"Why do I do the things I do? Will there always be a reason?"<

---------------

I'm thinking of quitting float.
I mean, seriously.
After one week, I still am equally lost, if not more lost.
After one week, I still don't feel anything for float.
After one week, I don't see why am I there.
After one week, I really don't see any point in my presence.

What role do I play in float exactly?
Member?
Leader?
Messenger?
Figure head?
What?

I don't feel like a member, but neither am I a leader too.
I feel as though my role is similar to last year minusing off the member status.
People still ask me things (most probably because of a stupid title that exist for no reason at all), and if I know, I'll tell, and as usual, most reply is, "I don't know leh.. Must ask chaoqun or cyceilia when they come back."

I hardly know how to decide. I delegate jobs to juniors, and then what? I don't even feel part of them. I don't know how to gel with them. They seem like people from another planet to me. I'm so scared of them. I'm scared that they expect things from me which I cannot deliver.

Now, when they ask me questions, though I say, okay, can, eventually they'll still say, "but must ask cycelia or chaoqun to come back right?" Oh.. Yeah. Must wait.

Zzz. But I won't decide, because the repurcussion will be serious. With no artistic sense at all, how THE HECK did I even become the cladding head?

I feel super frustrated and helpless.
Sure, you say go do what the juniors are doing, but I feel so out of place. I'm like a wondering ghost sometimes, floating about doing nothing - wondering what should I do now. What an irony. I'm literally floating around.

I have no sense of direction.
I don't have this sense of commitment. I feel chaoqun and cycelia can handle even though they are both working. No difference isn't it? Whether I'm there or not. Ultimately, we'll still have to wait for them to return for decisions to be made.

What's the point?!

Isn't it ironic?

"And so it ends.."

-------------

Today marks the "end" of the 6 weeks preceptorship. We had moments of fun and laughter, moments of anguish, moments of lethargic, moments of sweetness and moments of tears. It was a most enjoyable 6 weeks, and I simply cannot emphasize how fortunate I am to be posted here.

Technically, it's the 'end', but I'll still have to wake up bright and early tomorrow morning to do 'preceptor-related' stuffs. HAha! It's going to be a long day tomorrow.

When the day ended today, I was filled with so much gladness and somehow, I was so excited. I was liberated! Free! Yes! No more having to wake up to a day of uncertainty.

However, as sudden as the feeling of zeal came, it went. With no one I could shout my joys to, it really seemed meaningless. With no one I could share my happiness with, it really seemed like nothing. No, wait. Correction. Not being able to share with the person I desire makes everything seem like it didn't matter.

Nonetheless, it was over. Tomorrow is going to be a whole new day, with a whole new agenda. I sure hope we raise lots and lots of money. I hope I get really really tired. Yeah. Real tired.

Now that preceptorship is over, that leaves me with FOC and Float.

Well, Float.
Hmm..
Ecstatic, yet apprehensive.
Eager, yet hesitant.
Dreaming big, yet scared.
Well yeah. Basically, scared.

Foc?
Simply enthusiastic.
I can't wait to get under the sun.
I can't wait to get tired till my muscles go numb.
I can't wait to feel wasted.

Pictures of us, preceptees, and another with the preceptors.
Sweet memories!



--------------

Suddenly, I have this song on loop. The same song that I keep listening to during my exam period in may.

There is no one else that I can say this to
And there is nothing better than to talk to you
If you have a problem I'll be here for you
'Cause girl you always know that
Its Us Against The World

I met someone the other night
Someone I really started to like
How will I know if it's right for me
I wonder if we are meant to be
Don't start to like him too much too soon

There is no one else that I can say this to
And there is nothing better than to talk to you
If you have a problem I'll be here for you
'Cause girl you always know that
Its Us Against The World

You know that boy I started to see
He thinks he can have it all for free
I wonder if he's the one for me
I try to talk to myself into see
Don't start to like him too much too soon

There is no one else that I can say this to
And there is nothin better than to talk to you
If you have a problem I'll be here for you
'Cause girl you always know that
Its Us Against The World

There is no one else that I can say this to
And there is nothing better than to talk to you
If you have a problem I'll be here for you
'Cause girl you always know that
Its Us Against The World

Whenever you're near there is no fear
Feels like there's nothing I can't do
You make me feel strong
'Cause its here with you that I belong

There is no one else that I can say this to
And there is nothing better than to talk to you
If you have a problem I'll be here for you
'Cause girl you always know that

There ain't nobody else but you
That makes me feel the way that i do
There ain't nobody else but you

There is no one else that I can say this to
And there is nothing better than to talk to you
If you have a problem I'll be here for you
'Cause girl you always know that
Its Us Against The World

There is no one else that I can say this to
And there is nothing better than to talk to you
If you have a problem I'll be here for you
'Cause girl you always know that
Its Us Against The World...

-Us against the world-

---------------

"Why do I always feel lost amidst everything?!"

"Simply love what I'm doing now.."

--------------

Tonight was simply fanta-bulous! Everyone from the company gathered at Toa Payoh Macs and had a great night out! Not only did we get to catch up on what everyone else was doing, but we had a great bonding session with our preceptors as well!

Great company was the fries, coke, Mc spciy, Mc chicken etc, that everyone was ecstatic. Not forgetting, the night was topped with Mc flurry, Sundaes and apple pies! It was simply amazing and fun!

Games were accepted with much enthusiasm which was an eye-opener as I thought adults do not take into such activities, but much to my surprise, they were all really spontaneous and were cheering each other on with much energy! Great job after working the entire day! Kudos to them pharmacist!

The welfare provided by the company was definitely great! Words simply cannot describe the gratitude that we have for the pharmacists there. They are such a fun-loving bunch of crowd. They really know how to work hard, as well as to play hard! Love love love them! They really made our 6 weeks of experience a truly memorable one!

After all the food, fun and games, each preceptee was told to share something unique or interesting with the crowd, and to everyone's amusement, everyone had something hilarious or weird to tell. Every one's story left the audience in spits of laughter till their faces went numb with spasm. It was definitely a night of laughter!

Sadly though, the night had to end young since most of the people had morning shift the next day, me included, and I stay all the way at the other end of Singapore! It would be so sad to leave the company at the end of this week. I definitely will miss all those laughters and smiles. Their hospitality and grace were definitely out of this world.

I am so glad I got posted into that company!
I am so gonna miss them all!!

Sobs!

A great night, indeed.
Soda-liciously sweet!

---------------

I wonder what will happen next week.
I really feel lost, since I don't know what's happening.

Somehow, I am looking forward to FOC.
Frankly speaking, I don't know what I'll be doing next week.
What exactly is happening?
Will I feel like an outsider like how I felt last week?
Will I feel inadequate?
These questions plague my mind day in and day out. Am I really wrong not to go back? But so what if I went back? Went back once and TOTALLY felt out of place. Sure, everything felt, sounded and looked familiar, but I felt like I did not belong. AT ALL.

It was really weird to the point of scary, because I am NOT supposed to feel like an outsider! I worked with the same people last year! ARGH! And, I am going to work with them 24/7 for the next 6 weeks to come.

I am so so scared now.
I don't know what to expect,
And I hate myself for looking forward to FOC.

---------------

"What's gonna happen next?"

"I no longer know what I want.."

-------------

The whole place looked familiar
The whole place sounded familiar
The whole place felt familiar

Yet,
I felt like an outsider somehow

--------------

"Taking things as they come.."

"2 more weeks!"

-------------

The weekend was fanta-bulous!!
Truly, it was.
Memorable.
Sweet.

Thanks a lot,
Darling

-----------

I just watched Slumdog Millionair with my mum, but she fell asleep halfway through. =.=
What struck me in the show was the way that it stirred so many memories within me. The images that flashed across the screen seriously brought back the sounds and smell of India. Everything the movie depicted was how I remembered.

From the business district, all the way down to the slums. Oh, and who can forget about Chai? I will never forget about Chai. Such beautiful memories. I remember on our last day there, our mentor told us to write a letter to ourselves. We could write anything - about what we have learnt here, about what we have seen here, about the wonderful night scenery; the shooting stars and the star adorned skies, about the kids; innocent yet not so at the same time, about the running about in the sand, bathing with well water, black outs in the middle of the night, freezing in the wee hours of the morning, etc. Thereafter, they collected our letters and told us that they would send it to our homes 6 months from then.

True enough, I received my letter during float. What a shock it was. I truly did not even remember about those letters. I'm amazed at the stuffs I wrote inside. It was truly amazing.

Whenever I head overseas, I really dread returning back to Singapore. WAs the same when I went to Sri Lanka, and it did not change when I was in India. It stunned me, when I realise that my team mates were eager to return to the society we live in as they missed the luxuries that we sometimes take for granted, and true, I do miss them, but I am more frightened and perhaps detestful of our society.

Receiving that letter really made me re-live such wonderful, such pure memories, and I realise that it is easy to forget stuffs in this fast paced and meritocratic society we live in - such that we forget our inner self; that we forget what we really wanted when we were a child.

Money is so important.
Made of paper, yet treasured by most.
It's ugly and disgusting, but yet having it also means an easier life, somehow.
And yes, money can't buy everything, but it sure can bring comfort and laughter in a sense. It's how you spend it that matters.

Yeah. Playing Sims should vividly potray that. Haha!

A love hate relationship with money.

-------------

"Love the weekend.
Fanta-bulous!"

This is gonna be a sad post.
So..
just
don't read on.
ok?

Thanks.

Private
And
Somewhat
Confidential

Really.
STop reading

I mean it

Don't come crying to me

ANd yes, I REALLY REALLY MEAN IT





STOP READING!



You are courting your own death.




And yes, I hate talking.



I prefer to write



So don't ask me why I write instead of talking to somone.
I just prefer writing


SHOO!
Be gone



Zzz..



You were warned.




It's kinda of weird how my thoughts can drive me crazy.

When I'm in my room alone, lying on my bed, and suddenly all my guard is down, and every single thought that has ever crossed my mind comes rushing into brain all at one go. It's so torturous and overwhelming that I wish my brain would stop functioning somehow.

It was all going along well. Working from morning till night, and then drowning myself in games, shows, and then attempting to sleep. I guess the attempting to sleep part didn't go really well because here I am back again at 1:10am in the morning when I have work later, pouring out my sorrows into a FREAKING blog.

But, I just can't stop thinking, and the cry baby me, has a leaky pipe again. Yes, my eyes hurt now, but who cares? I'm a cry baby anyway. I REALLY REALLY HATE MYSELF. Craps.

It's so hard to swallow everything, and pretend nothing is wrong with me, nothing is bothering me, when in fact, everything he does affects me in one way or another! I feel super confused. What am I supposed to feel now? He cries out in frustration that I have strangulated him, and yes, I do agree, perhaps I AM strangulating him. I decide to stop sms-ing, stop random sms-ing, and yeah..basically stop smsing. And, expectedly, he has stop sms-ing as well.

Somehow, this bothers me a great deal, but if that is what he yearns, anything to make him happier. My mum definitely does not make things easier for me! What with her saying, does he think of you all the time? Because if he don't, he does not love you. Does he miss you when he does not meet you? Why isn't he here to help you move out of hall? Why didn't he send you back? Because if he doesn't, he does not love you.. YADA YADA!! How am I supposed to feel when she asks me these questions? How am I supposed to answer when she asks me such questions? I fREAKinG HELL DO NOT KNOW! How am I supposed to know if he misses me or not? He doesn't even sms, for @#$@!# SAKE! How am I supposed to know if he thinks of me or not?!

And you know what? Which girl will demand a guy to send her back when he stays at CCK and she stays at the other end of the world?! NO ONE! And no matter how many times I tell my parents, they will still ask the SAME question everytime I come back. =.= Like, give me a break! Talk about demanding! My parents expect more than me, and he complains that I'm demanding.

Can you imagine how frustrating it is, to hear these kind of questions being shot at me, when I'm trying to convinced myself that it is normal the other way round? I'm like being torn two ways, and I really wish someone would just tear me apart. IT is so FRUSTRATING and upsetting at the same time. One can hardly imagine. I feel so alone in handling this. Does he even understand how horrible it is to hear such things from my very own parents. How am I supposed to block such things from my OWN PARENTS? How am I to ignore, when they come from my parents? Parents whom I have listened to nearly all my life? Parents who have the greatest authority over my FREAKING life?

It is tough. I know. Nonetheless, regardless, I know he loves me, and that's importatnt enough right? I should ignore everything my parents say, ignore my fairy tale believes, ignore everything, and just have faith and trust in him. I do, I really do, and that is the only thing that keeps me going right now, though I won't deny that every now and then, I end up in the state I am now when the questions become too much, when the self doubts become too much, when the thoughts that run wild becomes too much, when my heart runs ahead of me.

Reassurance would be good. Actions would be good, but I shouldn't expect so much right? I shouldn't demand anything right? AFter all, love is unconditional. So what if he doesn't sms me? So what if his tone is always so lack of enthusiasm? So what if he seems cold, and doesn't seem to respond? So what if he is not there when I need him? So what if he hates to see me crying and becomes fierce when I do that? So what if he refuses to hug me? SO WHAT? I still love him, and I should NOT NOT NOT expect anything in return.

Although my heart definitely keeps telling me otherwise, which is FREAKING IRRITATING. HOW I HATE MYSELF SO. I HATE HATE HATE HATE MYSELF!! ARGH! Why do I compare him now, and the way he was while chasing me? WHY WHY? Can you imagine what it is like from a girl's perspective? It's like, when you didn't have me, you try everything, when you got what you wanted, YES! you scream, you're mine now, and that's it. It's like, becoming close friends with someone just so to get into a company or to become acquire a top position in a company and when WHAM! You get what you want, you totally throw that friend aside. Can anyone imagine how it feels?! FREAKING USED and CHEATED!

Then again, I guess chasing someone is not easy. It gets tiring, and well, totally understandable to want to stop, and tone down or something. Yeah, prefecly understandable, yet there is this disappointment somewhere some how. Still, I love him, and that's all that matters right?

Still, it's kind of saddening to remember all the promises he made, which went broken. It really really pains my heart to remember such things, although I really want it thrown out of my head. Then again, I should love him for the way he is right, even if it pains me till I can hardly breathe, I love him, and forgiving is the first step away from hating him.

I guess he is right for being angry with me, that I should love him for the way he is. Since he is not a sensitive kind of guy, then so be it. Since he hates people crying, so be it. Since he yearns freedom, so be it. I shouldn't tie him down to do anything. I shouldn't tie him down to change anything. Love him for who he is right?

But right now, I will have to change - To become more matured, so he doesn't find me an eyesore or an irritant. Anything to make him happier with me.

DAMN it. No matter how I psycho myself, I still feel a little sad. WHY DIDN'T HE SMS?! Craps. There I go again, being possessive and demanding. What right do I have to warrant an sms from him anyways? Grrr.. STUPID CLARA. STOP WHINING. Sobs, I do miss his sms though. I wonder if he is sleeping right now.. ARGH!! There I go again, thinking about him. STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM, DAMNTIT.

I feel stupid doing the things I do. Why did I set up the blog? To communicate, but of course, it is a one sided attempt. Why did I buy that stupid christmas present for him? Why did I even get any valentine gift for him? Oh man.. every little thing is flooding back. SHIT. I have to stop.

Is it so hard? I ask, what do you like about me, and he replies, do you have so little faith in me? I want to scream, I have every faith in you, but I don't have that in myself. Can't anyone see? I seriously have no confidence in myself at all. What about me that make people want to chase me? FREAKING HELL, WHAT? And you know what, I realised if any other person aside from him tells me the answer, it doesn't register in my brain. The person I want the answer from is him, and any other person that answers it in his place, makes me smile, sure, but then it does not have the same effect as when he says it instead.

After whining, and complaininng, and drowning in my stupid sorrow, I realised I do feel better, and after my head clears from these junks I realise that if I were to choose all over again, I most probably will commit the same choice again. I love him, and that's the important underline. And of course, my ultimate aim is to make him happy, to not see him angry, sad or disappointed. To make him proud of me. I realise that even though times spent with him can be irritating at time since he teases me nearly 24 hours everyday, but when I see him laughing that wide smile of his, it just pleases me. Even if it is at the expense of my emotional well being, even if my self confidence drops further, who cares?

He laughed. He smiled.
That's all that matters right?
His happiness.

There, my eyes are puffy, and I still have more to write, but at least half of it is emptied, and I should be able to go on for a week or so without much outburst.
Time to sleep now else tomorrow's work will be hell.

And yeah, I do love him, and I will of course continue doing the stupid things I did.