Monday, March 30, 2009

I feel very lost.
A lost sheep, as someone pointed out.
Always lost.

3 more CAs.
5 more quiz.
1 more practical that lasts 2 days!!

And of course, 5 more finals.

--------------------oOo--------------------

Sunday, March 29, 2009

I was coming back from Cheers just a few minutes ago, when I passed by a m'sian on the staircase landing. What I heard truly made me jealous.

She was talking to her parents over in M'sia about her performance just tonight. She described vividly her fears and anxiety, and it seemed that her parents were genuinely listening. How nice.

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Saturday, March 28, 2009

If I were to be gone one day..

Friends:
Grieve for one or two days, and life carries on.

Someone:
"Finally. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, without caring AT LAST. Thank God."

Parents:
"What have I done wrong?"

Hmmm...

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By logical reasoning, I should be the happiest person on EARTH!
I have EVERYTHING one can ask for, right?
But,
Why not?

Why do I feel so sad?

--------------------oOo--------------------

This world that God created is no doubt beautiful. It is no doubt amazing and mysterious, and I truly love it. I do, I truly do.

I love it when I see friends hugging one another, giving each other the support that they need. I love it when I see couples looking adoringly into each other's eyes. I love it when I see couples declaring their love for each other so strongly on blogs. I love it when I see people doing special things for the people they love. I love it when a group of people work together towards a common goal.

I love it when nature gives us its best. I love it when the sunset is purplish pink. I love it when the rain drizzles and I get to skip in it. I love it when the leaves flutter onto the ground. I love it when 7 strips of colours adorn the pale blue sky. I love it when the stars twinkle at night, against the blanket of darkness.

There is so much things to be appreciative about; so much to compliment. Yet, despite seeing the HUGE picture, I can't help but dwell on the smaller pictures.

I envy people who are smart; I envy people who are kind.
I envy people who are patient; I envy people who are understanding.
I envy people who have a heart of gold; I envy people who are gregarious.

Why do I envy people so? Is it because I am so unsatisfied with myself? Why then, am I so unsatisfied with myself?

Why do I keep failing my parents?
Supposed to have headed off to DHS, but ended up at CCHMS.
Supposed to have headed off to VJC, but ended up at TJC.
Supposed to have headed off to medicine, but ended up at pharmacy.

Why do I not get things that I want?
Wanted to get into TKGS, but got into CCHMS.
Wanted to get into ACJC, but got into TJC.
Wanted to get into nursing, but got into Pharmacy.

Maybe it's because of my soft character, how I won't push things to go the way I want it to, but don't you think that it's not right to quarrel with your parents all day long? I remember that even when I relent eventually, we would have quarrelled for a month at least, not forgetting me bearing the grudge thereafter.

If I were to do it all over again, I bet I would have done the same too. I don't think I could have stand quarreling with my parents all over again. Besides, it's better if I get upset and disgrunted rather than my parents.

I would also hate the "I told you so" aftermath. Might as well just accept and listen.

I feel so restless.

Why have my life turned out the way it has turned out?
Why have my personality become the way it is?
Why is my character moulded the way it is?

I know, you ask me not to envy others. Whenever I start to envy, you just dismiss it by being angry that I always envy others. Why do I envy others? Maybe because I have more shortcomings than others? Why would I envy others if I did not want to become like them? It sucks to be the person that I am.

Am I doing all things wrong? Did I make a wrong decision somewhere?

I feel as though God wasted a life on me.
I seriously do.
I wonder when will He realise that.
And take it away from me again.

--------------------oOo--------------------

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

"当你握紧我的手
我决定和你走
经历再多的挫折
也绝对不退缩
当河流都倒流
我还在你左右
一直陪伴你到时间的尽头"

--------------------oOo--------------------

Dear God,

Why on earth am I still alive? Didn't we agree 6 years ago that you would only give me till 20? What is this?! I've passed my 20th birthday and here I am, still alive and kicking. LIAR.

I don't see any reason for you to keep me alive. Seriously. What's the point? I'm not contributing to society at all. I'm not of purpose to You at all, so why then do You keep me alive? As Your play thing? To see how nicely I fall? To see how miserable I can become living in this disgustingly stupid world? To get manipulated by Your people?!

Do You enjoy me breaking down again and again? ARe You laughing your hearts out as I frantically try to sort out my emotions? I'm sad and angry and I do not even know why. And no, in case some of you are guessing, this has NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYONE! Stop all your wild guesses. JUST STOP!

NO one made me upset. No one made me angry, so just STOP GUESSING.

Father, do You really enjoy seeing people in the dumps? I don't even know why I'm crying, or why i'm so easily irritated. I don't know why I cry when I'm NOT EVEN UPSET! Can you like, just come down and explain? I'm seriously SICK AND TIRED OF EVERYTHING!

I'm sick and tired of guessing.
I'm sick and tired of thinking.
I'm sick and tired of living, just for the sake of living.

I wouldn't mind if you made me terminally ill, or render me to suffer the worse months of my life before terminating it. At least I know then that my end is near. Right now, I'm aimlessly drifting through life, feeling stuffs I definitely do not want to feel, and trying frantically to be that happy person I'm supposed to be.

Father, I'm satisfied. I'm satisfied with the life I had, and I seriously thank You. I can never express my heartfelt gratitude to You, for granting me such a blessed life. I mean it, but Father, don't You think it's enough?

Why do You even give people emotions that are so hard to fanthom? WHY AM I FEELING SO UPSET?!?! I can't take it, feeling upset or depressed every other day. I think I will just go insane!! EXPLODE!

Every day I wake up thinking, another day of lectures. When I return, it's either to sleep or study. I don't even want to study as I don't think it's of any use. Whether I study or not, it matters not, I'll still end up with Bs anyways. And, people with 20/25 for tests will come moaning to me about how pathetic their results are when I fared far worse than them. Of course, the politically correct thing to do would be to comfort and encourage them.

Worse still, people with As come running to me complaining, "what's the use of going to lectures? I don't go, and I still got my A." WTH?! Father, if you created such people on earth, why do you even need me?!

I'm neither a good leader nor a good follower.
I'm neither a high acheiver nor good in anything in particular.
I'm neither smart nor super kind. Note, I wrote SUPER kind.
I'm netiher patient nor understanding.

In fact, I'm obstinate and impatient.
I'm mean and selfish.
I'm lazy and pampered.
I'm stupid and unintellectual.
I do not make people happy, much less touch their lives.

Why do you need such a person on earth? And, please don't ask me to read the book,'The purpose driven life'. I do not live for God, sorry to say to all christians or catholics. Flame me all you want. I do thank God. I do appreciate all things God have done. That does not mean I live for him. That does not mean I live only to honour or glorify His name, though I think His name is glorified as it is, and no, I do not badmouth Him. I do not condoe blasphemy. I just do not think that my whole entire life is for Him.

And I know that you guys must be thinking, 'Why is this stupid girl wallowing in self-pity?' Yes, I know that I'm wallowing in self-pity and I know that most of you are DISGUSTED with me, and frankly speaking, I have berated myself more times than I can count to stop with such a low, degrading act, but have I stopped? No. Tell me how then, instead of yelling, 'You are pathetic.'

The earth is overpopulated as it is anyway. As one president once said, there's so many people in my country, it matters not if a hundred dies. See my point, Father? There's far TOO MANY people here already, and I'm talking about THE WHOLE WORLD.

Why, Father did You make me so complicated? Can't I be that happy girl I want to be? Can't I think less, and be dumb, and innocently ignorant? I don't mind being stupid as long as I don't know that I'm stupid. Get it? I want to be ignorant. Ignorant is SO BLISS.

Everyday I wonder why am I feeling the way I'm feeling, and I can't seem to come up with any explanations. I no longer feel like doing anything. What's the point? It feels pointless. I don't feel the motivation to do things. I don't see the need for me to do anything. See what I mean, FAther? I'm useless in this world you have created.

Rather then honour and glory, I'm afraid I have tainted your beautiful world.

So tired. Explain to me, FAther. EXPLAIN EVERYTHING! OR ELSE JUST TERMINATE MY CONTRACT ALREADY!!

I can't take it.

I just realised that I'm condemned to Hell anyway, since I've rejected your holy name, Father. So I guess doing it my way doesn't really change that fact, right?

Amen

--------------------oOo--------------------

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

"I wish I were blind,
then I wouldn't have to see you upset or unhappy.
I wish I were deaf,
then I wouldn't have to hear your sweet talking.
I wish I were cold,
then I wouldn't have fallen for you.
I wish I were an empty shell,
then I wouldn't have to feel so much."


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When someone is visibly upset, which of the following methods do you think will work?

Will another person fumming, with a raised voice get that someone to talk?
Or will another person who is calm, and consoling get that someone to talk?

Will another person frowning, with an irritated look pasted across his face get that someone to talk?
Or will another person who is smiling, and encouraging get that someone to talk?

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"Think! Use your brain and think!!"
Everyone keeps saying this to Clara,
but think as she may, Clara cannot think of the right answer.
Why did God let such a stupid person survive on earth?

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"Maybe I should get sick once in a while.
It'll do me good."

--------------------oOo--------------------

Sunday, March 08, 2009

"Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you?"
"You're wrong."

--------------------oOo--------------------

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

"Sometimes, I can't help but feel so lonely.."

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“On time is late!” as we are constantly reminded by our discipline master, Mr. Soon.

Despite this though, her friends are always late when it comes to appointments. As such, it came to no surprise when they were late in meeting up for S’s 21st birthday celebration. Still, despite knowing this, she was there 15 minutes ahead of the appointed meeting time, and if one to calculate the ‘lateness’ in, she would have approximately 30 minutes before anyone arrives. Being a not-so-good shopper, she decided to just find a seat and read her book while waiting.

It was S’s 21st birthday! They were all excited! Her friend baked the cake, while she brought the present. Qq suggested eating at Raffles City, Out of the pan since none of them had savoured the delights there before, and it IS a 21st birthday, which renders the need to try something NEW! Hehe!

The celebration went about most successfully! All of them were prepared to be in lots and lots of pictures, seeing that it’s been at least 3 months since they last met up. They were all smiles and chatting most animatedly amidst the working crowd that ate there, but they seemed oblivious to it all as they indulged themselves in the company of each other.

They’ve been friends since they were 15! Isn’t it weird how years just simply fly by? Though they all went to different colleges, they still made the effort to meet up once in a while. Perhaps they aren’t the closest of friends – not the kind who share secrets and troubles and such – but still they have so much fun whenever they meet up. Furthermore, it’s no doubt that if there's really really a need, they’ll always be there for each other. It’s a weird relationship, I do admit.

All in all, had lots of fun, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! =)











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Sometimes, I feel stifled.
I can't stand not talking.
I can't stand not doing crazy stuffs.
I feel so bored.
I feel so restless.
There's like so much energy in me,
but I know naught where to place them.

I feel so restless.
I can't seem to sit still.

I feel so restless.

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"A need to find that fire again.
A need to live all over again.
A need to forget.
A need to forgive.
A need to have fun.
Again."

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