Dear God,

Why on earth am I still alive? Didn't we agree 6 years ago that you would only give me till 20? What is this?! I've passed my 20th birthday and here I am, still alive and kicking. LIAR.

I don't see any reason for you to keep me alive. Seriously. What's the point? I'm not contributing to society at all. I'm not of purpose to You at all, so why then do You keep me alive? As Your play thing? To see how nicely I fall? To see how miserable I can become living in this disgustingly stupid world? To get manipulated by Your people?!

Do You enjoy me breaking down again and again? ARe You laughing your hearts out as I frantically try to sort out my emotions? I'm sad and angry and I do not even know why. And no, in case some of you are guessing, this has NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYONE! Stop all your wild guesses. JUST STOP!

NO one made me upset. No one made me angry, so just STOP GUESSING.

Father, do You really enjoy seeing people in the dumps? I don't even know why I'm crying, or why i'm so easily irritated. I don't know why I cry when I'm NOT EVEN UPSET! Can you like, just come down and explain? I'm seriously SICK AND TIRED OF EVERYTHING!

I'm sick and tired of guessing.
I'm sick and tired of thinking.
I'm sick and tired of living, just for the sake of living.

I wouldn't mind if you made me terminally ill, or render me to suffer the worse months of my life before terminating it. At least I know then that my end is near. Right now, I'm aimlessly drifting through life, feeling stuffs I definitely do not want to feel, and trying frantically to be that happy person I'm supposed to be.

Father, I'm satisfied. I'm satisfied with the life I had, and I seriously thank You. I can never express my heartfelt gratitude to You, for granting me such a blessed life. I mean it, but Father, don't You think it's enough?

Why do You even give people emotions that are so hard to fanthom? WHY AM I FEELING SO UPSET?!?! I can't take it, feeling upset or depressed every other day. I think I will just go insane!! EXPLODE!

Every day I wake up thinking, another day of lectures. When I return, it's either to sleep or study. I don't even want to study as I don't think it's of any use. Whether I study or not, it matters not, I'll still end up with Bs anyways. And, people with 20/25 for tests will come moaning to me about how pathetic their results are when I fared far worse than them. Of course, the politically correct thing to do would be to comfort and encourage them.

Worse still, people with As come running to me complaining, "what's the use of going to lectures? I don't go, and I still got my A." WTH?! Father, if you created such people on earth, why do you even need me?!

I'm neither a good leader nor a good follower.
I'm neither a high acheiver nor good in anything in particular.
I'm neither smart nor super kind. Note, I wrote SUPER kind.
I'm netiher patient nor understanding.

In fact, I'm obstinate and impatient.
I'm mean and selfish.
I'm lazy and pampered.
I'm stupid and unintellectual.
I do not make people happy, much less touch their lives.

Why do you need such a person on earth? And, please don't ask me to read the book,'The purpose driven life'. I do not live for God, sorry to say to all christians or catholics. Flame me all you want. I do thank God. I do appreciate all things God have done. That does not mean I live for him. That does not mean I live only to honour or glorify His name, though I think His name is glorified as it is, and no, I do not badmouth Him. I do not condoe blasphemy. I just do not think that my whole entire life is for Him.

And I know that you guys must be thinking, 'Why is this stupid girl wallowing in self-pity?' Yes, I know that I'm wallowing in self-pity and I know that most of you are DISGUSTED with me, and frankly speaking, I have berated myself more times than I can count to stop with such a low, degrading act, but have I stopped? No. Tell me how then, instead of yelling, 'You are pathetic.'

The earth is overpopulated as it is anyway. As one president once said, there's so many people in my country, it matters not if a hundred dies. See my point, Father? There's far TOO MANY people here already, and I'm talking about THE WHOLE WORLD.

Why, Father did You make me so complicated? Can't I be that happy girl I want to be? Can't I think less, and be dumb, and innocently ignorant? I don't mind being stupid as long as I don't know that I'm stupid. Get it? I want to be ignorant. Ignorant is SO BLISS.

Everyday I wonder why am I feeling the way I'm feeling, and I can't seem to come up with any explanations. I no longer feel like doing anything. What's the point? It feels pointless. I don't feel the motivation to do things. I don't see the need for me to do anything. See what I mean, FAther? I'm useless in this world you have created.

Rather then honour and glory, I'm afraid I have tainted your beautiful world.

So tired. Explain to me, FAther. EXPLAIN EVERYTHING! OR ELSE JUST TERMINATE MY CONTRACT ALREADY!!

I can't take it.

I just realised that I'm condemned to Hell anyway, since I've rejected your holy name, Father. So I guess doing it my way doesn't really change that fact, right?

Amen