Sunday, August 29, 2010

""Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you."

-Exodus 20:12-

---------------


National day rally usually spells lots of walking and lugging of plastic bags down the long back to hall, and today is of no exception. Nonetheless, I still find it really amusing. The guards holding guns are equipped with straw hats! Yes, straw hats! It's an extremely tickling sight! It still feels uncomfortable though to have guards patrolling hall.

Daddy was waiting at the bus stop as Mummy, yes dear forgetful mummy, has left her mp3 player over at ShangHai! Well, you guessed it. I had to pass mine over to her. As I was walking back, daddy smsed if I wanted prata for dinner, but I was just so full!! I cheekily smsed back that I wouldn't mind ice milo though. Who would have thought that my daddy would really travel all the way to a coffee shop just to buy me a packet of milo!! I was so shocked!!!

<3

I love my family!!!
I love my daddy!
I love my mummy!
I love my brother!
I love my grandma!
I love my cousins!
I love my uncles!
I love my aunties!!

I feel so blessed to part of this loving family!!
I am so fortunate!!

Father, I know I have said this before, but nonetheless, I still THANK YOU for blessing me with wonderful friends, an amazing family and a warm heart. ^.^ Amen.

---------------


Yesterday
was
an
amazing
day.

Sweet.
Saccharine.
Amazingly honey-fied.
Definitely cherished.

---------------

""Listen, my son, to your father's instruction
and do not forsake your mother's teaching.
They will be a garland to grace your head
and a chain to adorn your neck."


-Proverbs 1:8-9-

--------------------oOo--------------------

Friday, August 27, 2010

"Hope is the only universal liar who never loses his reputation for veracity."

-Robert G. Ingersoll-

--------------


Lunch was excellent yesterday!

Happy food. Great company. Excellent entertainment.
It was pure enjoyment.
Soda-liciously sweet!
Like a cake, delicious and moist!

Yeah, it really was. =)

---------------


Life is made up of dreams.

Friends we encounter, acquaintances we make, journeys we embark on, they are but different dreams in our life. As the scenes flashed across my eye, I could not help but feel that nostalgia, that sadness, but yet surprisingly sweet feeling.

YEP.
It was like a dream.
We sweat.
We cried.
We complained.
We laughed.
Yet,
at the end of the day,
everyone returned to reality,
as it was after all,
a dream.

Hall.
We too, cried.
We too, sweat.
We too, complained.
We too, laughed.
We had hell.
We had stress.
We had enjoyment.
We had bliss.
Yet,
at the end of the day,
everyone returned to reality.
Moving out,
Moving on,
Moving into new horizons.

Float.
Days without sleep.
Working round the clock.
Monotonous.
But we laughed.
There were smiles.
Anger.
Grief.
Sorrow.
Achievement.
Satisfaction.
Friendships.
Yet,
at the end of the day,
everyone returned to reality.
Lessons.
Projects.
CAP.

It feels like slipping into one dream after another.
Surreal.
Definitely, surreal.

-------------


"It is never be about me, I, or myself.
It should never be about me, I, or myself.
It should be, you, him, her, they, them.
NEVER me, I, or myself.

Girl, since you've always been the one there,
encouraging others,
motivating others,
smiling for others,
talking to others
don't expect the same.

Girl, wake up!
There will not be a person who will do all those to you
NOT!! NOT NOT NOT
Get it? WAKE UP
STop living in your own little dreamland,
STOP HOPING
STOP DREAMING
STOP CHERISHING your litle childish hope,
that someone
will always
be there
to enourage you
to pacify you
to motivate you
to stimulate you

FAT HOPE
Girl, YOU are the one that does all those
YOU are the one that pacify others, not the other way round.
YOU are the one that motivate others, not the other way round.
YOU are the one that try to make others smile, not the other way round.

GET IT? NOT THE OTHER WAY ROUND!
STUPID GIRL
SILLY GIRL

NOw, stop crying, and face the truth.
STOP DREAMING!!
WAKE UP
WAKE UP!!

-slap slap-


I wrote these once before, and now I wonder.
Perhaps, it's okay to dream again.
=)

-------------

"When the world says, 'Give up,'
Hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.'"

--------------------oOo--------------------

Sunday, August 22, 2010

"Trust & the heart are very similar.
You can give it to someone, it can be given to you, & it can be broken.
The only difference is when your heart is broken, it's harder to fix."


-------------


I can't sleep.
Maybe it's the coffee and tea combination.
Or maybe, it's the huge swirl of mess swimming in my head.
Or maybe, I'm just too afraid to fall asleep.

Either way, this shall be my last sad post.
After this, I vow to write happy ones.
After this, I vow not to write about this incident ever again.

------------


They left hand in hand.

Together, they made their way to town. The journey started awkward. Both party not knowing what to do. There were so many things she wanted to say, but she knew not how to put them into words. How could she do it? Why did she do it? Was it a mistake? Questions went unanswered. Fears went unspoken. Tears gathered, but she knew she should not. Must not. It was to be their last outing. It should be happy.

"Is that the sports school?" he asked out of the blue, pointing at the impressive building across, breaking the ice between them. She smiled.

They talked. Each apologizing to the other, feeling sorry, feeling the guilt that yearned to consume them. They forced each other to promise; seeking reassurance for the other party's happiness. For him, the overwhelming grief became a blanket of comfort, masking all other emotions. For her, the guilt clawed its way to her heart, aiming to eat her alive. She never meant any of this.

The night flew by. They exchanged their gifts. She fervently hope that her gift would benefit him in some way. Although he feels that it's too late, to her, it's never too late. Better late then never, they used to say, and she knew - she simply knew - that he was capable. Yet, his cold reply seemed to pierce deep into her heart. Did she really cause this?

They had their last meal. The food didn't taste so good, and he said, "You taste what you feel." Perhaps so. Perhaps so. They joked, as if it was a normal dinner. They laughed, as if it's just another ordinary day. They talked, like they have never talked before. They shared, like they have never shared before. 'Why did it take 2 years?' she could not help thinking. Sadness once again attempted to creep in, but she brushed it aside. Today will be a happy night. It must. For a moment, she thought to reverse her decision, but she knew she wouldn't be able to love him the way she loved him again. To stay would deal him such injustice and unfairness. She held herself back and went back to wondering what would it be like, if he had woken up earlier.

Selfishly, she wished the dinner would last forever. She wished they could remain as friends. She wished she could have more heart. As with most wishes she made, wishes shall remain as wishes. The dinner ended before she knew it.

As they made their way to the station, she leaned on him like she used to, subconsciously.

"You're not making this easier, you know," he pointed out with a smile. She looked at him, and whispered sorry. Again, she asked. Why?

"You know, it's not a separation," he said again, with that same smile. She looked away and laugh. It was ironic to the point of amusing. Tonight was to be the night she consoled him, but fate being fate simply loves fooling people around.

Lastly, they were back at where they started. At the end of the day, they have come full circle. They stood at the bus stop, and looked at each other. They hugged. She cried. He laughed and commented at how wrong this situation looked. She laughed, but she could not bear to let go.

As with all good-byes, it's hard.
They made their promises.
They gave their last hug; their last kiss, and with a wave, they left one another.

She promised she would not cry the moment she got back home.
And so, she cried, there and then at the bus stop.
She cried for the act she has done.
She cried for the heart she has broken.
She cried for the feelings lost.
She cried for the memories left.

And when her eyes grew tired, she got up, wiped away her tears, and made her way back home with a smile.

She promised.

-------------


Thank you, for all that you have done.
Thank you, for the wonderful nights.
Thank you, for the amazing outings.
Thank you, for the meals.
Thank you, for the gifts.
Thank you, for the nights during concert.
Thank you, for the company.
Thank you, for the happiness.
Thank you, for the laughter.
Thank you, for the smiles.
Thank you, for the efforts.
Thank you, for the memories.
And Thank you, for the growth I have undergone.

You have made a positive difference in my life, there is no doubt about that.
I just hope, I did the same to you too.

I promised I won't cry. And I won't.
This will be the last sad post.

---------------


Without sadness, there won't be happiness.
Without darkness, there won't be light.
Without flaws, there won't be virtues.
Without evil, there won't be good.
Without tears, there won't be joy.

I won't say everything has a reason, but I would say one must experience both ends to fully appreciate either one. I do not regret doing anything, and I cherish every experience I go through.

I may be sad.
I may curse.
I may swear.
I may even blame.
But if I were to do everything again, I probably would have made the same choices. =)

------------


So now,
friends have left hall.
My confidante have left hall.
People in hall seem foreign having missed orientation.
Pharmacy seem stressful having missed one week of lectures.
Assignments overflowing.
Deadlines looming.
What's next?

-------------

"The heartache and tears you put me through,
It hurt so much.
But you were worth every tear and heartache."

--------------------oOo--------------------

After so long,
I have finally done what everyone has been asking me to do.

After so long,
I have done what I told myself each time it happened.

Why does it hurt so much?
Did I make the right decision?
Why does it stab whenever I think about it?
Why do I suddenly feel so.. alone?

I promised.
I won't cry.

Perhaps, hopefully, I won't cry over any other guy again.

I wonder.
If I would find happiness again.

--------------------oOo--------------------

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Did I do the right thing?
Did I?
I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean to hurt you so much.
I'm really sorry.

I don't know.. if I did the right thing though.

Why can't someone just kill me, and stop me from hurting anyone else!!!!!

--------------------oOo--------------------

Friday, August 20, 2010

March 21st was the day I gave up

"You never read. You claim you do, but I know you never. Ever. Read.
It's just reading a stupid post. As compared to your comics, how much time will it take?

I know now.
I hurt so much because I really really REALLY wanted this relationship to work out.
But, to see a lack of effort from you? It hurts, because I always thought a relationship is build by 2. Not one. Apparently not so for this case.
The fact that you never read this? Simply shows how unimportant our relationship is in your eyes as compared to everything else.

Sure. You keep me company just by being in the room.
Sure. You tutor me in a module I know nuts about.
Sure. You give me kisses and hugs ONLY WHEN I ASK YOU TO.

But the most important thing. The very most important thing. You can't give it me.
You can't give me support. Neither physically nor emotionally.
In fact, I dare say I've fallen more times after I entered into a relationship with you. Because before, I did not have to worry about a BOY.

You know, I feel stupid. Like darn stupid.
I should have known since december, 2008 - when you let me wonder around school at 3 am in the morning, without so much as to even attempt to look for me. I should have known, you know? But I simply thought, it can be changed. I believed. I hoped.

Seeing couples around me, I feel super jealous. Why can't I have those as well? I'm a girl too. Why must I be treated differently? Why am I not pampered, coaxed, or pacified? Why is it that when I'm whiny, I have no one to whine to? Why is it that when I need assurance, it doesn't come from the person I want it most?

You say, I can't always get what I want. True. But neither do I have to settle for less, right? And I won't. True, you claim you're trying to teach me things in life. But all I can say is, I'm sorry, I do not accept. Sure, I learn, I do agree one do not get everything in life, but that doesn't mean one has to be all negative about everything. What you're teaching me on the other hand, is that one shouldn't expect. One shouldn't hope. Which is as good as abandoning all drive in me.

I do not see how not pampering me, not coaxing me or not pacifying me, have to do with me not getting everything I want in life. It simply tells me that I've made a very very bad choice.

Everytime I'm upset, it's always about the same óle thing. And when I tell you about it, you simply laugh it off. It's not important.

I'm way too tired. Everytime I'm upset, it hurts more than the last.
I loved you, you know?
I really did.
But now, whenever people ask about you, I can't help but say, he is like that what, or no la. as if he will do it.
You can't blame me for that. You made me think this way.
What's there to expect from you? NOTHING.

And you can't blame me for being grouchy all the time.
You caused all this. Even before anything happens, I know. I simply know that you won't do it. It's a sad thought, but I can't help it. It's a routine disappointment.

I loved you.
I really did.

I'm sorry, but I can't love you the way I did before anymore."


Did you even do anything then?
Yes, you did.
For awhile.
Will whatever you do now,
last
for
a while?

--------------------oOo--------------------

"Why?!
Why does it happen again, and again, and AGAIN!

Is it so difficult? To just take your phone, and send me some random sms?!
Is it so difficult to just say, Darling, Jiayou.
Is it so difficult to just text, Darling, don't fall asleep hor..
Is it so difficult?!!

Why is it that you have time, you have the conscience of thinking about YOUR STUPID MOUSEHUNT, but not have the time, not have the mind to actually think of me?

Is love really one sided?
Why?!

Why is it such a huge demand?! IT's just a FREAKING sms!!! Then again, why do I treasure your sms-es like gold.. WHY?!?!

I'm a stupid girl. Like a STUPID STUPID STUPID girl..
Acting stupid.
Being stupid.
Feeling darn stupid right now.

Feeling foolish, for doing so much.
Feeling foolish, for always giving so much.
Feeling foolish, for ever thinking that you will learn how to love someone.

Do you know there is a different between loving someone from your heart, and loving someone through your actions?

A parent claims he loves his child, but yet doesn't feed his child, doesn't bring his child to a doctor.. Is that love?! Why subject your child to such misery if you love your child? But yet... he still says.. I love him. I do. I really did.

Love is not merely a feeling. I know that from the beginning, but do you? I thought you were mature enough to know that. It takes 2 hands to clap. I try. Like so so much. Despite feeling angry, disappointed, sad, I still reached out and text you like a stupid idiot. Seriously, am I just being stupid?

The moment you said that girlfriends are the first thing guys dump in times of stress, I knew you did not love me as much as I love you. The very fact that you could say it out loud shows me very clearly that you subscribe to it. It just made me even more insecure. Isn't it clear? Isn't it obvious? You just announced that I was dispensable. That, no matter what, I'm your LAST priority. Like, Last. Right at the bottom. Anything that goes wrong - Boom. I'm the first to go.

Do you know how hurting that is? Do you know how it stabs? It hurts you know. Why do you always do this to me? Why do you always leave me hurting so badly? Hurting so badly that I fervently wishes for an angel to just kiss me on the forehead, and bring me away from here.

I scream to God, but no one replies.. You mock my sadness. It doesn't bother you. Whatever I post in my blog, it's a huge joke to you. When I'm lost, you laugh, claiming that I'm lost all the time. Can't you help me find my way?! Can't you, damn it!!!!

Have you any idea how it feels to be lost. Helpless. Not knowing what's to happen. Feeling insecure. Disappointed. Saddened. Mixed with anguish, hurting so much that you just want real pain.

I cannot understand how you think. Why is it that when I cry, you just have to ignore me if I do not tell you why? Are you so selfish that I have to satisfy your desire to know so much that you don't care that I'm already hurting so. Do you always prioritize yourself so much that it doesn't bother you that I'm already crying; that I already am super sad? Doesn't it hurt, to see me crying?

Why do I hurt so much to see you angry; to see you sad; to see you tired; to see you disappointed? Why?! Why are my feelings so linked with yours, but yours simply not linked to mine?

I want this hurt to stop. It renders me so weak.. It saps all motivation away.
Why can't it stop?
Why can't I learn?
DAmnit.
Why can't I learn?
Why..

I want someone to take it all away."


Do I really want that again? Do I?

--------------------oOo--------------------

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

"Heaven just played a joke on me."

--------------


Wheeeee!!! I'm back!! After such a long break, I'm finally back!! :)

The journey back was long and arduous with many wrong turns and hiccups
but nonetheless, after one full hour, the maze like estate was left
behind.

The journey started out bright and sunny, with the scorching sun
baking everyone who dared venture out without an umbrella. For a
moment, it seemed like a never-ending one, ending in a u-turn, but as
with every other journey, one simply had to keep moving forward, and
eventually the end would appear.

One hour of frustration, confusion and mockery was all it took.

The long bus journey back starts right now as the drums beat overhead
accompanied by the tears of heaven as though God knew what was going on.

The past one month though, was the happiest happiest and I do mean
happiest of the happiest one month of my life. :)


Now, time to unpack, and then rush to pack up for hall. Wow.

Sadness.

-----------------

"It's easy to walk in and out of my life.."

--------------------oOo--------------------

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

There's a person drunk lying above me!! Zzzzzzzz... During this entre IPSF, I dare say I have drunk much much more than I would have done in hall.

--------------------oOo--------------------

Friday, August 06, 2010

Yayness!! I'm gonna attempt river rafting!!

It's so sian to be dePressed overseas.. Hais.

Drink. Party!! Forget.

--------------------oOo--------------------

Monday, August 02, 2010

Slovenia is a boring country.
Boring.

And I've decided, like REALLY DECIDED, to give up. Why wait for someone who is occupied most of the time? Nah. No. I won't wait anymore. I won't expect anymore. I have decided. Once I get back, it is going to end.

How would you feel, going online, having every other guy talking to you, but just not that one guy whom you wished would talk to you? No. I don't want this anymore.

--------------------oOo--------------------