!
Toothless is so cute!! Like a cute a little puppy.. Awwww!!
Thanks Darling! ^.^

2010-04-12T10:40:00.007+08:00

"What do I want in the future? I can't picture.."

My Mummy said that I was pretty!! OMG! PRETTY!! -flies-
I'm so happy now!!
She bought for me egg tarts, waffles, tidbits, milk, horlicks.. SWEET!!

The whole weekend I spent doing up her video was worth it after all.

Hehe. =)

---------------

Dance Uncensored marked the end of hall activities for this semester.
Time flies. I'm at the end of my year 3 in the blink of the eye. Sobs!
I don't want to graduate. I think earning money is scary. Hall politics has scared me off and I shudder to think what office politics might be like. CREEPS!!

Anyways,

Reliving my primary school days!
My Daddy says I still look like I'm from primary school. =.= Must slap him awake. HAa! I'm in UNI!!!!!

Thanks to my choreographers, Chii Tarng, Weina, Yuko, and Thierry!!!

And guess what? I've shared the stage with Yuko every single academic year!! O.O It's so sad there might not be a next year!! -cries-

And that's YUKO!!

Mr. Thierry! MY bad romance choreographer!! ^.^

Bad Romance!!

ClassRrrrroom Days!!

And RH Dance.

Now the fun is over, it's time for the crunch. Exams in 3 weeks!
Come on, Clara, MUG MUG MUG!!

----------------

"Let's give a little smile.."

2010-03-27T02:49:00.002+08:00

"She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette
She broke his heart he spent his whole life tryin' to forget
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind
Until the night

He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said I'll love her till I die
And when we buried him beneath the willows
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby

The rumors flew but nobody knew
How much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide
The whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away
A little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough
To get him off her mind
Until the night

She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willows
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby"

-The Whiskey Lullaby-

2010-03-15T02:51:00.001+08:00

Am I really that stupid??
Haiz..
Low in EQ, as well as IQ.
Sobs.

2010-03-12T22:45:00.001+08:00

"There's so many things I need to do;
So many things I need to settle;
So many things I need to commit,
But my heart is giving up on me.."

2010-02-21T00:47:00.003+08:00

"Happie lunar new year to all!!
Be blessed with luck, and guided to be more hardworking!!
At least, that's what i want.
Tee Hee!"

---------------

This year's Lunar new year is a little more quiet, though still cheery. The day started real slow, and the excitement really came only at night when everyone gathered at my uncle's house.

After dinner, the house literally turned into a gambling den. We had 2 tables of Mahjong, and one table of poker! Poker is a really dangerous game!! You can win hundreds in one hand, and lose all of them in another!! Leaves you in cold sweat after each round, and this is where you really have to out-wit, and out-smart the other players, be it feinting, or simply pure luck! It's tentalizing even from the spectator's point of view, and trust me, they play in hundreds here! Yikes!

Over at the mahjong corner, it wasn't any better. They played $1-$2, with a capital of $150. Ah! Old timers like my uncle, my aunty, my dad even, were playing against us - mere amatuers! We were literally paying school fees! Haha! Nonetheless, it was fun! Especially when someone mistook the bird for a flower!! That was hilarious.

The night ended just a little past midnight, and everyone went home half zonked. It was fun meeting everyone again! And everyone were so preeeety and handsome!! Whoo! And the maid commented that I was so CUTE! =.= Zzz.. What a weird description. And they even added, just like your mummy! Haha! And, she even requested that I give her the dress if I ever not want it anymore. Haha!! They are so funny!!

-------------

Darling came over on the third day since he spent the second day sleeping, which is like !!!! How can you sleep away Chinese New Year?! HAha! Oh well, to each his own. (OMG! Concert. Jeromé's line. HAH!) Nonetheless, we prepared a feast as my aunt's family was to come initially, but they changed plans at the last minute, leaving us poor things to finish up those wonderful food! The food was great, but a little too much! O.O Poor darling had to eat as much as he could! =x

Thereafter, my brother quickly whipped up the table and voila! Mahjong again. After all, we only do this once a year. Poor darling again, losing his money to us. =X Okay, Me. Haha! Oops.

Despite the fact that my dad had to work the next day, we sent darling all the way home, which is mighty far if you want to know - nearly all the way across the island!! Anyway, my parents did not go to work the next in the end as both of them could not wake up! >.< Haha! But they already took leave, so they conveniently just did not go to work. Hehe!

It's so nice to see darling spending time with my family. If only we stayed nearer to each other!! Then we wouldn't have to spend 2 hours each time just to travel to each others houses!! Zzzz.. I really dread those train rides. My butt really aches. =x And he always laughs when I say that!!

-------------

Okies.. I really need to study now. Mid terms next week! Yikes! T.T

2010-01-27T02:08:00.003+08:00

"Say that you love me, Say that you care."

-------------

3rd week of school today! Last Thursday marks my official start of 9-6pm days! ^.^ I survived! Not really hard to survive, since if I do no recall wrongly, my first day of UNI life started with an 8-6pm day which still resonates in my mind till now. I wonder how I survived those days with concert!!

Only one word will explain my inability to survive a mere 9-6pm day - OLD! Or probably it's just the lab.

Block 4 peeps this year are ONZ!! I dare not say it's because the bulk of them are Singaporeans, but the truth seems to be staring in my face! >.< Oops! Oh wells, let's wait till they get their results this semester, yeah? =X

----------

"The grass is always greener on the other side."

Well said! Then again, if there is a wall preventing me from seeing the grass, I wouldn't ever know, would I? =P

Over the last few days, I have been thinking. How did I even survive 18 years without much interaction with friends? I realised, it's because I never knew what it was like to 'hang around' with friends. After all, when I'm back home, I won't notice what other people are doing outside, right? It's just me, and my dear computer. So now do you guys still wonder how I can game abnormally? Haha

Now, I'm not longer back at home.
Up till as late as 2am, I can hear the sounds of laughter, see people visiting one another, supper callings... etc. It feels so different. I never felt lonely before, because I never really experienced how it felt to NOT be lonely. Things have changed, and I have submerged myself in the not-so-lonely life, and I'm now oh so missing it.

Yesh, missing it.

Then again, look at my parents, it seems like grown-ups don't really have time for friends, which simply emphasizes how important a role your lifetime partner will play in your life.

I guess being able to live together and support one another then plays the biggest factor in the decision to accept him/her as your lifetime partner. How harmoniously can the two of you live together? How much support can you lend him/her and vice versa? How much time are you willing to sacrifice just to make him/her not feel alone?

So many factors to consider. Maybe being single is best after all.

-------------

"The uncertain future"

2010-01-14T02:44:00.003+08:00

School has started!

This semester, I have 3 lab sessions per week! What a nice packed time-table.
Furthermore, due to atrocious timing, all my lectures are crammed together. This equates to 6 hours of lecture at one go a day. I feel so drained at the end of the day, and simply cannot resist a nap. =X And, that is WITHOUT lab in the morning.

Yes, I'm a pig. =P
Hehe.

--------------

Block initiation was FUN! It went well, despite the many fears that we had! Of course, a big heartfelt thanks to our super senior who spiced things up really well!!

Block 4 rocks! ^.^

What a good start to the new semester. =)

--------------

Coming back to school, and back to hall simply reminds me of the things I cannot have and miss.
Sometimes, I really dread coming back.
Sad memories, they are.

2009-12-25T01:09:00.001+08:00

I hate telling a guy what to do.
I'm sick and tired of telling a guy what to do.
I think..
I'm just about on the verge of giving up.

Anyway,

Happy Christmas all.