Today is a Saturday. No, wait; it should be a Sunday now. My brother is making an awful racket downstairs. He invited his friends over for a sleep-over, and thus they are having the blast of their lives (I hope) playing with whatever they can get their hands on. I am guessing that they are not going to sleep tonight, which I won’t blame them. Ever since I started University, I wonder how many times have I gone without sleep. It’s quite fun actually. My parents? My parents are already asleep.

Whenever I think of my brother, I can’t help but feel proud of him. Ever since he started JC, I guess he changed quite a fair bit. He has become more hardworking than ever, though I think he still plays a lot, but I guess his abundant amount of intelligence has more than make up for it. Thus, I would say he did really well for his promos. Better than how I faired then, at least. Yet, my dad still says that he needs coaching from me. Hmmm… when I scored worse than my brother 2 years ago, my dad didn’t even say anything, but now he is so concerned over my brother’s results. I guess being the eldest means that I will always be the guinea pig in everything.

My brother has also made quite a fair bit of friends. I think I can safely say that he is enjoying JC life more than I did. Kudos for him!! At least I have not heard any complaints from him yet. He did not even complain about his promos!! (Which I did, but not in front of my parents of course, ‘cause I really did quite badly… but that’s the past.) I think I can safely predict that he will enter university easily into the course that he desires. Good for him too!!

Ganbatte ne, otoutosan!!

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They were outside, waiting for her dad to come and get them.

“So, are you enjoying what you are doing now?” her mum suddenly turns and asks.
“Doing now? Like everything?” she enquired, tilting her head to the right.
“Mm…hmm…” her mum ascertained with a nod of her head.
“Well,” she looked away into the direction in front of her, “I enjoy doing everything that I’m doing except for studying!” She grinned back at her mum with that cheeky look on her face.
Her mum smiled and said, “That’s good. It means that you’re enjoying uni life.”
“Of course,” was her reply.

She took in a deep breath and looked away again, reaching to her right for her cup of bubble tea, trying to look preoccupied as she took a sip out of the drink.

It is true indeed that she is enjoying uni life. It is however not true that she did not enjoy studying. Studying is fun. It definitely is, but when you receive your test papers and you realize that you are doomed for eternity, it no longer is. Correction. When you receive your results without having the opportunity to look at your test papers, but on your result it states F, you can’t help but wonder will there even be a future for you if you continued supporting the class from below?

Then again, obtaining such disdainful results were entire her fault, so who is she to blame? No one. There’s nothing she can do about it anyway. It’s done, and one can’t go back in time. Oh, how many wish that they could do just that.

In JC and Secondary School, even if you failed a test, there isn’t really that much reason to be disheartened. After all, it’s the GCEs that you will be working for, not some stupid class tests. Now, every single test counts. Fail one, and you fail all. Worse, fail all, and you are doomed!! So like she said before to someone, you won’t understand, because the situation is different, and you won’t know, because you aren’t here and will never be.

Every weekend, she gets to go home. Unlike her peers, she isn’t exactly excited to return home. Her room mate, and everyone else seem to yearn and look forward to heading back home, but for her, heading home means having to lie, having to hide more and more things from her parents. Every weekend, she greets her parents with a smile, and leaves them with a smile.

“How’s school?” they ask.
She’ll just say, “Okay” and smile back.

They presume that everything is fine and that she’ll most likely do really well. Every weekend, without fail…

“Study hard alright? Maybe you can get into Medicine next year,” her mum would pipe up during dinnertime with so much hope in her eyes.
She would smile and continue eating without giving a reply. Of course, anyone who knew her would know that it was impossible. She herself knew that it was impossible even before school started. Now that school started, she highly doubt her ability to stay in the school after a year.

Once, a really long time ago, her reply was different.
“But I don’t want to be a doctor,” she said.
Her mum’s eyes grew stormy.
“I thought that was your ambition since young?”
“No, that was your ambition for me, so I took it to please you,” she retorted.

For that, she paid heavily. Therefore, she never really tried to say anything else from then on.

Every weekend, she sees her parents beaming at her, having these high hopes of her, but yet she knows that ultimately she will most probably disappoint them heavily. It pains her to have to hurt them so, but it’s already too late.

“Which one do you like?” her mum said, grinning at the beautiful watches displayed before them.
After hesitating for a moment, she pointed to one at the bottom right hand corner, “this one.”
“Okay, mummy will get it for you if you do well in your exams at the end of the year,” her mum said, smiling widely.
She smiled back, and she knew that it was not going to happen.

To her mum, scoring well at the end of the year might seem a natural thing, but she has got no idea that this year would be exceptional – in the wrong sense. Don’t get the wrong idea, scoring well at the final exams is still possible, and highly possible too, but the overall results… well, that’s highly questionable.

“Are any of your friends in a relationship?” her mum suddenly asks, out of the blue.
Stunned, she stared at her mum for a couple of seconds before recovering.
“Yeah, sure. Plenty,” she said casually.
“Your hall friends?”
“Yup! And pharmacy ones too…” she said, nodding a little.
“Huh?! But how come RJ and HC students have so much time for relationships? (Apparently, pharmacy is dominated by the 2 schools)” her mum’s reply was that of shock and bewilderment.
Shrugging, she said, “I guess it’s because they are really smart. They don’t really have to spend time studying at all…”
“Are you smart then?” her mum asked, turning to look at her.
She frowned at her mum and wondered what is with all these random questions.
“Nope, definitely not,” came her reply.
“But mummy and daddy is smart!” her mum said with a defiant tone, not wanting to accept her answer.
“I guess I inherited your recessive genes then,” she replied, shrugging once again, before looking away.

And that’s why it hurts so much to come back home. She feels as though she is being such an ungrateful daughter who throws away all the hopes and aspirations pinned onto her by her parents. Seeing the smiles on their faces that would be erased in time to come is highly torturing. The overwhelming guilt and shame just cannot be penned in words.

Again, you will not understand, and hopefully, never understand.

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Halloween flew past not too long ago.

“Hey, weren’t you scared in the haunted house? You laughed all the way as though it was your playground!!”
Before she could reply, someone butted in.
“Nope! She doesn’t feel anything. Not anger, not sadness, and definitely not scared! She just feels one thing – happiness.”
She smiled and laughed.

And that is what she will feel,
Forever and ever and ever,
Amen.