This is gonna be a sad post.
So..
just
don't read on.
ok?

Thanks.

Private
And
Somewhat
Confidential

Really.
STop reading

I mean it

Don't come crying to me

ANd yes, I REALLY REALLY MEAN IT





STOP READING!



You are courting your own death.




And yes, I hate talking.



I prefer to write



So don't ask me why I write instead of talking to somone.
I just prefer writing


SHOO!
Be gone



Zzz..



You were warned.




It's kinda of weird how my thoughts can drive me crazy.

When I'm in my room alone, lying on my bed, and suddenly all my guard is down, and every single thought that has ever crossed my mind comes rushing into brain all at one go. It's so torturous and overwhelming that I wish my brain would stop functioning somehow.

It was all going along well. Working from morning till night, and then drowning myself in games, shows, and then attempting to sleep. I guess the attempting to sleep part didn't go really well because here I am back again at 1:10am in the morning when I have work later, pouring out my sorrows into a FREAKING blog.

But, I just can't stop thinking, and the cry baby me, has a leaky pipe again. Yes, my eyes hurt now, but who cares? I'm a cry baby anyway. I REALLY REALLY HATE MYSELF. Craps.

It's so hard to swallow everything, and pretend nothing is wrong with me, nothing is bothering me, when in fact, everything he does affects me in one way or another! I feel super confused. What am I supposed to feel now? He cries out in frustration that I have strangulated him, and yes, I do agree, perhaps I AM strangulating him. I decide to stop sms-ing, stop random sms-ing, and yeah..basically stop smsing. And, expectedly, he has stop sms-ing as well.

Somehow, this bothers me a great deal, but if that is what he yearns, anything to make him happier. My mum definitely does not make things easier for me! What with her saying, does he think of you all the time? Because if he don't, he does not love you. Does he miss you when he does not meet you? Why isn't he here to help you move out of hall? Why didn't he send you back? Because if he doesn't, he does not love you.. YADA YADA!! How am I supposed to feel when she asks me these questions? How am I supposed to answer when she asks me such questions? I fREAKinG HELL DO NOT KNOW! How am I supposed to know if he misses me or not? He doesn't even sms, for @#$@!# SAKE! How am I supposed to know if he thinks of me or not?!

And you know what? Which girl will demand a guy to send her back when he stays at CCK and she stays at the other end of the world?! NO ONE! And no matter how many times I tell my parents, they will still ask the SAME question everytime I come back. =.= Like, give me a break! Talk about demanding! My parents expect more than me, and he complains that I'm demanding.

Can you imagine how frustrating it is, to hear these kind of questions being shot at me, when I'm trying to convinced myself that it is normal the other way round? I'm like being torn two ways, and I really wish someone would just tear me apart. IT is so FRUSTRATING and upsetting at the same time. One can hardly imagine. I feel so alone in handling this. Does he even understand how horrible it is to hear such things from my very own parents. How am I supposed to block such things from my OWN PARENTS? How am I to ignore, when they come from my parents? Parents whom I have listened to nearly all my life? Parents who have the greatest authority over my FREAKING life?

It is tough. I know. Nonetheless, regardless, I know he loves me, and that's importatnt enough right? I should ignore everything my parents say, ignore my fairy tale believes, ignore everything, and just have faith and trust in him. I do, I really do, and that is the only thing that keeps me going right now, though I won't deny that every now and then, I end up in the state I am now when the questions become too much, when the self doubts become too much, when the thoughts that run wild becomes too much, when my heart runs ahead of me.

Reassurance would be good. Actions would be good, but I shouldn't expect so much right? I shouldn't demand anything right? AFter all, love is unconditional. So what if he doesn't sms me? So what if his tone is always so lack of enthusiasm? So what if he seems cold, and doesn't seem to respond? So what if he is not there when I need him? So what if he hates to see me crying and becomes fierce when I do that? So what if he refuses to hug me? SO WHAT? I still love him, and I should NOT NOT NOT expect anything in return.

Although my heart definitely keeps telling me otherwise, which is FREAKING IRRITATING. HOW I HATE MYSELF SO. I HATE HATE HATE HATE MYSELF!! ARGH! Why do I compare him now, and the way he was while chasing me? WHY WHY? Can you imagine what it is like from a girl's perspective? It's like, when you didn't have me, you try everything, when you got what you wanted, YES! you scream, you're mine now, and that's it. It's like, becoming close friends with someone just so to get into a company or to become acquire a top position in a company and when WHAM! You get what you want, you totally throw that friend aside. Can anyone imagine how it feels?! FREAKING USED and CHEATED!

Then again, I guess chasing someone is not easy. It gets tiring, and well, totally understandable to want to stop, and tone down or something. Yeah, prefecly understandable, yet there is this disappointment somewhere some how. Still, I love him, and that's all that matters right?

Still, it's kind of saddening to remember all the promises he made, which went broken. It really really pains my heart to remember such things, although I really want it thrown out of my head. Then again, I should love him for the way he is right, even if it pains me till I can hardly breathe, I love him, and forgiving is the first step away from hating him.

I guess he is right for being angry with me, that I should love him for the way he is. Since he is not a sensitive kind of guy, then so be it. Since he hates people crying, so be it. Since he yearns freedom, so be it. I shouldn't tie him down to do anything. I shouldn't tie him down to change anything. Love him for who he is right?

But right now, I will have to change - To become more matured, so he doesn't find me an eyesore or an irritant. Anything to make him happier with me.

DAMN it. No matter how I psycho myself, I still feel a little sad. WHY DIDN'T HE SMS?! Craps. There I go again, being possessive and demanding. What right do I have to warrant an sms from him anyways? Grrr.. STUPID CLARA. STOP WHINING. Sobs, I do miss his sms though. I wonder if he is sleeping right now.. ARGH!! There I go again, thinking about him. STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM, DAMNTIT.

I feel stupid doing the things I do. Why did I set up the blog? To communicate, but of course, it is a one sided attempt. Why did I buy that stupid christmas present for him? Why did I even get any valentine gift for him? Oh man.. every little thing is flooding back. SHIT. I have to stop.

Is it so hard? I ask, what do you like about me, and he replies, do you have so little faith in me? I want to scream, I have every faith in you, but I don't have that in myself. Can't anyone see? I seriously have no confidence in myself at all. What about me that make people want to chase me? FREAKING HELL, WHAT? And you know what, I realised if any other person aside from him tells me the answer, it doesn't register in my brain. The person I want the answer from is him, and any other person that answers it in his place, makes me smile, sure, but then it does not have the same effect as when he says it instead.

After whining, and complaininng, and drowning in my stupid sorrow, I realised I do feel better, and after my head clears from these junks I realise that if I were to choose all over again, I most probably will commit the same choice again. I love him, and that's the important underline. And of course, my ultimate aim is to make him happy, to not see him angry, sad or disappointed. To make him proud of me. I realise that even though times spent with him can be irritating at time since he teases me nearly 24 hours everyday, but when I see him laughing that wide smile of his, it just pleases me. Even if it is at the expense of my emotional well being, even if my self confidence drops further, who cares?

He laughed. He smiled.
That's all that matters right?
His happiness.

There, my eyes are puffy, and I still have more to write, but at least half of it is emptied, and I should be able to go on for a week or so without much outburst.
Time to sleep now else tomorrow's work will be hell.

And yeah, I do love him, and I will of course continue doing the stupid things I did.