"Why do I do the things I do? Will there always be a reason?"<

---------------

I'm thinking of quitting float.
I mean, seriously.
After one week, I still am equally lost, if not more lost.
After one week, I still don't feel anything for float.
After one week, I don't see why am I there.
After one week, I really don't see any point in my presence.

What role do I play in float exactly?
Member?
Leader?
Messenger?
Figure head?
What?

I don't feel like a member, but neither am I a leader too.
I feel as though my role is similar to last year minusing off the member status.
People still ask me things (most probably because of a stupid title that exist for no reason at all), and if I know, I'll tell, and as usual, most reply is, "I don't know leh.. Must ask chaoqun or cyceilia when they come back."

I hardly know how to decide. I delegate jobs to juniors, and then what? I don't even feel part of them. I don't know how to gel with them. They seem like people from another planet to me. I'm so scared of them. I'm scared that they expect things from me which I cannot deliver.

Now, when they ask me questions, though I say, okay, can, eventually they'll still say, "but must ask cycelia or chaoqun to come back right?" Oh.. Yeah. Must wait.

Zzz. But I won't decide, because the repurcussion will be serious. With no artistic sense at all, how THE HECK did I even become the cladding head?

I feel super frustrated and helpless.
Sure, you say go do what the juniors are doing, but I feel so out of place. I'm like a wondering ghost sometimes, floating about doing nothing - wondering what should I do now. What an irony. I'm literally floating around.

I have no sense of direction.
I don't have this sense of commitment. I feel chaoqun and cycelia can handle even though they are both working. No difference isn't it? Whether I'm there or not. Ultimately, we'll still have to wait for them to return for decisions to be made.

What's the point?!

Isn't it ironic?