Monday, July 21, 2008

“Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile”


-Smile-

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Her grandmother’s birthday celebration was definitely nice. It was nice to see her. It was nice to see everyone, though a few were missing, but yup, it was delightful to see everyone again. Hopefully, the picture will not shrink anymore.

She’s happy for her grandmother. She is now 79!! How does she do it, she wonders. Regardless, she was her adoring Grandmother. She knows for a fact that her grandma dotes on her the most. More specifically, her brother and her. It hurts to think what her grandma is going through, but she is sure that her grandma is stronger than she looks.

She feels hapless as she looked on, knowing that her grandma is trying really hard, trying really hard to please her uncles. Just like how her grand uncle is struggling through. It must really be hard for them, especially with her uncles as relatives. It makes everything harder.

No matter, she knows that they will pull through it altogether!! Yes! =)

She was so happy to see her brother again!! Her brother came running towards her, and they hugged like they have not seen each other in years, although seriously speaking, it has only been a few days. Haha!! She definitely loves her brother. Love love LOVE HIM!!

He never fails to perk her up and he never fails to know what she wants. She loves him. Seriously. Haha! And yes, she knows that he is not her boyfriend. =.= Still, she really really laughed when she saw him, and they laughed for no reason at all, leaving her cousins a little stupefied. Haha!

Happy birthday, dearest Ah mah!!

I am so happy for you! I cannot thank you enough for the things that you have done for me ever since I was little kid. I love you, ah mah, and I pray that you will have many such celebrations to come!! May all your wishes come true and stay cheerful, and cute!! Wahaha!!

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Father,

Please grant my grandma and my grand uncle with the strength to fight on, with the strength to persevere regardless of what is happening. Allow them to have every reason to have a smile on their faces. Do not let them feel that they are a burden, but rather an asset in God’s world.

Father,

Please please please, watch over my brother. I know he is not doing as well as he wants to. He probably is disappointed, but grant him the strength to believe in himself. Grant him the confidence that he lacks. Grant him the knowledge that he craves for!

Father,

Is it okay if you lighten my parent’s burden? I do not want to be a burden to them, and I really want to help them. And, I know how to, it’s just that somehow, I always fail. Regardless, I shall try again!

Father,

Please please watch over all my friends! Watch over all the floaters and all the Rhocers. Do not let them tire themselves out. Do not let them overwork. Please grant them the strength and determination to pull through! Whatever they are struggling with, I hope everything will turn out okay!

Father,

This is all I want. Just guide all those around me, and I will be so so SO happy! I am willing to forfeit my share for the others!! Please Father!!

Thanks thanks a lot!! I love you, as I always do, just that, there are things which… Oh, I’m sorry, Father, but I still cannot bring myself to do it.

I’m really sorry, Father, but I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Amen.

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The only thing she really want in life right now is to bring laughter into other people’s life.

Somehow, she seems to be failing – terribly and disastrously. She’s really sorry to all her friends. She didn’t mean to bring anger and frustration. She didn’t mean for all the things she did, or have done unconsciously.

She is really sorry to all.
I’m really sorry to all.

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BANG!

BANG!

BANG!!


From the left, came a shot. From the right, came another shot. Run for cover!! But no matter what she does, she gets attacked from both sides. It’s hard to compromise with both sides breathing down her neck.

BANG!


Yet another shot, shot from behind. Without warning, shots after shots are rendered at her. She is stunned. She has not time to react. She is not fast enough!

BANG BANG BANG!!


Again, and again – shot from all directions! She feels torn, but it doesn’t matter for she knows that these shots were unknowingly fired. Ignorance is bliss as they like to say. Best if everyone does not know. Forgive and forget. It isn’t their fault anyway. From their point of view, they do indeed have every reason to open fire.

BANG!

BANG!!


AHHH! On and on it comes, it’s never ending!! She no longer ducks; neither does she avoid. It is near impossible to avoid anyway. She stands there and knowingly gets shot. Better her, than anyone else, right?

So, bang bang bang!! Who died?

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“The train at this station is no longer in service.
The train at this station is no longer in service.”

She was greeted by this announcement as she alighted from the MRT at Pasir Ris. She smiled as she recalled the last time she heard this exact same announcement, at the same exact location. It seems such a long time ago, but really it was not too long ago. How time flies. Or rather, how slowly time crawls - especially when one desperately wants some answers.

She slowly made her way to the bus interchange along with the throng of passengers that have also just alighted from the train. The roads were deserted save for some taxis here and there. The shops were all closed and their shutters have long been down. Amidst the crowd, she could not help but wonder how is it that everyone merely looked straight and headed directly to their destination. No one really took notice of the other. It’s as though everyone is zombie-fied. They only had one goal in mind, and that is to get home. Other than that, every other thing became part of the background.

Soon, she lagged behind the crowd. She realised how different people can be. She realised, if only one took the time to actually slow down and observe, one can learn a lot more than what one can achieve in school. Actually, she probably realised that a long time ago, but it is only now that strikes her as surprising that no one actually takes a second glance at the person next to them, despite having walked a distance together to get to the bus interchange. It’s like everyone is isolated and there is this thick wall surrounding each and every one of them.

Perhaps the hectic and competitive society has resulted in us being nonchalant to our surroundings. Our busy schedules have made us into robots, constantly running against time in order to meet whatever is written in that schedule. There is absolutely no time for us to actually pause for a moment. There is also no need for us to know who is walking beside us. Our schedules are our top priority. Our personal agenda rules over all things. It’s kind of sad to see such a thing, but all she can do is shrug and move on.

Her bus queue soon came into view, and she was surprised to find only one other person waiting for the bus. “The bus must have just left,” she thought to herself as she hoisted herself onto the railings. It was going to be a long wait, or so she thought. While waiting, her stomach grumbled a little and she smiled knowing that there were cookies waiting for her! It is such a great thing to have friends. What would she ever do without friends? Yet, she knows that she is hurting them, or rather, pushing them away. And all in an attempt to protect them, to not want them to feel hurt, to not want them to feel anything other than happiness. Is it wrong for her to think that way? She sighed as she came to this. She no longer knows what she is doing anymore.

A bespectacled girl with curly flocks joined the queue. “She looks tired,” she thought to herself as she took a quick glance to her right. Then again, she thought, I probably look tired too - perhaps physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. Too many things are happening at too fast a speed that it is terrifying the wits out of her, not that she has any in the first place. As she stoned there, staring into blank space, nothing went through her mind. It’s as though she has given up on thinking, and just wanted to escape into a world of her own; into a deluded world where everything is much simpler; where everything did not require much thinking.

Feeling rather stupid and dumb, she shook herself out of her stupor. Sill girl, she chided herself, smile and everything will be okay, yeah? And this went on for a couple of seconds before she started stoning again. Once in a while, she thought, ‘When is the bus coming?’ Other than that, emptiness filled the hollow brain resting within her skull. This did not last very long though, but thankfully the bus came before she could let her thoughts run wild.

She boarded the bus and tapped her ezy-linked card against the card reader. Having found a seat, she started going through the day’s events in her head again. She would not say that it was a horrible day, but she would say that it was a day in which she made a few people upset. She sighed again. Why was she constantly doing things to upset people? Sometimes, she really hated herself. However, no matter how much she regret her actions, what has been done, has already been done. The harm has already been created.

While seated within the bus, she scanned through and realised how few people were in the bus. Then again, it was indeed late. It does not make sense for the bus to be packed. She saw the guy who sat across her in the MRT. He must be really tired. He, too, slept throughout the MRT journey. Funny how they ended up on the same bus as well. She switched her focus to what was outside. Downtown east sure looks nice at night. The neon coloured lights definitely gave the place that little spice that they required. It was beautiful. Change does indeed work wonders.

She craned her neck a couple of times to check if it was time for her to alight. Having not taken this bus for quite a period of time, she lost track of where is she supposed to alight. It was nothing much to worry about though as her stop soon came into view. She pressed the bell and alighted shortly after. The bus left the bus bay and soon, she was alone in the streets. Now, all that is between her and her home is a long long walk.

Her footsteps echoed as she dragged her foot behind her. Somehow, she did not have this urgency to get home, despite the ridiculous timing. Hugging her laptop and her piano books, she continued walking at a luxuriously slow pace.

She started to think about her friends - her secondary school friends, her JC friends, her primary school friends, her hall friends, her pharmacy friends, her guild, and all her international friends online. She was truly blessed. She smiled at this thought. She loved her life. It was one that many envied, and she does not blame them. It was truly sweet!! She truly appreciated all her friends – all who has stepped into her life has indeed left a mark that is lasting. They were all nice, sweet and always there.

She thought of her family. They were the best!! The very best! She loved her parents; she loved her brother. She loved everyone!! They are the nicest bunch of people around. She is thankful that she was born into such a loving family. She is thankful that she is born in Singapore. She is thankful for all the opportunities her family, as well as God, has bestowed onto her. She truly appreciates everything! Loving everything at the same time too!!

They are the only ones keeping her here right now. If not for them, she probably would have just left a long time ago. She smiled. They are all worth it! She loves it when everyone laughs. Laughter is such music to the ears. She loves it when she sees the smiles on their faces. How delightful that image is. She loves it when people embrace happiness. It’s such a heart-warming sight. Love love love the world!!

No matter how bad things are, there are always beautiful events happening. Nature is one best example of God’s beautiful work of art. As she walked up the slope, she could not help but think of nothing but listen to the cicadas chartering around her. She could not help but look up at the cloudy sky where a star twinkled now and then. She could not help but glance at the trees as they swayed in the winds. God has indeed done a wonderful job making this place a beautiful place.

A taxi coursed the street now and then, interrupting the beautiful silence she was in. Aside from her footsteps that resonated, there were hardly any other sounds other than what nature is playing. How entrancing. She feels loved. She feels blessed. She feels fortunate. =)

Still, decisions have to be made. It’s ironic. She feels so.. how do you say it? Fortunate, but yet she is lost. She guess it’s a different kind of lost. She has long known that she was blessed with such bountiful amount of happiness, but yet she is still confused and lost. She is happy, really. =) Lost in a different sense. Confused in a different sense.

Alright! Never mind. The main important thing is that she is happy. Soon, her estate came into view. She smiled, and took a deep breath. She is happy, alright. Yes, she is!! She is now only minutes away from her house. Everything will definitely turn out well, like how it has always been done all these years.

She hopes.

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Between acquaintances and friends, what would you say you are?

Somehow, she finds that she is probably a better acquaintance than a friend. She always has this knack of irritating her friends, and rather frustrating them. The more one gets to know her, the more one realizes that she is not as likeable anymore. Perhaps being an acquaintance should suffice. At least, in that way, everyone is happy, right?

Over the course of the week, she realizes that the meaning to the word “friend” is pretty vague, and it varies from people to people. Furthermore, one might think he or she knows another person well, but in fact, he or she knows not about that person. She does not deny that one cannot really totally 100% know a person, but sometimes it is still surprising to see things which one does not expect; to hear things one least expect to hear.

Twice now, the knife stabbed. Shocked though she is, she was more of upset and self condemning. Why? She asked herself. It is a question that went unanswered and most probably will be left at that. Why not? She asked herself. It is a question that was replied with silence. She had nothing to say. It is definitely her fault. She definitely deserved it, but yet, the response was totally shocking, especially coming out from someone she thought otherwise.

Wondering if she is doing everything right; wondering if friends are what they are; wondering if she has harbored too much expectations and labeled too much to the word, friends.

Never mind. Ignorance is bliss, and she shall leave it at that; as long as the people alongside her are happy.

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”I believe for every drop of rain that falls,
A flower grows,
I believe that somewhere in the darkest night,
A candle glows.
I believe for everyone who goes astray,
Someone will come to show the way.
I believe,
I believe.

I believe above the storm the smallest prayer,
Will still be heard.
I believe that someone in the great somewhere,
Hears every word.
Every time I hear a new born baby cry,
Or touch a leaf or see the sky.
Then I know why,
I believe.

Every time I hear a new born baby cry,
Or touch a leaf or see the sky.
Then I know why,
I believe.”


-I believe-

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Saturday, July 12, 2008

“Each friend represents a world in us,
a world possibly not born until they arrive,
and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”


-Anais Nin-

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She has come a long, long way. No doubt, her path was not a smooth one, but rather one strewn with obstacles after another.

How many times have she tried to give up, only to give in again? How many times did she fail, but only to try again? How many tears have she shed for this? How much time have she invested in walking down this path?

Still, the leaves overhead continue to sashay onto her path. The sunlight is still blocked by the large canopy above. The wind whistles an eerie tune that lingers even when one does not feel anything. The environment is changing. Her challengers are changing. Looking back, it seems the path was not as bad as she thought it was. In fact, it now resembles that of child’s play. She takes a deep breath and smiles. It’s not so bad after all, right? Or is it?

She takes a step forward. Silence engulfed her. The scene has changed. The situation is now different. No longer was she in the position she was in 1 year ago. Ahead, the ground was covered with a disarray of roots, seemingly trying to grab onto her as she made her way through. She stopped short. She has come ever so far. Surely, this is but a small matter?

The clearing in front is very much visible, yet unapproachable. Before she knew it, the trees start to surround her. The clearing that she saw starts to disappear. Her goal is now lost. She is now soon to be lost. So near, yet so very far away. The very last hurdle and she is hindered. What has happened? It was a clear destination, yet it is now muddled by so many things!

After struggling thus far, is it now really really… time to give up?

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Pharmacy camp has officially ended last week!! It was fun, exhilarating, exciting, but yet draining and taxing, and oh, so very tiring.

I’m really glad for all the friendships I have made; for all the friendships I have strengthened through this camp. I’m thankful, Father, for all the blessings that you have bestowed onto me; for giving me friendships money cannot buy; for giving me happiness which everyone yearns for; for making me feel blessed and oh, so fortunate.

Still, no matter how blessed I am, no matter how fortunate I know I am, it just seems that I always find things to complain about! Clara! Be happy! Smile!! Start each day with a smile! Look at the mirror and smile! Laugh! Laugh at least once every day. Make everyone happy! Remember your motto: Everyday should be a happy day!

Pharmacy camp is rather an eye opener. It has exposed me to so many different types of leadership styles that sometimes I wish I wasn’t in the team. Everyone is so strong willed and strong headed. It’s hard trying to please everyone. It’s hard trying to be the mediator all the time. It’s hard trying to be messenger all the time. It’s just hard.

One simply cannot please everyone. It’s near impossible!! I tried! I really did try, but I guess I failed. I’m really really sorry to all who feel that the team is not the team that you guys expected. I’m sorry to those who have withdrew from the orientation team after the camp. I’m really sorry! Perhaps, if I had tried harder.. Perhaps, if I wasn’t so distracted by my own stuffs.. Perhaps.. Oh well. There is really no use saying what was not. There’s now FOW to look forward to! TRY HARDER, CLARA!

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Haha. I am supposed to be at float now, but what am I doing? Blogging. I don’t know. I went for float. Everyone was so quiet. I could not take it, decided to return 2 hours later. Haha! I guess everything at home sort of affected my decision to leave for awhile and to spend time alone to sort everything out. Oops! Really sorry to the floaters!!

Seriously, I think this whole holiday is like a walk down guilty lane for me. I am constantly having this urge to say sorry to everyone.

I am sorry to float that I have not committed myself as much as you guys expected me to. I really did not foresee everything that would happen at home though. Oh no, I am making excuses for myself again! zZz. When will I ever learn? Stop making excuses!! Okay, time to put in more time for float!! BE PART OF THE TEAM! NOT MAKE UP THE NUMBERS, CLARA!!

I feel indebted to a lot of people.

Concert people.
Phamacy people.
My family members.
My piano teacher.
My friends.


I feel like saying sorry to each and every one of them, but I know sorry is definitely no cure. Actions speak louder than words!!

Right now, float is like a refuge for me. When I’m doing float, I don’t think of anything else. Not concert, not my family, not my friends, not pharmacy stuffs, not my personal problems. Just float float FLOAT! I don’t want to think too much anyway. If I did, I will probably just throw everything away and run away. RUN RUN RUN!!

No, I can’t really do that, but I think that is exactly what I am doing right now. By constantly channeling my energy into float, I’m running away from concert; running away from whatever that is happening at home; running away from pharmacy stuffs. Oh no! What exactly am I doing to my life?

Sometimes, I wish I don’t ever have to go home. Then, I won’t need to face whatever that’s waiting for me at home, but yet I know I can’t do that. I cannot disappoint my parents anymore!! My mum sent me an e-mail one day. “Do not disappoint us,” she wrote. GOSH!! Really felt like crying when I saw that, but of course I could not. I was in the midst of floating.

WHAT AM I TURNING MY LIFE INTO?
I know not anymore.

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Okay, okay. Back to float.
Smiles, Clara! Everything will be okay! ^.^

Remember your motto: Everyday is a happy day!!
Make everyone around you smile, yeah? HEhe!!

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I feel like a lunatic talking to myself. HAha! Stop reading my blog if you feel irked out. Haha!!

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“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy;
they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”


-Marcel Proust-

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Thursday, July 10, 2008

"If you do not hope,
You will not find what is beyong your hopes,"


-St. Clement of Alexandra-

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Float.
Concert.
Pharmacy.
Piano.
Family.

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He used to run, he used to laugh.
He had a beer belly and was always jolly.
The smile on his face ever sincere,
hardly ever was he ever angry.

On his lap, she used to bounce;
His hands she used to hold.
The long walks they used to have;
the laughter that they shared.

It all seems to become a distant memory;
a memory from more than a decade ago.
His face now shrunken as age caught up with him;
his stature reduced to a hunch.

People now bellow at him as if he were a child;
an adult meant to be looked after.
He no longer has any authority;
Instead, he bows down and has no choice but to listen.

Why does time make a fool out of people?
Where was the man she once knew?
She is so afraid; so frightened.
Will everyone eventually leave her?

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"Knowing is not enough; we must apply.
Willing is not enough; we must do."


-Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe-

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--------------------oOo--------------------