"你跑去哪里了?
你几时舍得回来?
我等你等了很久了.
你为何一声不响的跑掉?

没关系,玩够了记得回来.
我会一直等着你.
记得回来找我哦!"

--------------

It feels as though
that sense of familiarity,
that sense of warmth,
that sense of comfort,
has left.

The ghost
that has haunted me,
that has kept me company,
that stayed by my side,
that gave me courage,
that dried my tears,
has left.

It's no wonder
the star above now seem lonely,
the swing in the playground remains cast aside,
the laughters lost in the winds,
the deserted path now strewn with fallen leaves,
the silence of the day remains unbroken,
the forsaken girl alone in the world,
the stream from the desirous stare flow endlessly.

"Someone took a whole chunk out of it,
and you took what little was left of it.
Now, I'm left with nothing."

--------------

Tan Tock Seng Hospital.

The building loomed ahead as the taxi driver drove into the silhouette of the building, heading towards the driveway. The sight of the building roused a couple of sweet memories, each laced with strawberry ice cream and what sorts. ‘It’s been only a year,’ she thought, ‘yet it feels like a long, long time ago.’

The taxi driver got out of the taxi and helpfully opened the door for her grandma. ‘What a rare sight!’ she could not help but think. This just further proves that there is still A WHOLE LOT of nice people out there, no matter what people say. She smiled at the taxi driver and said her thanks to him. Thereafter, her grandma and her sauntered into the air conditioned building and waited at the reception area for her aunt.

She yawned and gazed mindlessly around. Just for this trip, she had had to wake up at six in the morning. Trips to doctors are always taxing, she thought randomly. Her glance landed on the elderly couple nearby. She smiled at how loving they are. Somewhere nearer to the escalators, a young lady was helping an elderly woman onto the escalators. Everywhere, no matter how she turned, the significant presence of the aging population constantly haunts the society. ‘I shall live till 30 if I remain single,’ she thought to herself. ‘That should be enough.’

It was not long before the arrival of her aunt. After saying their greetings, they slowly made their way towards the neuroscience department. There, begins their long wait. It was, wait. Wait. Wait. Ladies adorned in their smart uniforms with pocket watches clipped onto their front pockets caught her attention. She gazed at them with admiration. It was an ambition that was never meant to be. For years, she had envision herself in that attire, but atlas, it was merely building castles in the air. She sighed and quickly looked away. It shall remain a dream.

An hour slipped past. They were still waiting patiently for their turn. Even if it were their turn, they would have to wait again at the pharmacy. At hospitals, the act of waiting heads the list of things to do, as that is what one will be doing at least eighty percent of the time there. Early birds do not escape the torture of waiting either. She vividly recalls heading down to a polyclinic at 7 in the morning just a week ago, only to wait at least an hour and a half before it was her turn. These days, she sees the doctor more frequently than her mum.

And thus, the wait continues and her eyes darted from the television screen ahead to the book on hand. Occasionally, she would lapse into a conversation with her aunt. Tick Tock goes the clock. The numbers above the rooms buzzed, but never was it their number. It was going to be a long day.

--------------

Dark.

It was really dark. The gentle breeze shuffled the leaves on the ground and the branches overhead swayed with the wind. She breathed a sigh of relief as she spotted the gates that were left ajar. Quickly, she slipped into the school and smiled again. It’s been a long time since she has had to be in school so late at night.

As she approached the tuck shop, the distant laughter and chattering of students could be heard. The bright light greeted her as she stepped into the tuck shop. Spotting the familiar chairs and tables, she could not help but reminisce. Students turned to stare, but only for a brief moment. Slowly, she made her way to the stage area under Lecture Theatre 1. Things were as they were. As usual, there was a noisy bunch of people crowded round the stage. No doubt, they were most probably the newly elected student councilors, she thought.

Soon, she arrived at the end and left the bright lights behind and stumbled on into the darkness. Funny, there were no lights along the path. Not that that was surprising. It was a refreshing change, in fact. She could not help but recall the days after guitar practices where she had had to walk down this very path amidst the darkness. Ahead, light from beneath Lecture Theatre 2 beckoned her.

She lifted her head as she approached the stairs, a habit developed during her schooling days. Then, it was to see if there were any teachers heading down the steps. That night however, the picture that smiled down at her shocked her. The entrance was barricaded with shutters! Her eyes widened and she paused in her steps. ‘Oh no!’ she thought. ‘Is there no other way up?’

It didn’t take her long to figure out what a fool she was. She laughed as she walked towards another flight of stairs leading to the staff room. Taking the steps two at a time, it was not long before she came face to face with the pigeon holes, or letter slots as the teachers call it. Still, it will always be known as pigeon holes to her.

The darkness that resided in the area was overwhelming. Luckily for her, she brought along her handphone. Sliding her phone up, the light emitted by the phone was sufficient for her. Slowly, she searched for her teachers’ pigeon hole. Though it felt like it took forever, it probably took her only five minutes to find the two pigeon holes. Thereafter, she started making her way back down.

As she descended down the stairs, she started checking to see if the two letters on her hands were indeed hers. At the same time, she was admiring the formality and classiness of the envelopes. Silly, but true. Suddenly, a click of the shutters brought her out of her stupor. She looked up and quickly flew down the stairs, just in time to avoid being locked in. Phew! What a close shave.

Glancing at her watch, she finally realised how late it really was and briskly made her way to the entrance of the school. At the same time, she decided it was only decent of her to SMS a certain someone. Walking as quickly as possible so as not to get lock up in school, she started typing her message, and sent the message just as she left the tuck shop behind.

It was the end of another day.

---------------

"Sweet memories you gave me.
Imprisoned by them, I am now.
Damned."

CONGRATULATIONS!!
TJ'S GUITAR CLUB!!
GOLD WITH HONOURS!!
AGAIN!!

-jumps up and down-
-dances-
Yes! Yes!
We are the best!!
Whoot!!
-sings-
Nice nice!!
-nods-
-beams-
-envious-

"What do you see when you look at me?
Do you see my smiles?
Do you see the laughter?
Do you see all the happiness?
Or do you see past the front to what really lies beneath?"

-What do you see?-

--------------

When we were young, we were deemed innocent.
Slowly, innocence develops into ignorance.
As we grow older, ignorance evolves into stupidity and foolishness.
That's how society goes.

In the past, optimism was seen as a sign of hope.
Now, optimism is preceived as living in a world of your own.
"Wake up and smell the roses!" people scream.
"You're no longer a child. You can't be so naive anymore."

"Stop being so pessimistic," some people implore.
"I'm not being pessimistic, I'm just being realistic," was the reply.
No one dares argue with that.
Let's face it. The truth hurts.

--------------

How does it feel to have something you've been wishing for years and years evaporate into a puff of smoke?
How does it feel to hear people condemn your aspirations and hopes?
How does it feel to have cold water constantly thrown onto you?
How does it feel to lose everything that you thought were within your grasp?

How does it feel to do nothing and stare at the ceiling for 3 straight hours in a row?

Fine, I'm bored. SAVE ME!

--------------

In this dreadful place I live in, the society breeds elitism. When you're part of the elite, you are nurtured and well taken care off. Everyone is so eager to grab hold of you. You are high in demand. The moment you slip, even if it's just by half an inch, you're demoted to being an average being. An average being = NO VALUE.

In primary school, they offer the gifted education programme. GEPers are separated from the average beings. People hate them just because they are on top. Who blames them? Anyone would be envious. Who wouldn't want to be favoured? Then, some people point out, GEPers have it tough as they are under high pressure. COME ON! Who isn't under high pressure? Even people who are the so called 'bottom' few are under pressure. Constantly frustrated at not being able to perform well, don't you think that they have their own pressure to cope with?

Conclusion? There's pressure everywhere, whether you are on top or at the bottom, or even in-between.
Difference? The elites are made comfortable. They are thrown opportunities after opportunities. Yes, no doubt, the pressure is overwhelming at times, but at least the future is taken care of. The average beings are given nothing. It's a 'too bad' kind of thing. You'll just have to fan for yourself.

In secondary school, the elites are from the 'elite' school. They are the intelligent bunch, with superb leadership skills and an equally fantastic charisma. They can charm the crowd by playing with words, they can twirl the crowd around their fingers just by using their status.

"What school are you from?" they ask.
"XXX (an elite school)" comes the reply.
The jaws drop as they gaze at you with admiration.
Stupid really, but that's how it goes.

In JC or poly, your resume counts. Doesn't look impressive? TOO BAD! There's no place in society for you. No opportunities overseas, no opportunities at programmes reserved for the elites. You HAVE to be leader. You HAVE to have a post in your CCA. Your results MUST be reasonable. You MUST have self-confidence.

It makes no sense. We are controlled. People take up CCAs so as to secure a presentable resume. People who follow their passion are usually left with nothing. UNLESS they are a leader, or are exceptionally good at their passion, yada-yada. Is it really that important to lead? Don't people realise that without followers, leaders are deemed useless? Don't people realise that a good follower is also not a bad thing?

Oh right, I left out one of the most important factor. Talent. Being talented gives one an edge over others.

Good at an instrument? Come join xXx elite school. We'll reserve a place for you as long as you can help us attain a Gold with Honours during SYF. Your results doesn't matter. As long as you qualify for the minimum, you are in!

People who are not really good at anything (like me) are USELESS.
People who are average (like me) are WORTHLESS.
People who are followers (like me) are INSIGNIFICANT.
People who are not bad, but not good enough (like me) have doors slammed at their faces all the time.

Why offer opportunities to people who are average when you can nurture the best? D0n't waste resources on average people as they can't contribute as much as the elites, right? I totally agree.
The average can only be an average. That's why they have the elites.

---------------

Before my prelims, I thought, I'll be fine after my prelims. I wasn't.
Before my As, I thought, I'll be fine after my As. I wasn't.
After my As, I thought, I'll be fine after my trip. I wasn't.
After my trip, I thought, I'll be fine during christmas. I wasn't.
After christmas, I thought, I'll be fine after the new year. I wasn't.
After the new year, I thought, I'll be fine once I get a job. I wasn't.
After I got my job, I thought, I'll be fine after chinese new year. I wasn't.
After chinese new year, I thought, I'll be fine after I leave my job. I wasn't.
After I left my job, I thought, I'll be fine after I take up driving. I'm not.

Daddy's so gonna kill me!! Now, he's blaming me for my imperfections. ARGH. He shouldn't have made me in the first place. Just kill me can?

--------------

"Once you've chosen a path, just walk with your head up high. Do not turn back."
"What's over is gone and dealt with. Leave it. Look to the future."
"Leave what's behind, behind. Don't get trapped in the past."

The essence of it all is this - forget the sad past, just look forward.

How wrong can one ever be? The past catches up with you all the time. No matter how hard you try to forget, no matter how hard you try to 'leave everything behind', it'll unconsciously crawl back into your life, and you'll wonder if there is ever such a thing as 'living a brand new life.'

---------------

I don't believe him.
I don't trust him.
Can you blame me?
I've trusted so many people.
Yet, one by one, they lie to me.
It makes me wonder, are all guys like that?
Perhaps I'm just a difficult girl.

Once bitten, twice shy.
I'll still believe, but I'll have my doubts.

-------------

I'm so confused now. What is the truth? Don't play with me already can?
I'm tired of being played with. Tired of life as it is.

-------------

Call me stupid. Call me an idiot.
Call me useless. Call me an imbecile.
I'll still smile at you. I'll still talk to you.
But I'll always remember you as THE GUY who called me stupid.

-------------

The long wait seemed to be taking forever. Seconds ticked by as the numbers crawled.
Beep! Serving 028 at counter 3.
2 more. Just 2 more person and it would be her turn. She glanced impatiently at the clock and then back at the counter. What's taking them so long?! She thought. Her dad tapped his left arm incessantly, as though eager for this to be over. She felt so bad. Her dad had to rush back to work, yet here they were, waiting for some stupid number to show.

Beep! Serving 030 at counter 2.
Finally! After at least 45 minutes, despite only having to wait 3 turns, it was finally their turn.
They eagerly made their way to the counter and showed the person serving them their waiting number. After explaining to the counter girl what they wanted, the counter girl lapsed into a long explanation of the details, and the cost.

"So are you ready to register now?"
They nodded. Finally, the sentence they've been waiting for.

"First, I'll have to test your eyesight."

Huh? was her first thought. She made her way to the eye machine.

"Please read out the colours on the first row."
Everything went smoothly, until the last test.

"Please read out the letter below the number seven."
Silence. What the heck is that letter, she thought wildly. It was so terribly small. How can anyone possibly see anything?
"I..I.."

"The letter below the number seven?"
"Er.. er.. I can't see," she stammered.

She could feel everyone staring. Oh Geez, she thought. This can't get any worse.

"Do you wear spectacles?"
"Erm, yeah."

"Did you bring them?"
"No.."

"I'm sorry, but you'll have to make your way upstairs, to certify that your eyesight is okay."

Shit! ARGH! So embarrassing. Her dad was staring at her as though something was dreadfully wrong with her.

"Why didn't you bring your specs," he barked angrily.

Silently, she just walked on. Like wearing her specs will help. Yeah, right, but he wouldn't know, would he. He is not me, after all, she thought.

Upstairs, there was no directions what-so-ever. It was so so frustrating just to have to look for the right person. Finally, they found the right person and this is the most ridiculous thing to happen. THEY GAVE HER THE EXACT SAME TEST AGAIN! In front of EVEN MORE people, if you want to know. Everyone must be thinking, 'Why is this girl cutting queue?" And then, "Oh, this girl is blind."

What's worse is that the counter girl was SO IMPATIENT.

"Please read the letter below the number six?"
"Err.."

"Pardon?"
"Erm.."

"The letter below six?"
"Er.. I can't see."

"What? Speak louder can? I'm testing your eyesight!"

Kao, need she be so fierce? Now everyone is like staring as there's nothing else to look at, and what's more, she raised her voice. Geez. Of course people will stare. Dots.

"I can't see," she replied a little louder. So shameful can! ARGH.. WHAT'S THAT GIRL THINKING!!

"What do you mean cannot see? I give you the biggest letter already!"

CRAP! Really really really starting to hate her! Need she say that? She's practically shouting too. Might as well announce to the whole entire world that this girl infront of her can't see. Cannot means cannot. Must she spell it out to that girl?

Her dad behind her was bewildered.

"You'll have to fill this form up. Go to any hospital, Tan Tock Seng, General Hospital, or NUH, any hospital will do," the counter girl said coldly and handed them the form. What kind of attitude is this?

Fuming and totally embarrassed, she took the form and marched out of the disgusting place.

"You should've brought your specs! Then we wouldn't have made this wasted trip!" her dad fumed as they walked briskly back to the car.
"Daddy, even if I'd brought my specs, I wouldn't be able to see anyhow," she replied impatiently. She was too pissed and totally upset.

"What do you mean by that?" he said as he entered the car.
"Means my specs is useless. It's been useless since I was young," she murmured under her breath as she buckled the seat belt into place.

"What? How can it be? Your secondary school check up never ask you to check your eye?"
"Got. They always give the same form again and again. I throw it away all the time as it doesn't help. They only give you a form to change glasses that's all. And it doesn't help," she replied, not daring to look at her dad.
"But I did give you the form when I was in sec 4. They demanded a reply that time, so I had no choice, and we made a new specs didn't we?"

"Did we?"

Dots.

"Yeah, we did."

"Why didn't you tell me earlier? See la! Never listen when you were young, now how?"

Damn! Like I don't know.

"Next time when you enter uni also will have problems,"

Can you ever imagine knowing that everything that you've envisioned has just been horribly disfigured?
Can you imagine how it feels, after every other thing that's gone wrong, things are still going ever so wrong.
Can you ever imagine how it feels to finally realise that things are never going to get right. Not after all the hoping, all the faking, all the charades.

"Why didn't you tell me earlier? Tomorrow, early in the morning I'll bring you to Nanyang Optical. Don't you know how important your eyesight is..."

ANd Yada-yada. He just went on and on and on. Making her feel stupid. Useless. I think worthless is more like it.

"Mummy asked you to sign up for tuition, but you didn't either. What are you doing at home?!"

She didn't dare look at him. 'Don't he understand? I'm sick of working. Even students get a break. Why can't I? After this break, I might not get any other break once school starts, don't I deserve a chance to enjoy?' she thought angrily. 'For goodness sake, I'll end up working for the rest of my life after I graduate!' The more she thought, the more bitter she got. Nothing seemed to be going right.

Thereafter, her dad told her to make her own arrangements for lunch while he went back to the office first. Hence, she ended up eating alone at some fast food branch. Feeling utterly depressed, she ordered and sat quietly at one corner. Knowing that time is all the she's got, she ate her food slowly. Half an hour later, she barely started, having only consumed less than half of the fries.

It's actually quite nice to look at people. They are so different. Uniqueness arises out of varsity. Wonder what they're thinking of. Are they happy? Are they sad? What are they like when they're alone? Will the couple next to her remain a couple in a year's time? Are the guys over at the corner in NS? Which school will the school girls in front end up in?

After months and months of waiting, it has all ended up in nought.

-------------

"Could you increase her degree so that she can see?" her dad asked the optician at Nanyang Optical.

"I'm afraid it wouldn't help. I've asked her if there's any difference and she said that there isn't. Increasing the degree might only worsen the condition," was the reply.

"But won't increasing her degree help her to see better?"

"I'm afraid not. I suggest you bring her to the National eye center so that they'll prescribe a degree for her."

So that's that.
No hope.
Gone case.

---------------

Future is so bleak now.
What will happen from here?
This is ridiculous.
I have the best eyesight in school.
Everyone copies my work as they can't see the screen.
What does this prove?
That my eyesight IS OKAY!
Hmpf!
Living in denial.

--------------

"OMG miss! Are you stupid? Are you sure you're a JC student?!"

With that, he stormed out of the room.

So be it. I'm stupid too, now. I can't do anything right. I'm a huge disappointment. I'm a let down.

--------------

What's wrong with the world? Is there anything wrong?
To people who are ostracised by the public, the world is rotten.
To people who are environmentalists, the world is dying.
To people who are always overshadowed, the world is an unfair place.
To people who are always giving, the world just needs help.
To people who are happy, it is heaven on earth. There's nothing wrong with it.

So is there really anything wrong with the world?

-------------

"Do you see the walls I put up to keep them out?
Do you see all the tears that stained my face?
Do you see the fears that I try to hide?
Do you see the scars inside of me?
Those scars that wont let me free
Those scars that run deep inside
Those scars that mar my very soul
Those scars I try so hard to hide
So do you see the truth in me or just the truth I want you to see? "

-What do you see?-