"Greet each day with a smile,
The day would then smile back at you."

-Faith-

---------------

She alighted from the bus and walked towards the library. There was plenty of time. There were people heading for the market, people heading for school, and of course, people heading for work. It was still early. The sky was clear and the day seemed young and youthful. This was the first time she arrived so early. If not for the fact that she promised to save seats for a FEW of her friends, she would not have bothered to arrive before the library opens.

Here's the scenario. Everyday, you would have to fight with other students in order to secure a seat in the library. It was all a matter of time. Once, her friend arrived only 3 minutes after the library opened, but it was too late. All the seats were already taken up. 3 minutes! That is all it takes for all the seats to be occupied. This is crazy, I tell you. 15 minutes before the library opens, a crowd gathers at the entrance, just waiting for the doors to open. Not surprisingly, the door only opens at exactly 10, on the dot.

As she stood in front of the library, far away from the crowd, she could not help but feel a little foolish. Just yesterday, she would never have imagined herself to be one of the few waiting to rush into the library. If only she wasn't nice. Then again, her only talent was being nice. Sadly, she has no other talents to speak of.

At exactly 10, the doors opened and everyone scampered into the library.

"Morning!"

"Morning!"

"Morning!"

The librarians stood at the door, greeting everyone that entered. It felt weird. She quickly walked pass them, muttering 'morning' under her breath and hastily made her way upstairs. It would be disastrous if she could not find seats for her and her friends. All her efforts would then be for nothing. By the time she made her way up, most of the seats were already taken up. She quickly scanned the window seats. There were none left. Oh well. She turned and made her way to the reference room.

She avoided the reference room as much as she could. The reference room was usually freezing. Without a sweater or a jacket on, one would literally freeze in there, but that day was different. She had no choice. As she entered the room, she could feel the silence stifling her. Everyone turned and stared at her. This was not the first time this has happened. Whenever she entered the room to look for her friend, every single pair of eyes would be on her. It is probably due to the fact that there is only one entrance surrounded by all the tables.

She spotted an empty table and quickly made her way there, threading as quietly as possible. As she sat, she placed a file and 2 other books on the other seats of the table. She could not help but feel her face reddening. Reserving seats were, naturally, strictly not allowed, but everyone does that. Still, it was not a good thing to do. They better get here soon, she thought to herself as she took out her pencil box.

And so it begins. Another day of mugging. In the Artic.

---------------

"Hey!"

She jumped. She turned and found her friend standing behind her.

"Oh, hi! I didn't see you earlier. Can you find a seat?" she asked. Looking at the bag slung over her friend's shoulders, the answer was most probably a no.

"No. The whole place is packed. I can't find a seat anywhere!"

"There's a lot of space here. If you can find a chair, you can seat next to me," she said, smiling. Of course, it was tough finding a chair under such circumstances. Everyone would definitely have grabbed all the chairs. There were even people studying on the floor!

"No, it's okie. I think I'll try the reference room again. See ya," her friend said and waved before disappearing behind one of the bookshelves behind her.

She turned back to her work and proceeded to tackle another question. She was totally engrossed in her work when she felt a pat on her shoulders. She jumped again. She turned and found herself in the same situation as that of a few minutes ago. This time though, her friend did not have her bag with her. Ah, she found a seat, she thought to herself.

"Clara, I've forgotten to bring my foolscap paper. Could you lend me some?"

"Sure. How many do you need? 5 Pieces?"

"Yeah, that should do."

"Here you go, just come and ask if you need more. I've got loads," she said as she tore a few sheets of paper from the stack of foolscap. "Study hard!" she said and waved at her friend before turning back to her work again.

On and on the notes went. It seemed unrelenting. No matter how many times she read it, it still refuses to enter her thick skull. It was hopeless. She sighed as she turned the page. Another page of printed words greeted her. She sat upright and resolved to conquer this trying period. For a moment there, her morale was boosted an inch.

"Hey, Clara!"

She jumped again. This time, her jump was decorated with a slight outcry of shock. Her friend started giggling behind.

"Would you please stop that?!"

"It's not me. You just scare too easily. Anyway, I wanted to ask you some questions," her friend said, with a silly grin plastered on her face as she placed a stack worksheets in front of her. She could not believe her luck. Just when she was bored to tears by her notes, her friend comes along bringing something to wake her up. She smiled and before long, started explaining everything as softly as possible.

---------------

"Hey, it's 6:30 already. What time are you going for dinner?" her friend asked from across.

Weirdly, this uncle came and sat between them when another of her friend left earlier. The uncle was previously seated on her left, but shifted to her right when her friend left. Strange, huh! As a result, they had to communicate with the uncle listening in to everything they had to say. Here is another queer thing about the uncle. The uncle goes to the library everyday. Yes, EVERYDAY. Even on a Sunday. Who can fail to notice this uncle?

"I'm not eating out for dinner. Sorry! I'm going home for dinner," she replied, apologetically.

"Oh it's okay then, I was just asking," her friend said with a smile. Her friend was just so sweet. Sweet and nice.

"小朋友, 你们是不是要吃饭了?" The uncle suddenly turned towards her and asked.

She looked at him apprehensively. What was she to reply to such a sudden question?

"Er..er.."

"你们不用怕我. 我现在正在学中医. 你看!" With that, he proceeded to show her all his notes on acupoints and the anatomy of the human body. She could not help but look on with a slight hint of interest.

"你们看起来很累. 我在附近有开一间诊所. 不如你跟我一起, 我可以帮你减轻压力."

Oh no, she thought to herself. What does this uncle wants? Does she look like a 3-year-old kid? Her eyes flicked to the side for a moment and she noticed her friend staring at her from behind him. Apparently, her friend was shocked at his bold question. Her friend fervently shook her head, warning her against saying yes.

"Er..er.."

"或者我请你们吃饭. 我知道附近有一间饭店, 很便宜的."

Is this uncle really trying to be friendly? Or is there an ulterior motive behind it?

"Hey, Clara, I'm leaving for dinner. Do you wanna leave with me?" her friend suddenly piped up from behind the uncle, putting on this fake smile, but anyone could see it in her friend's eyes that her friend was hoping she would say yes.

Thank goodness!

"Oh yeah, I need to be going to," she replied, totally grateful for her friend's help.

"对不起, uncle. 我们要走了. 改天吧!"

She quickly started packing her bag, trying to avoid eye contact with the uncle. She could feel the uncle's gaze on her back as she packed.Oh gosh! If she unintentionally hurt the uncle's feeling, she was sorry! Frankly speaking, the uncle spooked her.

As she left, she could not help but glance back at the uncle. The uncle was still looking at her. She quickly snapped her head back up front. Freaky! This time, she will not let guilt get the better of her.

--------------

"对不起, 这里有没有人坐?"

That voice. That smell. It was all so familiar. Oh no. Not him! She turned to her left and sure enough, there was that uncle again.

"Er.."

"这里有没有人坐?"

"有" she said, feeling a little uncomfortable. It was not exactly the truth. There will be someone sitting there. Just that, that someone has not arrived yet. Technically, there was no one sitting there, yet. She has had to reject 5 other people asking for that seat. She knew that it was not right to hog seats, but she promised her friend. A promise is a promise.

Surprisingly, the uncle started pulling the seat out and placed his bag on the table. She stared at him.

"Uncle, 这里有人坐了"

"什么?"

"这里有人坐了" she said, louder this time. Her voice quivered a little as she spoke. She was not used to confrontations like this.

"Orh" was the uncle's reply before he made himself comfortable.

Her heart started racing. The few people that were sitting around her were starting to stare. Oh dear, oh dear, she thought to herself frantically.

"Uncle, 这里有人坐了" she tried again. This time, she said it much slower, pronouncing each syllabus clearly.

"哦? 有人坐了?"

She nodded, not knowing what else to say.

Thankfully, the uncle then stood up and pushed the chair back in before leaving. She breathed a sigh of relief and accidentally looked at some of the people sitting around her. They quickly turned their attention back to their work and pretended nothing had happened. Feeling slightly embarrassed, she kept her gaze fixed at the book in front of her.

---------------

Outside, the clock chimed once. It was 1 in the morning. It was time to sleep. She closed her notes and started transferring all her files and books from the bed onto the floor. Sometimes, she thought it would be better if she just slept on the floor. This would save the hassle of moving the notes around all the time, which could, in the process, mess up the sequence of the notes.

As she lay on her bed and looked at the clock hanging overhead, she tried to smile. It was, after all, another day gone. She survived the day. The thought of waking up tomorrow again was tormenting, but she quickly pushed the thought away.

Why do people have to sleep? She sighed. It was no use. There were too many distracting thoughts. Too many worrisome thoughts that troubled her sleep. Throughout the entire day, she spent more than half her energy trying to filter out these thoughts, but to no avail. It was a futile attempt. Her concentration wanes easily, and the moment she lets her guard down, the thoughts immediately grab the opportunity to race through her brain on a bullet train.

She closed her eyes. It was really time to sleep. Focusing all her thoughts on the rattling of the fan, she tried to blank her mind. Once in a while, thoughts strayed into her mind, but that was inevitable. In the daytime, she had her studies to distract her, but at night, she was at their mercy. They are ruthless. Within their clutches, it was hard to escape. They turn you round and round the merry-go-round, making you dizzy, making you sick, but you know there is little you can do to stop them. They are, after all, a part of your humanity.

Finally, sub-consciousness started claiming her. Peace at last?

She was rudely awaken by a huge vibration at her side. Sleepily, she grabbed the phone and slid it upwards. She peeked from her half-opened eyes and read the message. Funny, she still kept her phone by her bedside. For what reasons, she know not, but now perhaps, it was because she knew her friend, being the night owl that her friend always is, would develop a habit of messaging, or at times even call, her in the wee hours of the morning. (FYI: The phone no longer rests on the bed. The exams are over. Actually, it's dead half the time. There isn't any point in keeping it alive, is there?)

Still feeling groggy, she dragged herself out of bed and searched through the pile of mess on the floor for her Chemistry Ten Year Series. Just where is it? She thought irritably to herself as she rummaged through all her notes, making everything disoriented at the same time. Ah, there it is, she thought to herself and reached out for it. It laid beneath a stack of mathematics worksheet.

Page 45 Question 12B. She quickly flipped to the page and scanned through the question. Okay, this is do-able, she said, more to herself than to anyone else. She reached out for her pencil when she realised it was not there. She groaned. It must be beneath some worksheets over at that pile. She searched the table for another pencil, and managed to find one near the phone.

Within minutes, she completed the question. She picked up her phone again and messaged the answer across. Satisfied, she climbed onto bed and the process of falling asleep started all over again. By then, it was already 2:30 in the morning. Once again, she cannot help but ask, why do people need to sleep?

BRRRRRR! BRRRRRRRRR!

She woke up in shock and was confused for a moment, when she realised that her phone was vibrating. Again. This time, however, someone was calling her. She sneaked a quick glance at the clock before sliding her phone up. It was 3 in the morning.

"Hello?"

"Hi, xXx here, am I disturbing you?"

"Nope"

"I ask you arh, have you done integration?"

"Yeah"

"Can you get the answer for question 2?"

"Give me a minute, I need to look for the worksheet."

Not the first time this morning, she started looking through the stack of notes on the floor. It was starting to look messier and messier. She randomly grabbed a worksheet, hoping that it would be right one, but as usual, it was not. 'No, that is differentiation. If differentiation is near, integration must be near too,' she thought to herself. "Yes! Found it!" This time, she said it aloud for the benefit of her friend.

"Let's see. Question 2? Yeah, I got the answer."

"How did you get?"

"First..."

She slid the phone back down and placed it by her bed. It was now way past 3 in the morning. Her friend will need her sleep too. For now, there will not be any more interruptions. She flopped down onto the pillow and smiled. She was, at the very least, still useful to her friends. For a while. Again. Her smile disappeared at that thought. A while. Useful for only a while.

---------------

She laughed and giggled as she laid there, on the bed. Her brother was sitting on the bed too, above her. Her brother made a silly gesture and she erupted into laughter again. Once in a while, she would do something equally silly and he would laugh.

They were just fooling around after a day of studying. Somehow, this has sort of become a routine. They would end up in either room, and just start fooling around. Squeals of laughter would then drift out from the room. They would usually make a huge racket that was loud enough to wake the whole house. It was a good thing they usually played BEFORE everyone went to sleep.

"Children, time to sleep!" boomed a voice from above.

She looked up, tears glistening in her eyes from all that laughing. On some occasion, they would ignore that and just continue, but they both had papers tomorrow. It was best to turn in early.

"Okay la, you've got to sleep early tonight. Tomorrow still got exams," she said to her brother amidst giggles and laughter. They were both panting from laughing and playing. Her brother got up and left the room, only to return a few minutes later.

"Do you have any books to read?"

"Just take any book you like from the shelf," she said, gesturing towards the book shelf. She was tidying the place up a little. Playing usually results in things being thrown into disarray.

Finally, her brother retreated from the room and peace and quiet was once again restored in the house. It's amazing how much fun they can have together. She remembers reading on another person's blog:

"..brothers r always like that. got gf, then forget sisters. i wasnt close to my da kor kor before he had his gf. and after my er kor kor got gf, he forgot abt me. thats so sad right.."

Wonder if the 'brothers' know about it. Do you think she should tell them? Oh well, everyone has to grow up one day. That, my friend, is the sad part.

--------------

She looked up from the notes she was reading and gazed at the sky. It was the dawn of her first paper. The sky was overcast and darkness descended upon earth like a blanket would over a bed. The ominous grey clouds hovered above the school, threatening to pour any moment. If she did not enter school now, she might be drenched in the examinations hall. Still, she had to wait for her friends. She sighed and turned her attention back to her notes. The sky would hold. The clouds were just a sign, signifying the start of a gruesome and dreadful week. (Not that the past few weeks were nice, but the following 2 weeks would be worse. Far worse than before.)

Seated in the examination hall, her pulse started racing. This is it, she thought. It was now or never. It was either make or break. There was no other way. Fortunately for her, she was seated right in front, with a good view of the clock. It would be disastrous if the clock was positioned a mile away. Then again, her class was so far behind that they were assigned a classroom instead of having to take their paper in the school hall, which was huge.

"It's now 8:00 and you have one and a half hour to complete the paper. You many begin," the invigilator announced.

Immediately, everyone quickly flipped the page over and read through the question. She stared. She quickly sped read all the questions on the page and hastily crossed out questions that were unlikely to be chosen. Funny, that actually leaves her with no questions that can be answered. She frowned and started erasing some of the crosses. This was going to be tough paper.

As she stepped out of the examination hall, the sun glared at her, stinging her eyes and melting her hands. Her fingers were literally blue from the cold. It was a ghastly sight. You would not want to look at it. Even her friends could not bear the sight of it. Goosebumps coated her hands and it looked as though it was suffering from a serious bout of rashes. Her friends were all eagerly chatting away, anxious to know if they deciphered the question correctly. It would be horrendous if the question was misunderstood. Once you fail this paper, you were a goner.

20 minutes later, she was back in the room facing yet another paper. This time, she was decked in her windbreaker, determined to do better.

"Alright. You may begin."

Papers could be heard being flipped over for a couple of seconds before silence settled in. She poured through the tedious and boring passage before plunging into the questions. There was no time to be wasted. In her last paper, she had only 10 minutes to complete 2 whole paragraphs! No way will she allow that to happen again. After each question, she glanced at the clock before heading for the next question. Thankfully, the paper went by without a hitch.

Everyone poured out of the examination hall, rubbing his or her hands together to obtain heat via friction. Some were quiet, while some were chattering away happily, pleased that they were able to do the paper.

"Are you going home?" her friend asked as they walked down the stairs towards the tuck shop.

"I can't. I have another paper, remember? Another essay paper. And tomorrow, 2 more papers! I think our combination has got the worse time-table ever," she lamented as they strolled into the tuck shop.

"Oh, you can do it! 加油! See you tomorrow then!" her friend said and waved before disappearing around the bend as she headed towards the bus-stop.

Two hours later, she was seated in the examination hall again. Though, this time she was seated in the school hall with the air conditioning system blasting away at her. This was at least a hundred times worse than the classroom. Even her windbreaker could not block out the thundering airwaves.

"We shall start in 10 minutes. Meanwhile, you can pray or something. It's always good to pray," the invigilator said, with a smile on her face.

The whole hall smiled back at her. How ironic is it?

"It's good to smile too," she continued on, still smiling.

Everyone fidgeted in his or her seat, anxious for the paper to start so that this whole thing would end as quickly as possible.

"Alright, you may begin. You have two and a half hours."

Everyone immediately turned their papers and scanned through the questions. She quickly read through the questions and nearly groaned out loud. The questions were as foreign as Russian to her. She sneaked a peak towards her right and found that her neighbour had started writing. Oh no, she thought. Better start soon! She quickly chose her questions and started scribbling her answer onto the foolscap papers provided. Her windbreaker impeded her writing movements and was really an annoyance. Finally, she was so irritated by it that she folded the sleeves up before she continued. No doubt, the cold was eating into her flesh more than ever, but at least she could write a little faster now. Not to mention, neater.

PLOP!

She turned to her left, only to find the guy with his head against the table as though resigned to his fate. His hands were still flying across the paper, but at a much slower rate. A look of hopelessness descended upon his face. She quickly turned back to her paper and tried to squeeze out points to write. No matter how illogical her points were, at least write something! Soon, she ran out of points to write - her brain juice squeezed dry. She sneaked another glance at the guy to her left and realised that he, too, had stopped writing. She turned back and searched her brain for other possible answers. There was still time, so it was better not to waste it. Ironically, previously she had no time, yet now she was wishing time would pass faster.

It was a torturous process to sit in the examination hall watching as time ticked by, with the paper staring back at you, yet you knew you could do nothing about it. Worse, you knew that it was all over. Nothing you do would help. And to top it all, you realised that all those studying did not do you any good. At all.

At the end of the day, she trudged towards the bus-stop, feeling utterly saddened by the paper. The prospect of the 2 papers tomorrow did not brighten her mood. And the day after next? Another paper, with 10 essay questions to be done.

---------------

The torrent rained onto earth, thrashing everything in its way as though determined to destroy everything in its path. She grabbed her umbrella tightly as she picked her way through the estate. It was no easy task. There were floods everywhere, threatening to soak her shoes and socks. Heaven just love making fun of her. As though life was not already miserable. A couple of black clouds were just the thing to spice up her life. How nice.

Suddenly, a gust of wind blew. For a moment, she lost grip of her umbrella and was nearly sent flying backwards. Within seconds, she was soaked to the skin. Oh great, she thought. She was sure to freeze in the examination hall now. It was in the school hall too. How typical. Things always go wrong all at one go. Then again, things have all gone wrong since August. It was no surprise there.

SPLASH!

She looked down only to be greeted by a soaked shoe and a chill went up her spine. There was no way out now, she has had no choice but to step on the water. You have no idea. The puddle of water was ankle deep! She muttered something incoherent before walking on, fuming with anger. Before long, she arrived at the bus-stop, totally drenched.

45 minutes later, she was seated in the school hall, shivering away. She looked at the others and could not help but wonder if life was happy for them. She smiled at her friends and said the usual words of encouragement as they walked past. Right now, she had to concentrate on her paper. What has happened, has happened. There was nothing she could do about it. She picked up her pen, her hands shaking a little and started writing her name.

"You have 15 more minutes," announced the invigilator.

She looked up in shock. 15 more minutes?! She quickly flipped till the end of the paper and her nerves started to get the better of her. 15 minutes! In 15 minutes, she has to complete one structured question and 2 essay questions! Essay, I tell you. Oh no, oh no, she thought to herself frantically. Quickly, she tackled the essay question, but her mind was in whirl. It was an impossible feat. Who could complete 50 marks worth of questions in 15 minutes?! Her hands scribbled away, not knowing what they were writing. They were just writing for the sake of leaving an answer on the paper.

Oh heck! Who cares? She thought and jumped into the essay questions. Her mind could barely focus as her hand flew across the paper. Nothing she wrote made sense to her. Hopefully the teacher would think it made sense. Her eyebrow creased into a furrow as she struggled on, trying to keep her breathing steady.

"Alright. Pens down. No more writing. Crush any unused paper you have. Make sure you do not crush your answers..."

The invigilator's words were lost within her as she stared at her pathetic attempt of the essay question. She was doomed. Gone. Dead before you could say the word die. It was really all over now. Despair sank like a stone at the pit of her stomach as she looked at the question. She knew the answer! But there was just not enough time. All her efforts, disappearing down the drain, washed by the rain. She was totally demoralised.

---------------

The rest of the papers were too depressing to be penned down. In a nutshell, from day 1 of the papers, everything went down hill. Not that it started from the top of the hill, but i think you get the meaning. It went from bad to worse.

Nevertheless, I have to applaud you, whoever you are, for having read thus far. Bravo! It must have taken much patience and perseverance to read through all those ramblings, all those mundane stories of an ordinary teenage life. Knowing the few people who know about this blog, I highly doubt any would actually read till this part. So I guess it is fair to say that none, and most likely no one, is reading this right now, but just in case, I still have to congratulate you on this marvelous feat. Well done, my friend.

Now, a warning. The following is highly depressing and if you don't know her well enough, I would say it is definitely unwise for you to read on. I repeat, you are to venture on at your own risks. I am, not in any way, responsible for your emotional well-being if you were to plough on recklessly. Beware, for i have warned you.

---------------

What? You are still reading this? Are you sure?

Oh well, don't say I did not warn you.

Be prepared.

Wait, I guess you need a break. Here's a little something to watch:
Enjoy!

That's right. Nothing beats the love of your parents. And now to cut to the chase, we are onto the main course of the day.

---------------

Now, how should I begin?
It's tough to write what she has to say in a narrative tone, so i shall just quote directly from her.

"My examinations? Well, it was a disaster right from the start. And I do mean from the start. From the preparations and all," she said. At this point, she paused and seemed to be deep in thought.

"You see, I thought time had stopped. It literally did. I still remember. It was on the 18th of August. Ironic, isn't it? Just a week after my birthday. It just makes you wonder.." She fell silent again as though the memory was too horrible to be said out loud.

"I used to think that such a thing would not happen to me, you know? Never, in my wildest dream would I have thought that such terror would befall onto me. I could not concentrate on my studies at all. I kept wondering why? Why? WHY? I was tormented day and night by thoughts that seemed foolish but yet, reasonable. Of course, I never dared ask. What was the use? It's over, isn't it? Better for only one person to suffer, yeah? Still, I can't help but wonder why." At this, she fell silent again, as though still tossing that question thru and fro within her mind.

"Naturally, I thought up lots of reasons. I mean, how can you think for so long and not think up of anything? Only someone dense would be like that. Oh, there were loads of reasons, alright. Most of them pointed the blame at me. I felt so useless and worthless. Actually, I still feel useless and worthless, if not worse. Of course, the main reason would be the most cliché reason of all - that I’m not good enough," For some reason, she started laughing. I have no idea why.

"It's funny when you find yourself
Looking from the outside
I'm standing here but all I want
Is to be over there
Why did I let myself believe
Miracles could happen
Cause now I have to pretend
That I don't really care

I thought you were my fairytale
My dream when I'm not sleeping
A wish upon a star
That's coming true
But everybody else could tell
That I confused my feelings
With the truth
When there was me and you

I swore I knew the melody
That I heard you singing
And when you smiled
You made me feel
Like I could sing along
But then you went and changed the words
Now my heart is empty
I'm only left with used-to-bes
And once upon a song

Now I know you're not a fairytale
And dreams were meant for sleeping
And wishes on a star
Just don't come true
Cause now even I can tell
That I confused my feelings
With the truth
Because I liked the view
When there was me and you

I can't believe that
I could be so blind
It's like you were floating
While I was falling
but I didn't mind"

-When there was me and you-

"Sorry, I just could not help but laugh. It just seemed funny now that I’ve said it out loud, you know. All these weeks, I played with the thought often enough, but I guess I was living in denial, but now come and think of it, it is most probably true. It's sad you know? I don't know why. Don't ask me." She paused again. I'm actually surprised she said so much to me. But wait, there's more.

"每一晚, 我都会在床上辗转难眠, 脑海里一直想东想西, 这种滋味是非常痛苦的. 你知道吗, 当你知道你的前途很渺茫的时候, 当你知道你突然间在一夜里失去了一切, 你就不知不觉会陷入悲哀之中. 不管你怎么挣扎, 也只不过是白费力气吧了! 你看看我.读了不知道几年的书, 到头来还不是功亏一篑? 如果这次又是考得一团糟, 我真的完蛋了. 不. 没有如果了. 我知道这次一定完蛋了." For some reasons, she started jabbering away in mandarin which came as a total shock, but who dares to interrupt her?

"真没想到我也会沦落到这个地步. 现在, 我仿佛过着得过且过的生活. 走一天, 看一天. 生活已经没有意义了. 我做什么事都弄巧反拙, 真是愚蠢, 真是笨透了! 再加上现在考试又考得不理想, 爸爸妈妈一定会很失望. 但是, 我对自己的失望更大一百倍, 一千倍. 我真是辜负了他们的期望. 真是对不起. 我不是故意的. 我也不知道为什么会这样. 我真的不知道." At this point, her voice reduced to a whisper such that I had to lean forward to catch that last bit.

"很多人都说, 不在乎天长地久, 只在乎曾经拥有. 这道理是行不通的. 谁不想要永恒的幸福快乐? 这句话只不过是用来安慰别人而已. 现在, 我终于明白, 爱你也难, 恨你也难的道理了. 你知道吗, 男人是世界上可恨的人. 他们只喜欢捧你. 六年前是这样. 现在还是这样. 这世界是不会变的. 我的朋友曾经问过我为什么会那么怕跟男人沟通, 但是我仍然笑着, 什么都没说. 她们怎么会明白呢? 现在, 在别人面前必须装着满面笑容的样子, 就宛如在拍戏似的. 算了, 反证天下无不散之筵席, 对吗?" I nodded, scribbling down whatever she has to say. It was difficult. My chinese standard, as you can see from the above, is just dreadful.

"泪水已经流干，前途也很渺茫
迷失的灵魂，我们应该怎么办
惩罚我们就是堂皇的协助成长
然后让我们一生绝望

有些人幸运天生没有战场
我们一出世就是自己孤军作战
站在十字路口的风雨中呐喊
不要让我们一生绝望"

-一生绝望-

"Well, it's hopeless now. Everything is over. I am so dead now. If only I were truly dead, then I don't have to worry anymore. No more thinking. No more stress. No more heartbreak. For a moment there, i thought my heart had broken into numerous minuscule of fragments. But, that's the most silly thing one can ever do isn't it? To commit suicide? It actually takes courage to make that first step, you know. You people always think that an act of suicidal is an act of cowardice when in actual fact, it is the total opposite. Have you ever tried to stand in a victim's shoes? Try standing on the 20th floor of a HDB flat and look down. Would you ever have the courage to swing your leg over the railings? Would you? No, right? See what I mean? It takes courage. Real courage to make that first step." I hastily backed away at this point, as she seemed slightly agitated. First and foremost, I had to protect myself in the event when she turns violent. Thankfully, none of that happened.

Suddenly, she started laughing again. I raised my eyebrow in amazement and did not know what to make of this scene.

"I never can figure out if it's just coincidence or not that just opposite my school stood a HDB flat that was tall enough to kill anyone that fell from the top floor. I've wondered on countless occasion what does it feel like to fly through the air, you know. Will your life flash through your mind as described in storybooks? Or will your mind just be a shroud of darkness. Blank. Will you really feel elated as you fall? Or will you be panicking, waiting anxiously for the impact? I guess I will never know till I try it out myself, right?" Her eyes twinkled with a tint of mischief as she said this. Was she for real or not? I did not know. Let's hope not.

"People lie all the time. It's only human nature. You cannot blame anyone for lying. All you can blame is yourself, for actually being naive enough to believe. Still, it's wrong to lie. Sometimes, I can't help but wonder was he just playing? It IS probable you know, but I will never know, will i? I will never know anything anymore. Nevertheless, I still believe everyone is good in this world. You should always give everyone the benefit of the doubt you know. By condemning someone is being as bad as them, that is, taking that they are as bad as you claim them to be. Oh well, I'm really tired now. I don't know if I can take this anymore." She closed her eyes and fell silent. For a moment there, I thought she fell asleep, but she started talking just as I was about to stand.

"People always say your friends will always be there for you when you are feeling down. Even in songs, it is depicted that a friend goes through thick and thin with you. But what if, you don't have any true friend? What if all your friends, are just nice people who keeps you company now and then? Friends? I don't know. I feel so lonely. I feel like just throwing in the white flag and everything will be over, won't it? I do feel as though all the happiness was sucked out of me. I don't even look forward to the prom anymore. Even the year-end trip does not arouse a slightest hint of excitement within me. Oh, god! What's happening to me?" There was silence again as she stopped talking.

"Anyhow, I've still got 4 more papers. Though it may seem that studying does no help now, it does no harm to try." At this, she stood up and sashayed towards the door.

"Oh, by the way, I'll be watching the movie, The Banquet sometime this weekend or next week. Do you think anyone would wanna come along?" she enquired as she paused by the door.

I stared at her dumbly, not knowing what to say.

"Oh, it's okie, I highly doubt anyone would be interested anyway. I was just asking. Take care now!" she waved and smiled. From her bright smile, no one would ever suspect her to be the very same girl who sat on the sofa across me a few minutes ago. And so she left the place, leaving me alone to think over all that she has said.

"我们什么都没有
也没有轻易的低头
我们什么都没有
也没有放弃的念头

不管路要怎么走
不管是谁牵着谁的手
只要我们的心
紧紧相扣我们就什么都拥有"

-拥有-

---------------

"How can I soar now, when the wind beneath my wings is gone?"

-Faith-